Happy Easter (from Julala)

May all your bunnies be latex clad ;o)

.....and a small reminder that I will not be hosting the normal Monday "Where I am Led" session tomorrow or next week.  Have a lovely Easter.

Where I am Led - Part 25 - Inspiration (by Julala)

We recently discussed motivation...why we do the things we do....this week we will be considering what inspires us....and has inspired us.

We're all inspired by someone or something.....even if we don't recognise who or what they are....when I started to write about inspiration I had to sit and think for a while....what HAVE been the inspirations in my life?  Some of the things I came up with seemed so...sillly...but hey....they obviously left a lasting impression on me so who am I to judge on their silliness?  Sometimes the smallest gestures can leave the largest impressions.  A simple sentence....a song...an artist.....an event....a story.....a philosopher...a fool....all of these certainly feature in my list of inspirations along the way in general life.

Each of us find our way to D/s in different ways...sometimes a person introduces us....for some something they read or have seen....or someone they have watched with interest....a story once read....a fantasy imagined.....a picture or photo......a feeling inside even?  It would not be surprising at all for me to discover that inspiration from things (seemingly) far removed from D/s and BDSM actually laid a path to finding it.

Of course some of these early inspirations can lead to an unrealistic view of what we seek......

When we arrived in the arena of D/s there were likely people around us that may indeed have had a positive or negative influence on the journey....inspiration can be negative as well as positive....negative emotions such as jealousy, anger, and fear can be inspired just as easily as confidence, strength, kindness and forgiveness.  Bad experiences can be just as powerful in inspiring someone to do something as much as positive experiences....sometimes moreso.

Some seek mentors to help guide their journey....and often these mentors become an inspiration in many ways.....Some of us attend regular discussions as part of a D/s community and find inspiration in the experiences and thoughts of others.  Sometimes even observing someone behaving badly or in a manner that we find unacceptable can be enough to inspire us to be a better person ourselves.....

Inspiration can also come in a form not so tangible as a person or picture or a story....can hope...faith....love....passion....creativity.....be our inspiration?

What have been your inspirations along the way?

Here are some of mine....enjoy ;o)

 

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.....however....personally, I did indeed...find it rather inspiring...in fact it inspired this entire series of talks.

Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (25th March) at 1pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.

STATEMENT OF CONSENT (repost from the NCSF website)

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom's Statement on Consent 
(as released in February 2013)

taken from: https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/CC_Docs_New_011513/ConsentStatement.pdf

"This Statement is being issued through NCSF’s “Consent Counts” project which seeks to decriminalize consensual BDSM which does not result in the infliction of serious bodily injury.This Statement is presented as a discussion of the ethical and legal concepts of consent that need to be considered in the practice of BDSM activities and in relationships based on BDSM activities. It reflects both the recent extensive study by NCSF of the state of the law in the U.S. and the results of NCSF’s Consent Counts Survey which received over 5,500 responses.

This Statement is intendedfor two audiences: BDSM practitioners and the general public.

For the general public the objective is to in crease the understanding of BDSM and the importance of informed consent in BDSM practices and relationships. For BDSM practitioners, who agree that consent is ethically and legally important this Statement will clarify some of the legal issues and create a better understanding of the ethical responsibilities.

Consent is...

an informed, voluntary agreement by two or more people to engage in a particular BDSM activity or to enter into a BDSM, D/s or M/s relationship. Consent is an essential element in BDSM, both as an ethical concept and as a legal concept, and it is important to distinguish between the ethical principles and the legal rules governing consent. [...]"

READ THE FULL STATEMENT ON CONSENT (7 pages worth the reading!) HERE:

https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/CC_Docs_New_011513/ConsentStatement.pdf

Where I am Led - Part 24 - Sacrifice (by Julala)

NOTE: Due to the SL clocks going forwards the time of this discussion will be 1PM SLT on Monday 18th March.

(To avoid any confusion and visions of Dominants throwing Their slaves onto a pyre....I thought I would start with a simple definition) 

Sacrifice: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

Sacrifice comes in different sizes...the smallest to the largest....but all can still be considered a sacrifice.  Some sacrifices are a joy to make....others are harder to make.....and some can be destructive.

Any relationship has its sacrifices...on all sides...but how does sacrifice fit into your D/s dynamic relationship?  What sacrifices have you made for your relationship? and what parts of your relationship have had to be sacrificed to accommodate other aspects of your life?

