Mutual Respect (by Meadow)

In all our marvelous diversity, what we have in common is power exchange relationships.

Power exchange can be expressed by any action.  The action that expresses the exchange of power is like the celery that carries the cream cheese.  It’s a vehicle, neutral in itself, charged only by the fact that one person commands and the other obeys.

And power exchange itself doesn’t get us a pervert label.  It’s part of the mainstream in intimate relationships.  Consider “traditional marriage.”  The difference, and the thing that gets us considered perverted, is the diversity of our expression and the fact that we choose it rather than allowing our culture to dictate it.  Kink is part of that controversial diversity.

Despite all this, we perpetuate our own oppression by carrying social stereotypes into our D/s.  Gender roles are a prime example.  There’s no reason why doing the dishes should be either a female or a submissive task . . . yet I observe a strong trend towards assuming that subs/slaves are female and that their submission is expressed in domestic service.  And I suspect that many of the problems Dommes and male subs face are based in vanilla gender expectations.

And we generate our own stereotypes and labels from within as well, thereby generating both misunderstanding and disrespect.  Examples are myriad, ranging from relationship assumptions to the nature and capabilities of people based on whether they’re Dominant or submissive.  I can’t tell you how discouraging it is to feel myself facing, as a submissive in my theoretically revolutionary community, a similar set of limiting stereotypes to what I face as a woman in the vanilla world.

So here we are, wanting community, sharing a deeply primal human experience, yet united primarily by our diversity.  How can we talk to each other, learn from each other, when each of our relationships has its own vocabulary?  Even the word “submission” is defined differently by different people, and each definition describes a valid experience.

I would argue that “education” is something to be approached with care.  It’s human to want validation and reassurance that we’re succeeding in the dynamic we’re creating.  However, creation is individual.  As Marge Piercy said about writing:

“The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall . . .”

In M/s and D/s, what classes can offer us is techniques and somebody else’s preferences.  

What we each bring to the table is ourselves.  Our own experience, our own priorities and choices, our thoughts on what is right for us.  Not for our neighbors.  And we can bring open ears for the lives of others.  I believe that if we could listen to each other’s lives without feeling a direct or implied pressure to be like them, if we could take what’s right for us while respectfully leaving the rest, if we could act towards each other based on understanding and acceptance of each other’s individual preferences, we could learn more and do less damage to ourselves and others.

To my mind, what power exchange relationships offer us is a chance to live one of the most demanding spiritual tenets I know of:  the Wiccan Rede.  “And it harm none, do as you will.”

Thanks for reading.

Meadow
Ryn’s kajira

Slave safety (by Mirjam)

Following a Fetlife profile link I found an interesting essay on "Slave Safety" that once was published in the yahoogroup theslaveboynetwork. It was written by a male gay sub from California with the nickname coyote. The text was written for the gay leatherscene, but i think a lot of the advice coyote composed is also useful for hetero male and female submissives. Here is an URL to a website where I found the essay published:
http://boybear.us/safety.htm

Punishment for Dominants (by Zano)

Okay Dominants don’t get punished, at least not officially but we do get punished, either by ourselves or because of adverse reactions by those we care about. What I am writing about here is the purpose of punishment. No doubt like many other Dominants who care about submissives in their care this can be a struggle for me.

To begin with, when I started my first serious D/s relationship I thought that unless I was seen to be punishing my submissive that somehow I wasn’t being seen to be a real Dominant. It wasn’t hard to find reasons as she could be bratty but at the same time she was very keen to be obedient. However I did not feel it was right to punish her for this as I enjoyed her cheekiness and this is where it can go wrong for Dominants.

Many Dominants like submissives who are bratty and some actively encourage it and even boast about it, so they can find a reason to punish the submissive. I have done this in the past but in this is a fatal flaw that cuts to the heart of a D/s relationship and in my opinion begins to work to destroy it from the centre outwards.

If punishment has a place in a D/s relationship its place is that of correction. It acts to correct behaviours that the Dominant deems unacceptable, behaviours that are causing the submissive not to reach their full potential. Punishment only works with the agreement of the submissive which is the only point of congruence with “funishment”.

“Funishment” is the term commonly used for the encouragement of bratty behaviour so the Dominant can indulge in punishment that that both they and the submissive enjoy. There is nothing wrong in doing what they both enjoy. However as it is being done as punishment it begins to become the necessary precursor to such fun. As long as the Dominant continues to enjoy such behaviour it is okay for a while. But one of two things may happen, even two of two. The Dominant may find the behaviour occurring when it causes them annoyance or the submissive begins to lose respect for the Dominant as the encouragement of bratty behaviour is not truly a Dominant trait.

I believe that Dominants can learn to correct their mistakes but once this apple has been bitten the damage to the relationship is done. This is because it takes time to unlearn such things. During this unlearning period the submissive will suffer confusion which will spill over to the Dominant. Of course both submissive and Dominant can happily continue along this path, but in this case they are not truly involved in a D/s relationship but in a top and bottom one.

The purpose of a D/s realtionship is the grow the intimacy between Dominant and submissive. Punishment is one of the tools that the Dominant has. Its purpose is to correct behaviour that damages the relationship, replacing bad behaviour with habits that allow the submissive to flourish. It is not used to encouragebrattiness or other behaviours that damage the relationship. The submissive should not enjoypunishment. It may take the form of denying them something that they enjoy. It may even be just a statement that the Dominant is annoyed. One factor should always be there; the submissive should know why.

As stated above, punishment, as we see it, is often sado-masochist in nature but if both parties enjoy it, how is punishment? If both enjoy it, just enjoy it! Don’t do it as punishment, except within the context of a scene. Play is for fun so play on!

D/s Academy Events ~ Week: 04/02 - 04/08/2012 ~

1.   Monday  04/02/2012

time to relax :-)
      
2.   TUESDAY  04/03/2012
2.1 time: time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location: Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
                 
3.   WEDNESDAY  04/04/2012
3.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 am CET)
       type of event: TGIF Wednesday party
       DJ: MarinJenn Gothly
       location:  Castle Party Room,  D/s academy, Respect

4.   THURSDAY 04/05/2012
4.1 time:  1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: BDSM literature club
       subject: TBD
       host: Marion Fadlan
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect

5. Friday 04/06/2012
5.1 time:  12 pm SLT  (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: Munch (voice/text)
       subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends and fellow  lifestylers
       host: D/s Academy Staff
       location:  Welcome Area,  D/s academy, Respect

5.2 time: 6 pm SLT (8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern, 3 am CET)
       type of event: Discussion
       subject: TBD
       host: LC Beornssen
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect

6. Saturday 04/07/2012
6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: BDSM Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect

7.    SUNDAY 04/08/2012
7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Kaddan Yue
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect

Have a great &  kinky week  !