Where I am Led - part 3 - Courtesy (by Julala Demina)

Continuing O/our journey through the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christine Parker W/we will this week (on Monday 1st October at 12pm SLT) be looking at "Courtesy" and its place within a D/s relationship and as a quality for both Dominants and submissives.

Guidepost 4: Courtesy

Just as doors work better when oil is applied to the hinges, people work better when courtesy is extended to them. A moment spent being courteous now can save you hours of time repairing the damage later.

How important is courtesy in Y/your relationship?  Where does it play its part?  

W/we will again also be looking at two thoughts for the day.....one surrounding consent and what it means to Y/you, and the other looking  at complaints and concerns and how they should be addressed or expressed by a submissive....or if they should at all?

Please do join U/us at the Temple of Discussion.  A/all welcome.  Led in voice but text also welcome as always.  If Y/you are unable to join U/us at 12pm SLT on Monday 1st October please do leave Y/your comments here and I will be happy to convey them to the group at the discussion on Y/your behalf.

Hope Y/you are having/had a great weekend. :o)

Where I am Led - part 2 - Patience (by Julala Demina)

Last week we started a journey through the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christine Parker.

(For details of last week's session and a little about the workbook please see previous post)

At the next session being held on Monday (24th September) at 12pm (noon) SLT W/we will be taking a look at patience, which is third guidepost in the workbook (W/we will return to guidepost 2 at a point in the future - obedience has been covered quite a lot recently in group discussions so we have skipped to number 3).  What does patience mean to you in a D/s relationship?  Have you had to work at developing your patience?

Guidepost 3: Patience

Exceptional service requires exceptional patience. Have faith, focus on what is happening in the present, and the rest will follow.

W/we will also consider the following two "thoughts for the week":

"....Never assume that something is allowed just because it is not expressly forbidden. For example, an order to be respectful to all Owners does not imply permission to be disrespectful to all others..."

and

"... It is often said that slaves should never be proud. This does not mean that slaves should not gain self-­esteem and satisfaction from the progress they have made and their accomplishments. The danger of self-­pride in a slave is complacency. By remaining humble, a slave will continue to strive for further growth..." 

Do you agree with these statements?  disagree?  have something to add, an experience to share?

Please join U/us at the Temple of Discussion to reflect and discuss.  Led in voice but text always welcome as well.  Open to A/all.

If you can't make it on Monday but would like to contribute please do comment under this post and I will certainly share your thoughts on your behalf at the discussion.

Room for a Paraphillia in my life? (by Estos)

A couple of years ago, I wondered whether, if I never thought about bondage again, I'd be OK with that.

The question was introduced to me by a therapist who I was seeing at the time.  Bondage, apparently, was a paraphillia.

I looked it up:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia

To paraphrase; the jury is out,  it's open to personal interpretation, but if consent is involved, it's not a paraphilia (please correct me if I've got this wrong :) ).

I'd gone to this particular therapist because my RL relationship had cracks - it wasn't quite as 'full' as we wanted.  For me, it was because my partner wasn't into bondage - and that was a big part of who I had grown up to be.   My reason for going to the therapist was to 'integrate' my bondage fantasies into my RL, so that my RL relationship wasn't seen to be 'missing' a part of me.  My RL partner was also concerned that my bondage fantasies might turn into something more 'real'...

The idea that I had something that I needed 'curing' of was a big shock to the system.

My therapist suggested at the time that I abstain from bondage fantasies.

I was at that time up to my neck in a bondage Role Play at DeadEnd - Literally:  Estos had been captured by some seriously sexy girls (exceptionally imaginative and gifted role players), and was being tortured in a basement dungeon.  He'd been stripped and was on a 'milking machine'  A man on a breast sucking machine? The mind boggles.  It was the first time I'd been involved in a serious torture role play and it was fascinating that I was the victim as my male character - it was seriously challenging my imagination and my emotions.  Was I fighting (like a Dom) or was I trying to engratiate myself (like a sub) - it was one of those stories that really captured the imagination and made me look deep within myself as I grappled with who I was.

So, in a way, not going back to that story would have got me off the hook. I'd not have to think again about what was the connection between pleasure and pain, I'd not have to wonder how having my nipples sucked by a machine felt, nor was I having to wonder if I liked it. But I was annoyed too.  These were fellow people role playing with ME.  They'd set up a story-line, kept up the narrative, checked me out OOC to  make sure I was OK.