Do you even recognise the sacrifice when it is yours to make....or when it is theirs?  Do you acknowledge the sacrifice that someone has made for you?  Does a Dominant need to acknowledge the sacrifices made by Their submissive? or is it just expected that they be made...and deserve no gratitude?

How much are you prepared to sacrifice for the one You own.....for the One you serve....for the one you love?

A submissive might take great pleasure in the sacrifices she/he makes for their Dominant....does a Dominant have responsibility to ensure that their submissive does not sacrifice too much?  Is there a risk of sacrifice being the addiction of the martyr?  

At what point does sacrifice in a relationship become negative?  When the balance is out?  When the sacrifices are too large?  When the sacrifice is for too long?  When the sacrifice is the core of who you are?

Sometimes the sacrifice is the relationship itself....for the good of the individuals....

“I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.” 

― Lauren Oliver, Delirium

For some, having a D/s relationship in their "Real Lives" is not an option.....perhaps something they sacrificed for more important aspects in their lives....like their existing family.

For some, the sacrifice is remaining in a relationship they no longer wish to be in....

Who is to say when a sacrifice is a worthy one?  ....or a wasted one?

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (18th March) at 1pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.

And just to be clear.....this is NOT the type of sacrifice we're talking about ;o)

Where I am Led - Part 23 - Needs and Wants (by Julala)

NOTE: Due to the SL clocks going forwards the time of this discussion will be 1PM SLT on Monday 11th March

Its one of those subjects that comes up a lot in D/s: Needs and Wants

It has been said by some in the past (and no doubt will be said again in the future) that a submissive's needs and wants should not be a consideration.  And often (sadly) I hear responses like "that sounds more like a slave".  Reality check (even in a virtual reality) - Every living being has needs and wants.  Everyone.  Dominant, submissive, slave, man, woman, beast. (Even ducks).

“what you need and what you want aren't the same things,” 

― Cherise Sinclair, The Dom's Dungeon

So how do we define for ourselves what is a need and what is a want?  One definition might be:

Taken from "Wants and Needs by LunaKM"

When you know your needs and wants - how and when do you communicate them?  Whilst it may be easy for a Dominant to define His/Her needs/wants and deliver them to a submissive in rules, expectations and tasks - a submissive may feel uncomfortable about identifying and communicating needs and wants.  How can a Dominant understand the needs and wants of a submissive when they aren't communicated effectively?    

I have heard of Dominants being presented with a neat shopping list of requirements when getting to know a potential submissive.  Similarly I have heard of submissives being told they are not a "true" submissive because they try to convey their needs and wants.   When does "expressing needs and wants" become [or become confused with] bratty or "Topping" behaviour from a submissive?  Of course it will be different for every relationship and every individual involved, so is it the responsibility of a Dominant to not only encourage their submissive to define their needs and wants but then to help them understand how to express them in an appropriate manner to their expectations?

There are submissives that are "high maintenance" and needy, whilst others maintain a level of independence and self-sufficiency that some Dominants might feel threatened by.  And what of the needy Dominant?  Can there be such a thing?  Where is the line to someone becoming too needy? Again it has to be a different line for everyone....the need of one may indeed be that they are needed. Another may need to feel wanted and loved above their being needed.

Once we have an idea of our basic needs.....what if our relationship isn't meeting them?  Can it survive?  Is it possible to compromise our needs? How often do we sit and really reflect upon what we have defined as "absolute must haves" only to find that we didn't really need them at all?  I know I have.  

“But if one had everything one could ever need or want, what was left to dream of?” 

― Mary Balogh, Then Comes Seduction

Your needs and wants will change.  That is inevitable.  

I leave you with the wise words of Sir Mick Jagger...........

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (11th March) at 1pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.

Where I am Led - Part 22 - Willingness and Motivation (by Julala)

Willingness and Motivation

Is it willingness that makes the submissive?  Willingness to comply, willingness to serve, to please.  Is it willingness that makes the Dominant?  Willingness to lead, to guide, to control.  Or could it be that willingness is what will define whether a D/s relationship will work between two individuals?

Are you willing to experiment, to push yourself?
Are you willing to sacrifice?
Are you willing to put another's needs before your own wants?
Are you willing to say no?
Are you willing to say yes, even when it scares you?
Are you willing to try?
Are you willing to try again?
Are you willing to forgive?
Are you willing to have trust?
Are you willing to submit?
Are you willing to take control?

