An experience of abandonment (by Julala)

Next Monday will be two years to the day that Master found me.  When I reflect over O/our journey to here I smile a lot.  O/our connection grows stronger every day and I am a very lucky girl.  I am lucky, not only because I belong to Him....but because it could have been such a different story.  In fact, the story starts in a  more darkened time......

When Master found me I was in rather a state.  I had been abandoned by my previous Master just one week before and I was grieving.  Grieving may sound like a strange word to use to some of you but after the end of such a relationship....facing a loss that brings many responses consistent with bereavement and grief is often experienced.  This is same with any relationship - D/s or vanilla, romantic, friend or family.  Loss will bring grief.

Some of the things I experienced and will now describe may be familiar to some that may have experienced similar feelings and responses to being abandoned or released by their Dominant/Master/Mistress....but not everyone...because grief is very individual and unique to everyone.  Grief is chaotic.

My relationship with my past Master had been intense...in various ways.  He was my first Master...and had introduced me to D/s.  Upon reflection of the early part of my journey in D/s I can identify an intensity curve with regards to the level that I was immersed and consumed by "the lifestyle" or "being a slave".  This will be the topic of another posting but for now I will suffice to say that the early part of my journey of submission was incredibly intense at times - to the degree that I am sure many scholars would describe as psychologically unhealthy.  I remember times of feeling euphoria, terror, absolute consummation and overwhelming emotional and mental "grip".  This was like nothing I had experienced before and I was in deep.

Our relationship had started in Second Life.  When it started I thought I was entering into a fantasy, something that would be separate from my real life.  I was in a long term relationship in real life (although it was ending) and my past Master was married.  We had no intentions of taking this fantasy to real life.  But things changed.  Life changed.  His father died, my father died, we comforted each other through difficult times.  Retirement, redundancy and illness.  We fell in love.  And so, our fantasy in Second Life......moved to real life.  I never knew up until the day he arrived on my doorstep whether he would actually leave his wife and grown up family and come to be with his slave.  And the months leading up to his arrival were some of the most stressful and emotionally crushing times of my life.  Not knowing what would happen...and wanting SO SO much...was tearing me apart from inside.  There were times when I thought I would go mad.

18 months after we had met in Second Life he came to claim his slave in real life.  When he arrived it was amazing but terrifying.  I was gloriously happy...beyond words.  But there were moments in the first days when he freaked out about what he had done, the life he had left behind and he cried like a baby...I thought my dreams were about to come crashing down....but he stayed....another week....and another week ....and another....until I started to believe that he really would stay.  We were happy.  We were making plans.  I relaxed.

I knew that he wasn't really relaxed though.  As the weeks went by he was expecting less of me as his slave...he told me to sit next to him instead of kneeling at his feet.  He wouldn't let me serve him....he was serving me...he was making less decisions....becoming indecisive.....it was almost like his Dominance was subsiding but I put it down to adjustment...and tried to be as submissive as I could to help the situation.

Then one day....I sensed he was worrying about something.  He had gone quiet and wasn't communicating.  When I asked what was wrong...he didn't answer.  And then it came...BAM!  After 3 months... "I'm going back".  I was destroyed.  He was destroyed.  We cried for hours.  I cried so much I was sick.  He left.

I couldn't breathe...the air just didn't want to move in and out of my body.  I felt dead inside.  My emotions and feelings moved frequently...from sadness to anger...to numbness...to nothing....to confusion...to disgust at myself....disgust at him....sadness all over again...longing...desperate....broken...

And then came the "frenzy".  Slave frenzy or sub frenzy is a term sometimes thrown around is D/s and some will dismiss it as nothing - nonsense - others will deem it the result of co-dependent relationship.  I disagree on both counts.  My [limited] experience is that slave or sub frenzy is very real and quite specific to this type of relationship.

