Self-Control
"If you can't control yourself--your vices, your emotions, and your tendency to act out--you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another.
All submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive's actions, however much you may dislike them, are not about you. They are, rather, about her problems with submitting.
Learning not to respond narcissistically--i.e.: with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness--when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control.
Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes."
written by Polly Peachum
I'd appreciate a discussion on the contents of this text and the topic of self control here in the blog. You are welcome to post Your comments. Thank You!
mirjam
6 comments:
Well what an interesting Subject Mir... have you been cooking this up for the three weeks you were away?
In a theoretical way, I could agree with this. But in reality, I can't.
putting to one side the silly idea of absolutes: perfect Dom, perfect Sub, even if there were people who were amazingly close to those types of perfection.. I am waaay down. I can show some restraint and knuckle down on occasion. But I am not a paragon of self control.
Yet that hasn't stopped me going out into the world and doing my best. Experimenting with subs and walking down our convoluted paths together.
Self control is really helpful and really useful, and ultimately is an intrinsic ingredient in the recipe for a successful relationship. But if it's not there, it's not a show stopper.
I like what Polly writes but I agree with Estos. There is no absolute. No one is ever perfectly in control, certainly not me. I quite like riding the chaos until I can mmake a move.
That slightly silly coment aside this business about self-cobtrol can be used as a put down; if you don't have it all the time, you are not a REAL Dom. It is a bit like if you don't do what I say, as I am a Dom, then you are not a REAL sub.
I agree it smells rather of idealism to me...plus...
..when have anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness been considered "narcissistic" responses? They sound more like "emotional" responses to me....oh my...you mean a Dominant is...like...human? O.O
Perhaps Polly isn't aware of what Narcissistic tendencies actually are...all nine of them.
Also, this is way too generalised for my taste - what works for one will not work for another and whilst one submissive's reasons for his/her actions may be due to "their own problems with submitting" they could be down to something completely external or non-relevant to their submission at all.
I just sat down to read a book on the German army, as one does, and then I had this thought. It is a bit of a rant so I'll try and be brief.
It is too idealistic but I wish I had a £ for every time I have heard it said as I'd be independently wealthy.
There are lots of subs and Doms trying to live up to these words and agonising over failing and being judged by others. There are too many ideals like this in D/s. we are just human. Relationships won't be prefect. I'm not an all knowing, all in control Dom. I am just me; quiet (honest), thoughtful (can be) and passionate (sometimes without the help of football). So if I like an ideal I'll reach for it but don't judge me harshly because I don't quite make it as that may be better than most. Condemn me if I am a wilful hypocrite who won't take responsibility for me actions.
Rant over:-)
First of all I have to say that I find it very cool when we get discussions going in this blog too.
Which was my intent with posting this text ... and guess what, I chose it because it would likely not just produce agreement and headnods (then one does not get a discussion, right?). So, what's my personal opinion: Yes, it is generalizing. Yes, self control definitely is something positive, sometimes it is even required in order to keep Yourself and/or the people You feel responsible for safe. I stumbled over the sentence "Learning not to respond narcissistically--i.e.: with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness--when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control." How can one learn to not respond with anger and hurt?" This sounds as if it can be learnt easily and postulated, to put a rational decision and calm mind such as "No, now I won't feel anger" in between the stimulus and the emotional reaction. Ahhh, so this text postulates "Bring Your negative emotions" under control. Sure, this helps when You want to conduct a relationship. But ...
a) getting emotions under control by reason happens after an emotion is felt ... so you might feel anger, for example, but due to your "self control" you manage to cope with it inside of yourself and not let it out as negative reaction towards another person (i.e. the sub, in this text this was maybe meant, but not worded well) .... and b) The spectrum of emotions - positive and negative - is human, it belongs to us to "feel", and someone who never shows emotional reactions and always appears calm, always reasonable, always highly controlled ... might appear "non caring" or "cold", or their partner might simply not know when they induced a bad emotion in their partner - which a sub would want mostly to avoid, as they want their dom to feel good. So, if a Dom showed anger at times, is that bad for the sub? I would say no, not necessarily, depending on the kind of reaction showed. But the sub can learn when he/she gets the chance to get to know if he/she did something that made their Dom angry, sad ... I personally do not want a Dom who "dominates" their inner emotional life by reason and does not show all the facets of emotionality, positive and negative. I want to see, feel, and hear that my Dom is human cause it rocks to submit to an adorable human who can deal with you, who manages to let you float, and who helps you to learn how to let him feel good (as this is a goal that I, as sub, have for my service towards my Dom).
MirJam, you do realise only bloggers can post?
Much as I like to be in the 'happening club' is there a way you can open comments to a wider audience?
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