Where I am Led - Part 23 - Needs and Wants (by Julala)

NOTE: Due to the SL clocks going forwards the time of this discussion will be 1PM SLT on Monday 11th March

Its one of those subjects that comes up a lot in D/s: Needs and Wants

It has been said by some in the past (and no doubt will be said again in the future) that a submissive's needs and wants should not be a consideration.  And often (sadly) I hear responses like "that sounds more like a slave".  Reality check (even in a virtual reality) - Every living being has needs and wants.  Everyone.  Dominant, submissive, slave, man, woman, beast. (Even ducks).

“what you need and what you want aren't the same things,” 

― Cherise Sinclair, The Dom's Dungeon

So how do we define for ourselves what is a need and what is a want?  One definition might be:

Taken from "Wants and Needs by LunaKM"

When you know your needs and wants - how and when do you communicate them?  Whilst it may be easy for a Dominant to define His/Her needs/wants and deliver them to a submissive in rules, expectations and tasks - a submissive may feel uncomfortable about identifying and communicating needs and wants.  How can a Dominant understand the needs and wants of a submissive when they aren't communicated effectively?    

I have heard of Dominants being presented with a neat shopping list of requirements when getting to know a potential submissive.  Similarly I have heard of submissives being told they are not a "true" submissive because they try to convey their needs and wants.   When does "expressing needs and wants" become [or become confused with] bratty or "Topping" behaviour from a submissive?  Of course it will be different for every relationship and every individual involved, so is it the responsibility of a Dominant to not only encourage their submissive to define their needs and wants but then to help them understand how to express them in an appropriate manner to their expectations?

There are submissives that are "high maintenance" and needy, whilst others maintain a level of independence and self-sufficiency that some Dominants might feel threatened by.  And what of the needy Dominant?  Can there be such a thing?  Where is the line to someone becoming too needy? Again it has to be a different line for everyone....the need of one may indeed be that they are needed. Another may need to feel wanted and loved above their being needed.

Once we have an idea of our basic needs.....what if our relationship isn't meeting them?  Can it survive?  Is it possible to compromise our needs? How often do we sit and really reflect upon what we have defined as "absolute must haves" only to find that we didn't really need them at all?  I know I have.  

“But if one had everything one could ever need or want, what was left to dream of?” 

― Mary Balogh, Then Comes Seduction

Your needs and wants will change.  That is inevitable.  

I leave you with the wise words of Sir Mick Jagger...........

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (11th March) at 1pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.