I recently read an article about Trust on http://www.psychologytoday.com. It has greatly inspired me and made me think of implications of trust in D/s context as well, even though this article deals with trust at the workplace.
In my opinion a lot of the thoughts presented by the author Nan S. Russell can be related to trust in the context of an intimate relationship too. We so often talk about trust and how important it is to make D/s relationships work. I hope that this article may feed some contents and deeper level thoughts to the
term "trust" that we so often toss in at discussions among people interested in BDSM.
I'd be glad if a discussion about the ideas presented could develop in the comments area of this blog.
Mirjam.
PSYCHOLOGY TODAY
7 Misunderstood Truths About Workplace Trust
- Authentic Trust at Work
Published on December 31, 2011 by Nan S. Russell in Trust: The New Workplace Currency
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Trust is the most misunderstood word at work, resulting in perceptions of broken promises and trampled expectations. People mean different things when they use the word. But the new workplace currency of trust is centered on authentic trust. Authentic trust comes from authentic people.
Only when there is a commitment to the relationship is authentic trust built. When mutual commitments are delivered without concern for personal advantage or attempted manipulation or control, trust grows.
Consider these misunderstood truths about authentic trust - the kind of trust that builds workplaces and ignites engagement:
1. Trust is not always a good thing.
There are many types of trust. Non-authentic, basic trust can be unrealistic, naïve, foolish, or blind. Yet, many people still operate at work with this simple kind of trust most of us started with as babies. Childlike trust is not authentic trust. It's not the kind of trust that builds work relationships. Trust is not inherently good or not good. It's how and when it's applied.
2. Mistrust is not the opposite of trust. Control is.
Notice where there is a lack of authentic trust and you'll see controlling people. Giving trust is a choice to be made but once it's given, accountability tied with freedom is at its core.
3. There is always risk when giving trust.
Authentic trust is an action developed through critical thought and experience. It doesn't deny the past or ignore the possibility of future trust broken, either intentional or unintentional. Those operating with authentic trust weigh the risks and benefits before giving it.
4. Trust is a process.
Authentic trust is not a screensaver waiting in the background until it's needed. It's not the glue that holds things together. Authentic trust is a learned emotional skill. It involves an ongoing process of relationship building, where the relationship is more important than any one particular outcome.
5. Trust is about people not things.
Trust involves interpersonal engagement. We may use the word, associating trust with things as well as people, but one can't really "trust" their car. We confuse trust with "dependable" or "reliable." Authentic trust requires commitments made and commitments honored. It necessitates decision, action, and response.
6. Trust is conditional.
There are limits and conditions with authentic trust. When we say we trust someone, there is a presumed statement of conditionality. I may trust my mechanic to work on my car, but I don't trust him to do my root canal.
7. To get trust you must give it.
If you want to be trusted you must first give trust. You may be loveable, but that won't get you love - loving will. Sharing, not hoarding information gets you communication, and respect comes by respecting others. As a relationship process, authentic trust is no different. Contrary to popular belief, trust is not earned. You start trust by giving trust.
Authentic trust, like love, is cultivated, grown, and nurtured. We make authentic trust. We make it by what we do and how we do it. We make it by what we say and how we say it. We make it by showing up and being authentic. We make it by giving it away.
The article is adapted from my book, Hitting Your Stride: Your Work, Your Work.
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Source:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/trust-the-new-workplace-currency/201112/7-misunderstood-truths-about-workplace-trust
3 comments:
Mir, this is a great and thoughtful article. Thanks for posting it.
"You start trust by giving trust." That's fascinating and I think correct. Just as one starts respect by giving it. I would disagree with the idea that trust is not earned, but I don't think those ideas are mutually exclusive. I would say that one starts trust by giving it, and maintains trust by "showing up and being authentic," in other words by continuing to be trustworthy oneself.
I also really like "authentic trust is a learned emotional skill." I hadn't thought of it like that before, and I think that's correct.
And I am entranced by the idea that "Mistrust is not the opposite of trust. Control is." I think that is a really good and accurate point, and one I hadn't thought of before. In the context of workplace trust that is highly relevant . . . nothing says "I don't trust you" like micromanaging. In the context of D/s . . . wow, my brain is expanding. It would seem to me that the kind of control that generates the warm D/s fuzzies is a behavior done for a different reason; for mutual enjoyment and satisfaction rather than as an expression of mistrust. But is there overlap? This would be a great discussion topic.
Awww Meadow, love the term "warm D/s fuzzies" *smiles*. I have pondered the question of possible overlappings as well ... control done for mutual enjoyment and satisfaction - control done as opposite of trust ...
The thought has come to my head that maybe the warm D/s fuzzies kind of control puts control in a positive light that may help people who might have difficulties with authentic trust in other areas of life, such as their work ... either by their trust as learned emotional skill not being accepted well or by finding it difficult to trust due to the conditions or negative experiences with trust. Hmmm .... on the other hand we know that trust plays a big role in a D/s relationship and cannot work well and longterm without it, not just the trust on the side of the submissive, but also the trust on the side of the Dominant (for example, the Dom has to trust the sub could deal if he failed despite of best intentions else the thought of being a human with weak times too might freak a Dom out at times). Yet again, a non neglectible number of Dominants who enjoy and need to be in control a lot seem to have had bad experiences with (not) being trusted or with having trusted the "wrong persons" in their past. It might have fed their need to be in control. Damn this makes an interesting brainburner discussion topic uh?
I also posted this article on the ACES blog and someone posted an emotionally touching comment and a URL there. Sue also wrote down her thoughts on trust, coming from a different perspective, sharing some of the reality of her relationship:
http://www.theheronclan.blogspot.com/2012/02/trust-what-is-it-really.html
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