Whether you answer yes or no to these questions.....there follows another question when we start to incorporate "motivation".....why?  Why are you willing (or unwilling)?  What motivates you to submit to another?  to be Dominant to another?  What drives you to do the things you do?

We are all motivated by different things: Some find punishment motivating....others will be entirely de-motivated by punishment.  Some find reward motivating.....and reward can take many forms.  Some are motivated when they succeed.....demotivated when they fail.  Some are motivated by drama...some repelled by it.

I have noticed that being submissive in itself helps to motivate me in many ways.  For example - when I was in a vanilla relationship and my partner would say "can you get me a drink?" I would think "why can't you get it yourself?" - since discovering D/s and being in a D/s relationship...it changed...my mindset changed....my motivation was now to please....like I'd never had before.  If Master asks for a drink I am delighted to receive an opportunity to please Him.  Does your own (or their) submissiveness motivate you? Does Your own (or their) Dominance motivate You?

How much responsibility do we take in providing motivation for another person?  Is it part of the role for a Dominant to recognise what motivates Their submissive and to drive them appropriately?  Or is it the responsibility of each individual in the relationship (whether they be Dominant or submissive) to manage/recognise their own motivation and recognise/feed the motivation of the other?  Is this the key to a lasting relationship of any kind?

Sexual sadism and masochism have been studied and hypothesised regarding motivation and "Causes" - after all it is a deviant behaviour...a "paraphilia".  But putting aside the DSM diagnoses that we're all just mentalists.....bringing it back to a non-academic and much more personal level: What motivates YOU to inflict or receive pain with a loving partner.....with a consenting stranger?

Do you know what motivates you?  Do you care?  Or are you just willing to accept that it just your kink?

Motivation comes up in its different aspects regularly in our discussions and none moreso than when we are talking about the way people behave towards us.  Especially when we are talking about intimate or close relationships between people.  When someone does or says something that hurts us, or is disloyal, or disobedient....we question their motivations.  Was it a mistake?  or intentional betrayal of trust?  Cowardice or fear of reprisal?  Attention seeking?  Understanding (or recognising) the motivation behind their actions can be the decider on how we react.


These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (4th March) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.

The 16 Commandments Of Poon (a repost from Chateau Heartiste)

reposted from http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/

I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first
Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity. The man who gives his emotional world away too easily robs women of the satisfaction of earning his love. Though you may be in love with her, don’t say it before she has said it. Show compassionate restraint for her need to struggle toward yin fulfillment. Inspire her to take the leap for you, and she’ll return the favor a thousandfold.

II. Make her jealous
Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually. No girl wants a man that no other woman wants. The partner who harnesses the gale storm of jealousy controls the direction of the relationship.

III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority
Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

IV. Don’t play by her rules
If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

V. Adhere to the golden ratio
Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

VI. Keep her guessing
True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate. She thrives when she has to imagine what you’re thinking about her, and withers when she knows exactly how you feel. A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.

VII. Always keep two in the kitty
Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.

VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary
Do not say you’re sorry for every wrong thing you do. It is a posture of submission that no man should reflexively adopt, no matter how alpha he is. Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day. And then your value will lower in her eyes. Instead, if you have done something wrong, you should acknowledge your guilt in a glancing way without resorting to the actual words “I’m sorry.” Pull the Bill Clinton maneuver and say “Mistakes were made” or tell her you “feel bad” about what you did. You are granted two freebie “I’m sorry”s for the life of your relationship; use them wisely.

IX. Connect with her emotions
Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

X. Ignore her beauty
The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire. This is one reason why the greatest lotharios drown in more love than they can handle — through positive experiences with so many beautiful women they lose their awe of beauty and, in turn, their powerlessness under its spell. It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”. Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t fucking. Turn off that part of your brain that wants to put them on pedestals. Further advanced training to reach this state of unawed Zen transcendence is to sleep with many MANY attractive women (try to avoid sleeping with a lot of ugly women if you don’t want to regress). Soon, a Jedi lover you will be.

XI.  Be irrationally self-confident
No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

XII.  Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses
In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little
Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known. You don’t have to be an asshole, but if you have no choice, being an inconsiderate asshole beats being a polite beta, every time.

XIV. Fuck her good
Fuck her like it’s your last fuck. And hers. Fuck her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning. Own her body, own her gratitude, own her love. If you don’t know how, learn to give her squirting orgasms.

XV. Maintain your state control
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI.  Never be afraid to lose her
You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.

reposted from http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/