My experience of slave frenzy did include feeling unable to do simple tasks without direction BUT these were not tasks that my Master had directed.  My past Master had not managed my wardrobe - he did not tell me what to wear....and yet..suddenly...I didn't know what to wear...I didn't know how to dress.  I didn't know what to do in many aspects of my life that he actually had had no direct control over....I started to question EVERYTHING.  I questioned my own mind.  I questioned whether the sky was blue.

I regularly had thoughts of not being good enough.  I had done everything I could, done everything he had asked and demanded of me and it wasn't enough.....I wasn't enough. Of course..this wasn't true...I was consumed by self-pity and actually my abandonment had very little to do with me...or how good I was...it had everything to do with him and what he was experiencing....his guilt, his responsibilities, his choices.

Only days after he had gone I shifted from being broken into pieces to frantically needing to fix myself.  I had waited all that time for him...wasted all that time...I didn't want to be alone...suddenly my needs changed - I needed to be a slave...I needed to belong to a Master.  That's what I needed and I needed it NOW.

That is when my "frenzy" led me to do very irresponsible and quite frankly stupid and dangerous things.  I do not condone my actions that followed and only share them here as a deterrent to others who may be off down the same path.  I needed a Master and where would I find one?  Hmmmm...I know...The slave register!  I signed up...made myself a short, pitiful profile telling of my abandonment and that "slave has been trained well but is lost and alone after Master could not stay any more".  I cringe as I remember what I wrote in desperation.

Of course the messages flooded my way.  Loads of them.  Some "insinceres" were very easy to spot "Sorry you've been abandoned...how big are your tits?".  Others...knew just what to say....knew just what I needed to hear...and I was being careless....I created a new email address to correspond with one or two of these people and had somehow *facepalm* put my REAL NAME in the headers of the email.  Shit!  Google knows me!  I am not hard to find.  Knows me...knows my address..my telephone...my job...everything!  Fuck!  I was scared.  I was expecting some nutter to turn up at my door any day.  One or two of these "Masters" I had totally recognised as being predatory and potentially dangerous....and I had STILL been drawn to correspond with them.  I was a bloody idiot!

I ended up having to ask my past Master (still in his own crisis) to contact these people and tell them that I had been taken back and was no longer available.  Basically warn them off.  I felt like shit.  I felt useless...and stupid...and embarrassed by what I had done.

During all of this disaster however, there had been One....One that had extended merely the hand of kindness.  One that had offered to take me under His wing.  He could well have been a predator, a "white knight"...but.....He wasn't.  He checked in each day to ask how I was doing.  Offered some comfort.  Made me smile.  It felt like He was just keeping an eye on me...watching over me.  It felt nice.  It felt safe.  He took Ownership of me on The Slave Register just so that I might feel owned again....that I might feel some security.  And I did.  Only a few days later I said that I didn't feel I should have the account anymore as it had been a knee-jerk reaction...I didn't need it.  He suggested that I close the account.  And I did.

I had no idea at that stage who this man that had taken me under His wing would be in my life.  I had made such a silly mess of things in only one week of being abandoned.  I didn't trust my own judgement on anything right now.  Strangely though I do remember...during one of the first few conversations with Him...I remember having a very strange feeling at one point and thinking to myself..."oh...oh my....maybe this is why I was abandoned....maybe the path had already been set....and the path I was on wasn't the one meant for me....maybe....my past Master had played his part in leading me to the correct path ... which I was now on".

Maybe it was a fleeting thought that I had conjured to give myself comfort...to give meaning to the events of the past weeks...perhaps.  He had not been seeking a slave at all when He found me.  He just came across a wounded and silly girl who was putting herself in danger and felt He should do something before she got herself in trouble.  The weeks that followed He gave me tasks and He talked...and He listened...He asked me questions....some suggestions....He let me cry.  W/we grew closer.  It wasn't one way of course.....I may have been found that day....but so had He.  A few weeks after He found me He accepted my submission and several months later He collared me.

