(This was the discussion topic hosted by me on the 10th December and some of this is from the contributions from those present so it is not all down to me. Thanks you).
D/s is very intense style of relationship. By this I do not mean people who are into play but those who are committed to making it part of their daily lives. For me play is only the froth on the surface. Yes it is fun but D/s is so much more. The stronger the bond the greater the benefits but perhaps also the greater the fear involved. When I was less knowledgeable I often wondered how I would cope as a Dominant in a deep relationship. While I am far from perfect that is no longer such a great fear for me. It is still there but I do not obsess about it.
The following are the main areas where we can find fear in our relationships. Please feel free to add to them in any comments you make.
Rejection. This is a normal fear in any relationship and certainly in D/s the greater intensity of the connection makes it harder to endure. Possibly, this is true even for the person who does the rejecting as it takes a lot of courage to leave someone.
Deception. We tend think of Dominants doing this to submissives. That is far too simplistic and it can go in both directions. It is particularly easy in SL; one can dance with your partner while you have cyber sex with another. I am not sure how I could keep both conversations going but it can be done.We can claim to be 30 while actually being 70. Single when actually encumbered with a spouse and children. There is no intrinsic accountability online. All we have is the honesty and integrity we have. Unfortunately some do not share this to the same extent and we have to go warily in online relationships.
Deception can be as as simple(?) as people having affairs. We can all think of people who have done or are doing it. Or people form relationships and promise the earth and either at the crunch point back out or never had any intentions of following through. Then there are others who are players and pretend to be what they are not and create a powerful image around their submissive or Dominant. Then finally there are those who are trying to be what they are not and don’t realise that it is beyond them. It was suggested that much of this self-deception is actually accidental. The Dominant or submissive builds up a picture within themselves and it becomes their reality.
Responsibility. I am sure that some will say that if you fear this you are not ready for it. In many cases that could be true, but I would argue that if you don’t have fears about it then you are not ready to take control. Apprehension is normal and healthy providing it is controlling your actions. Being aware that the submissive has given themselves over to you and that your actions have consequences for them is a sign of maturity. Likewise the submissive has responsibility for themselves. One of the greatest dangers could be that this they just abdicate to their Dominant. If they do this how they really function? Also is it fair?
Surrender. This is the ultimate goal. But as you make each step does the next become easier or harder and if so what is that telling you. I would not suggest that if it is easier then it is definitely right. That actually could be more dangerous. We need apprehension to test it. Without it you could end up with huge problems that take a long time to extract yourself from.
Although it is the submissive who is surrendering but the Dominant is giving part of themselves up too. As you become more and more a couple and becoming ‘one’ then while you are gaining you are also losing some individuality as your relationships grows.
Finally the biggest thing you should be fearful of going too fast. In my first paragraph I write that D/s is extremely intense and each step should be slowly tested. Going forward in a frictionless environment will lead to a large bump at the end.
3 comments:
Great post, Zano, thanks for sharing your discussion. I agree that fear of responsibility can be a normal healthy response showing one is taking it seriously, and that responsibility in D/s, as in all adult relationships, is shared equally by all parties. I am also wondering whether "surrender" could be seen as having both a submissive and a Dominant aspect, as both parties consent deeply to a relationship and enter into it without holdback or reservation.
As I said I believe that I surrender in a relationship to some extent. Obviously not my control, but in any meaningful relationships that means I am investing myself in making it work. Furthermore when I invest my time in my submissive I am surrendering some of my needs into the nurturing of the her. Without this I would just be a silly selfish Dominant.
Thank you so much for posting this introduction for the class into the blog as well. I think that You identified the most common fears in the context of D/s relationships. The fear of responsibility made me think of a quote that says: Often the fear of our light is the greatest obstacle, and not the fear of our shadow.
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