We’ve all seen it. A D/s couple are struggling or breaking up, there’s a question of abuse, people jump in to rescue the abusee and drive the abuser outta here. Looks righteous. But wait a minute, what’s really happening? Could this be hurting the very couple it’s meant to protect?
To talk about this phenomenon we need to look at a couple of things: the culture of fear, and the nature of proof. It has been said that “fear is the adrenaline of our time,” and in your authors’ experience this is becoming ever more true. Both RL and SL have developed a culture of fear, encouraged in RL by the media and in SL by the endless discussions of red flags, predators, abusers and sociopaths. Fear sells even better than sex. And nothing proves the need for fear better than finding a predator in our midst.
How do we prove our predators? In RL there is forensics. In SL there is. . . hearsay. In your authors’ experience, here in SL it is almost impossible to prove or disprove anything. People can and do easily escape responsibility for their actions. The dark flip side is that people can easily be held responsible for actions they did not do, and have little to no recourse.
In SL, the only fact that’s knowable about a breakup is the observation that the couple, at least in those avatars, is no longer together. It is compassionate and reasonable to assume that both parties to the breakup are suffering. But we have all seen it go further than that. Allegations of misconduct or abuse are made, either by the principles or by someone listening to their stories. Vague “proofs” may be presented. Listeners form conclusions based on indirect subjective evidence (tone of voice, consistence of story etc.) A set of unprovable allegations magically transforms into actionable facts in the minds of friends and strangers alike. A community of caring individuals sprouts pitchforks and torches and becomes a mob.
Why does this happen? There is a great deal of historical precedent in RL, and your authors would argue that the SL drivers are no different. The uncomfortable energy of fear can be discharged by locating and attacking an enemy “out there.” A mob supports its members to take emotion-based action without critical thought, and shields individuals from consequence. As witnessed by such TV programs as Jerry Springer, other people’s problems can be enjoyed as a blood sport. For Dom/mes, there can be the ego boost of dragon slaying, and the validation of being identified as on the Good Dom/me side of the fence. For subs, there may be reliving of a past victim role through another’s experience, projecting their own past feelings into the current situation. For both Dom/mes and subs, there can be the transference of past wrongs in their histories and the opportunity to get revenge by proxy.
The overt intention of the mob is to “help,” but is this helpful to our hurting community members? Much is made in D/s of the healing power of being seen. Many of us bring RL traumas and instabilities to our SL relationships, hidden behind the sparkle of our avatars. Pain is individual, its roots and depth unknowable in SL. Your authors hold that what most fracturing couples need is cooler heads, compassion, tolerance, eventual resolution, and in some cases solid pressure for RL help. The mob, however, is no longer about the individuals, nor about their reality. The mob needs the couple’s pain! It perpetuates and feeds upon suffering, perceived injustice, the need for intervention; the righteous glow achieved by condemning others, rescuing victims and slaying dragons.
Yes, there ARE predators and sociopaths out there, drawn to SL and other online venues by the lack of consequence and the limits of proof. There is abuse, people who successfully trap others in mind games or physical situations. Prudence and awareness are essential when engaging one’s RL self on any level in SL.
That said, your authors would argue that the vast majority of relationship breakups are just breakups, between people who like all of us are struggling with their own demons and having ordinary problems. Around their individual nidus of personal pain the community crystallizes its own agenda. Like sin and the Yom Kippur goat, the fears of the community are placed upon the heads of the couple, and a wilderness of polarization and projection opens around them at the moment when each of them likely most needs a sane and caring shelter.
We like to think we are rallying to support each other, to help our hurting friends heal, but who does this dynamic described really serve? What needs are actually being met? And the most disturbing question: in such situations could we in the community end up being the very thing we fear: Predators?!
your authors are Ryn Hax and Meadow Theas
2 comments:
Thank you Ryn Sir and Meadow for this wonderful post. Two questions become salient to me after having read this post. First, what are our roles as members of the same community? Are we to police each other's relationships, expect adherence to certain standards of practice? Second, do we have a right to stop people from journeying through their own experiences even if we suspect abuse?
I am not sure if there are easy or right answers to those questions and I think the answers would vary across individuals and relationships. However, I do know that in a culture where divorce is too prominent, walking out the door is usually the quickest option, sometimes even easier than working through an issue, a tough one where one might have to meet one's own demons and slay them for good. Real intimacy is always a work in progress, never pretty 100% of the time, but the joys of resolving an issue together often strengthen a connection between a couple, and build foundation. Don't "they" have a saying about roses and thorns somewhere? :P
Thank you both for this article Sir Ryn and Meadow...and i can only agree with your descriptions of some mechanisms. The process of breaking up is hurtful and the decision usually not easily made, and the participants DO have a reason for this all. It is wonderful to have friends who support you and are "simply there", but still it is the couples issue. And nothing can be more bad than "helpful" people who make wrong assumptions, taking sides and start to judge.And how often people screw the truth a bit to make it more suitable or they simply are not careful when talking about certain things to others (classical information loss when they are provided over 3rd persons), not thinking of the effect this might have on others and the results this might have especially in a delicate situation like a fresh break up. I think SL to some people is a bit like reading a boulevard newspaper or watching the news in RL : the drama is the highlight, and some people like/need the thrill of participating or simply watching it (well, the pc screen is quite similar to TV ;-). Even here we find the "fear" factor. Adrenaline has potential to make one addicted...
i personally would wish that people in the community would act in these situations like grown up adults and try to support without judging and becoming voyeuers of a drama which is not theirs. And to have some faith in the decisions of others...people who are seriously into D/s are usually intelligent people who think before they act (the ones who do not you can hardly save anyway).
As this phenomenon is not a community problem, but one you find as well in the "non BDSM" world, i would welcome it if the community would show more tolerance, ability of reflecting situations, being supportive without judging and simply able to accept that some things happen..maybe as a role model to the world outside of the community. But then, we all are simply human, and i have a certain feeling that the mob in the antique theatres in Rome, watching the poor victims and the lions, enjoying themselves and judging "thumbs up, thumbs down" are somehow genetically related to us all...well, at least this would be an excuse :-).
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