If you are going through, or recovering from an abandonment or release please do visit http://abandoned.eu - it might offer some comfort to you on your own journey.

Perfection and Excellence - Where I am Led - Part 27 (by Julala)

Ah...perfection and excellence....my old friends....

Perfection and excellence...is it something we expect from ourselves?  Is it something we expect from others?  Is it something that we expect too much?

*Reader warning....this could get all philosophical, slushy and boring righteous....please forgive me if it comes across as arrogant...my intentions are perfect imperfect perfect imperfect um....good*

I perhaps should focus on "The perfect slave", "The perfect Dom/me", "The perfect D/s relationship" here in this post....and no doubt...those topics will indeed be the stand of focus on Monday in the discussion.  But here, today....I would like to just challenge you to give some thought to what perfection and excellence mean to you and how these [friends or enemies] have played a part in your life...and your relationships in general.  This may then (hopefully) help to shed light on our search for the "perfect D/s".

Perfection and excellence are old friends of mine....I have known them for years...my dear old Dad was rather responsible for that...and I do thank him for it....for without his encouragement and drive I would not be who I am today....but there were time in my life when I did not welcome it so readily and as I now look back upon my twenties and thirties...now...I can recognise both the beauty and the flaws that seeking perfection and excellence can bring.

For much of my life I was a perfectionist...."if you can't do it well...don't do it at all" was probably high in my list of mantras as I grew up.  I strove to be perfect in everything I did and everything I was.  However, one of the best lessons I ever learned and a turning point in my entire outlook on life.....was when I opened my eyes and accepted...that seeking perfection was not necessary....that I had already found perfection....it was all around me..and in me...and that perfection itself was made up of all the mistakes and imperfections that I and those around me had made.

I forget this at times...and always will...no doubt.

This is Kevin.  He has Cerebral Palsy.  He is indeed perfect.  Photographing this man was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever known and had a profound effect on me and my perception of perfection.

As a rather clever man once said "Everyone is a genius...but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will spend its entire life thinking its stupid".  

Those of you that are members of the over-thinkers club will no doubt also be members of the perfectionist club too (or at least have been a member at times).  We strive, we seek, we believe that only the best will do.  Anything less than 100% just isn't good enough.  We believe it to be a worthy pilgrimage....to seek perfection.  And it is...because it is not to say that seeking perfection is wrong...no...it is just an infinite path that you are likely never to reach the end of perhaps? 

For some...seeking perfection will bring pain, frustration, sadness and regret.  For some it will be their drive, their purpose,  the glue that holds them together.

How many of you have ever uttered the words to yourselves "I wasn't good enough", "I am not good enough", I won't be good enough"?  Many, I am sure.  Certainly I remember times in my life when I certainly have.   And how many of us have not believed when we were told that we were..in fact...good enough...or perfect?  The two often go hand-in-hand I think....striving for perfection and not believing when we find it.

How many times have you not done something...turned away a relationship or thrown away an opportunity because you didn't believe it (or you) were perfect enough?  Last week we discussed experience and many agreed that our finest lessons had come from a mistakes and failings.....so why then would we deny our own learning by turning away experiences because of our fear and so vivid avoidance of failure?

And what of those that believe they are perfect?  Those that "know" that they are good enough....believe that they are the best in everything they do....is this self-confidence?  is it enlightenment? or is it arrogance? even Narcissism?  *laughs* So then, are we saying:

"Know that you are perfect...but know that you are not perfect"

Perhaps recognising the perfections and imperfections in ourselves and others....has to be combined with humility, compassion, acceptance and forgiveness (we already did those discussions if you were there and remember).  

Please bring your perfect selves, Your perfect slaves and submissives, your perfect Dom/mes on Monday 22nd April to discuss Perfection and Excellence at The Temple of Discussion on Respect at 12pm SLT.

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

We're kinky, not crazy (an article by Jillian Keenan)

We’re Kinky, Not Crazy

Including “paraphilic disorders” in the DSM V is redundant, unscientific, and stigmatizing.

By Jillian Keenan

The American Psychiatric Association has decided that people with kinky sexual interests (which—let’s just get this out of the way—includes me) don’t necessarily have mental disorders. That seems like good news, right? If we look up sexual masochism, fetishism, transvestism, or sadism in the forthcoming fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they won’t be there! In their place, we’ll find a new list of “paraphilic disorders”: sexual masochism disorder, fetishistic disorder, transvestic disorder, and so on. The difference? To be diagnosed with one of these noncriminal sexual disorders, the person must “feel personal distress about their interest.”

Simply put, the DSM V will say that happy kinksters don’t have a mental disorder. But unhappy kinksters do.

Some sexual minorities have applauded this diagnostic compromise as a step forward. It isn’t. This is just the same routine that the psychiatric community dragged homosexuality through decades ago, and adult, consensual (in other words, noncriminal) expressions of atypical sexuality should be removed from the DSM entirely for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was.

....read more at the original article

Where I am Led - Part 26 - Experience (by Julala)

After a two-week break we are resuming the "Where I am Led" discussions tomorrow at 12pm SLT.  I know...contain your excitement please ;o)

While I was writing a response to another post on this blog I wrote something that sets a good scene for this discussion on "experience".

I wrote:

"......perhaps this is why I am often quite surprised when I hear that people in the community around me are experiencing things far from my own experiences....."

Now...out of context that seems rather a naive statement but actually...genuinely I am constantly reminded that my own experience of D/s and BDSM is entirely different to many of those in the community around me...and sometimes I am genuinely surprised when I hear a perspective vastly different than my own on something I thought I had my head round....not in a bad way...in a way that makes me go "oh...wow...I never thought of it like that".  

Our experiences are the things that help us to form our views and outlook on most things in life, and not less so in D/s.  And when our experiences will differ widely from those around us...no wonder that our community is....shall we say....varied....colourful...and often at odds.

A good experience will leave us feeling positive.  A bad experience will often leave us feeling negative.  But in time...even our bad experiences can form a positive role in forming our future.  Looking back over some of your worst experiences...what have they taught you?  Would you have learned this without them?  Of course we would have been glad not to have had to go through those bad experiences...but then...that wasn't our choice was it?  We can only influence our future...not our past.

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”

― Rita Mae Brown, Alma Mater 

When one is considered to "have experience"....we often attribute this as a positive thing, a badge of honour and proof of worth.  We often hear boasts of "I've been in the lifestyle for 20 years...30 years..etc." but if the experience was not a positive one.....can that be a positive thing to boast of?  Perhaps it can be if the person recognises that it was a bad experience and can use it to help others avoid such ways...the danger of course is when the person presents their experience as the only way to do things...that is when we become unstuck.

“I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience.”

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

How do you view your own experiences?  and how do you view the experiences of others?  Are your own experiences worth more to you in the balance of things than the experiences of others?  Probably undoubtedly yes....and how do you judge the experiences of another?  Do you base your judgement on the experiences alone or more likely do you base it on them as a person?  on how they behave generally, on where they are from...their age? their background?  their manner, or language? their position, their friends? do these factors help you to cast a value on their experience?  Why?

Whilst we can listen and learn from the experiences of others....ultimately our own experience can only come from jumping in and doing it for ourselves.  Nobody ever experienced much from sitting on the edge and watching.

“A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.....however....personally, I did indeed...find it rather inspiring...in fact it inspired this entire series of talks.

Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (15th April) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.

"Slavespace"? (a repost by slave yielding)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Anything goes as long both are consenting? (by Mirjam)

Consent ...
a word so often mentioned in the BDSM scene(s), and indeed a very very important topic to wrap one's mind around. It is very necessary to do so if You look at things happening in the online and first life BDSM scene. Consent is not only and ethical, but also a legal principle. Disrespecting, or not caring for the matter of mutual consent could indeed bring people with one foot into jail. Not all people who endulge in BDSM activities might be aware of it. Especially in the online environment fantasies rock, mind and emotion begins to float easily and quickly, and reason and cautious and detailed processing of important issues might be thrown over board or vanish in unawareness.
Recently I - again - heard somebody say something like "Some people want to be abused, so abuse is not necessarily a bad thing. Abuse can be okay, as long as both consent to it."
What happens in my mind on reading such is ..

???

Does anything go, as long as both, Dominant and submissive, are consenting?

Is consent always easy?
Is any consenting statement given always "true consent"?

What about submissive in subspace state?
What about psychological issues?
What about the need to please a Dominant, or even codepedency?
What about fear to disappoint the Dominant, or the fear to be released?
...

And many more questions could be asked.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has worked on a project called "Consent Counts" since a couple of years. Not only for ethical reasons, but also with  respect to legal implications and problems for BDSM folks it is very important for the members of the BDSM scene(s) in first life, and of course, also in the virtual reality, to really think the issue of consent through.

To inspire further thinking, i would like to present another excerpt of the NCSF's "Statement on Consent" to You, as released in February 2013 as one of the major outcomes of the "Consent Counts" project.
Quotes are taken from taken from: https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/CC_Docs_New_011513/ConsentStatement.pdf

"This Statement is being issued through NCSF’s “Consent Counts” project which seeks to decriminalize consensual BDSM which does not result in the infliction of serious bodily injury.This Statement is presented as a discussion of the ethical and legal concepts of consent that need to be considered in the practice of BDSM activities and in relationships based on BDSM activities. It reflects both the recent extensive study by NCSF of the state of the law in the U.S. and the results of NCSF’s Consent Counts Survey which received over 5,500 responses.

[...]

The concept of risk

Consent is agreement in advance to something that hasn’t happened yet. 
As a consequence, it is impossible to eliminate entirely the risk that the activity or relationship may turn out differently than everyone involved anticipated when consent was given. 
In this regard, BDSM is like many other activities —team sports, sky diving, rock climbing, etc. BDSM may also include sexual activity which can involve emotional,psychological and health risks, as is the case with any sexual activity.

Among the risks of BDSM activities there are: innocent mistakes, incidents of incapacity, bad intentions and repercussions from the current state of the law in regards to BDSM activity. 

Those risks may include:

The participants may not understand each other’s agreement. Or they may misunderstand the nature of the BDSM activities or scene. Or they may misunderstand the other person’s limits.

Even if the participants understand and agree on the nature of the BDSM activities or scene, they may not understand the extent to which those acts could result in physical injury.

Accidents can happen, causing unanticipated injury even in the most carefully conducted scene with the most skilled practitioners.

The physical or emotional intensity of a scene can result in the participants getting carried away, or being unable to revoke or modify consent.

Someone who claims to respect safewords and established limits may be lying in order to take  dvantage of someone else.

Someone who is in a scene to which they gave prior consent may deny that consent was given after the scene.

Even if consent was given, a court may refuse to accept it as a defense, either on the basis that serious injury was caused or because the judge or jury find the activity morally offensive.

In a D/s or M/s relationship, a court might conclude that the sub missive was “groomed” or brainwashed over an extended period of time to remove their ability to withdraw consent.

The fact that these risks exist, and that it may not be possible to entirely avoid them, does not alter either the ethical or legal responsibility to ensure to the maximum extent possible, that BDSM activities and relationships are consensual."

[...]

READ THE FULL STATEMENT ON CONSENT (7 pages worth the reading!) HERE:

https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/CC_Docs_New_011513/ConsentStatement.pdf

Moral courage (by Mirjam)

I read a good definition and valuable thoughts on "moral courage" that I would like to share with You.

"Moral courage means doing the right thing even at the risk of inconvenience, ridicule, punishment, loss of job or security or social status, etc.  Moral courage requires that we rise above the apathy, complacency, hatred, cynicism, and fear-mongering in our political systems, socioeconomic divisions, and cultural/religious differences.  For parents, it frequently requires us to put aside compelling but momentary pleasures or comforts in order to set a good example for our children and  be the parents we aspire to be.  Doing the right thing means listening to our conscience, that quiet voice within.  Ignoring that voice can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt and diminished personal integrity.  Moral courage requires us to make judgments about what actions or behaviors are supportive of our highest ideals, and which ones are destructive.  It asks us to recognize our responsibilities and see the consequences of our own actions."
(source. http://www.lionswhiskers.com/2011/02/what-is-moral-courage.html)


My question to You, as a topic for discussion, is: Do you see implications of this for what You are doing or would like to be doing in the context of the "BDSM environment" in SL, and if so, which are they?
(And yes, i am not using the word "BDSM community", on purpose.)

Are Submissives Disenfranchised? (by Meadow)

From the Oxford online dictionary:

disenfranchise

verb

[with object]

• deprive (someone) of the right to vote:the law disenfranchised some 3,000 voters on the basis of a residence qualification
• (as adjective disenfranchised) deprived of power; marginalized:a hard core of kids who are disenfranchised and don’t feel connected to the school
• deprive (someone) of a right or privilege:a measure that would disenfranchise people from access to legal advice
• archaic deprive (someone) of the rights and privileges of a free inhabitant of a borough, city, or country.

I have seen a number of behaviours among submissives that leads me to suspect we often see ourselves as disenfranchised.  These behaviours are typical of oppressed groups, and echo those of women before and during the feminist movement.  Some examples include Dom/me bashing and the proliferation of segregated “safe spaces” for submissives; more individual and subtle are the comments I have heard from submissives implying a dissatisfaction with the lack of perceived power to define the conditions of their relationships.  Eg:  “My Dom/me wants this, so I just have to learn to deal with it.”

(Note that I’m including both submissives and slaves here, I believe these thoughts apply equally to all s-types.)

With feminism those behaviours, regardless of their usefulness, were and are in response to real social disenfranchisement.  Women still face gender-based social and financial limitations in most countries, as well as the internal struggles that come from being raised with those role expectations.

Submissives?  Well, I gotta say that if submissives are REALLY disenfranchised in our deviant community, we’d better take a good hard look at what we in D/s are doing to each other.   

And if we aren’t disenfranchised, what are the implications of acting like we are?  There have been several famous experiments regarding stereotyping that showed that people really do live up to - or down to - the expectations of those around them.

If we as submissives depersonalize Dominants and speak badly about them as a class instead of dealing directly, as adults, with our Dominant adult partners as individuals, we say with our actions that we are disenfranchised in our relationships.  If we, as submissives, require “safe space,” defined as Dominant-free, in order to speak our truths, we say with our actions that we are disenfranchised in our community.  And if we really believe that we need to “learn to deal with” relationship terms that don’t work for us because our Dominant says so, we are disenfranchising ourselves to a degree that renders us unsafe to Dominate.

To me, power exchange is about meeting a deep need for a certain kind of charged intimacy.  We talk about trust, and about caring for ourselves and each other in the context of this dynamic.   There’s nothing caring about defining ourselves or each other as disenfranchised, and it makes us untrustworthy.

Most of my experiences have been in a male Dom/female sub context, and almost all of them have been on line.  I would be really interested to know if these behaviours are different for male submissives, or for people in same-gender dynamics, or in real life.  A question that occurs to me is: how much of what I’m seeing is an unfortunate overlay of “traditional” heterosexual gender roles on our D/s relationships?

These are my thoughts and opinions, shared in the hope that they will be interesting to others.  I welcome responses, other perspectives and further thoughts, including those from folks who disagree with me.

Meadow Theas