I was committed to the to therapeutic process.  Who was I to argue?   What did I know?

So I stopped playing in SL.  For a while.

That was when my bondage fantasies really took off.  All times of day, at home, at work, going to the supermarket... how much does an orange in the  mouth stifle the sounds of a captured woman, dragged into the cold store, her business suit, silk blouse, offering her no protection against chilled, moisture laden air,  tied up with nylon packing ties that cut into her delicate skin, calling out for someone to hear her, save her before she froze to death...

So, I wasn't playing in SL, but I was still fantasizing.  OMG I was in serious trouble!  This thing, this appendage, this un-normal, almost clinically defined behaviour had continued, got worse, since I was told to concentrate on RL, forget this distraction.

But I listened to my self.  I reflected, and I started asking questions.  Was this really something that I should find a cure for?

-- Answers? 

Hello...

Hello, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Amityville Darkgoddes. I am a owned slave and have been in this lifestyle for a little over a year now. It was in SL that I discovered who I am and I have come to embrace it both in SL and RL. On this blog I hope to share my thoughts, questions and concerns as I continue to grow as a person and a slave. I look forward to hearing different viewpoints and learning new things. Well that's it for now...

Where I am Led....starting tonight at 12pm SLT (by Julala)

Hi everyone - my first post *smiles and takes a deep breath*

Starting today at 12pm at the Temple of Discussion I shall be facilitating a peek into a book that I have found to be most useful in my own journey of service and submission and encourage some reflection and discussion around some of the concepts of service and D/s that are covered within it. 

“Where I am Led” by Christina Parker is a service exploration workbook and offers opportunity for reflection in the form of specific words (guideposts) associated with D/s and service, along with thoughts, some assignments and projects.  

Over the weeks ahead on Mondays at 12pm SLT W/we will select just some of these, reflect upon them, discuss them and see where they lead U/us (or have led U/us) in O/our own individual journeys.  How do W/we feel about the statements and thoughts?  Do W/we agree with them? Do W/we not?  Do they remind U/us of specific experiences in O/our own journeys?  

Tonight I will offer an introduction to the book and the author and make a start by looking at the following:

Guidepost #1 for consideration: Determination

"...Determination can often turn a failure into a success. There are many ways to accomplish the same goal.  If one way doesn’t work, try another until you find one that does...."

Thoughts for this week:

1. "...Many people make the mistake of assuming that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave shares equal responsibility for any consequences, either good or bad, that occur as a result of consensual activities..."

2. "...There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-­aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave/submissive who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an Owner..."

Hope to see Y/you all there later but if you can’t make it today at 12pm SLT please do feel free to post your comments here on the blog and I will happily take them to the discussion.

Voice led / text welcome.

Question 1 (in no particular order) (by Estos)

In my last blog entry I started off with the question:

"I'm vanilla in RL, but am I happy?"

I then gave the background to what led me to that question, both in RL and SL.

I thought I'd got a measure of what it took to define yourself in a BDSM context - you had elements of you that are Dom/me and elements that are Sub.  You just had to measure them out, and then find out where that put you on the continuum.  Once you'd pegged yourself, slotted yourself into a predefined set of acceptable behaviors and expectations, you could work on developing yourself, making yourself Better.

So, how much Dom and how much Sub am I?

Takes a deep breath.

There are LOADS of really great teachers and teachings in SL about the nature of kink, and I would be the first to point you in the direction of Meadow's excellent posts on this very website, and the many many other external links and tutorials, classes and lectures, both at D/s academy and other places, that discuss the intricacies of BDSM, relationships, perspectives, definitions and the like.

Meadow, for example states it very well in her post "Mutual Respect"

"What we each bring to the table is ourselves.  Our own experience, our own priorities and choices, our thoughts on what is right for us.  Not for our neighbors.  And we can bring open ears for the lives of others.  I believe that if we could listen to each other’s lives without feeling a direct or implied pressure to be like them, if we could take what’s right for us while respectfully leaving the rest, if we could act towards each other based on understanding and acceptance of each other’s individual preferences, we could learn more and do less damage to ourselves and others."

http://ds-academy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/mutual-respect-by-meadow.html

I've been to many lectures, always with a an open mind, hoping to hear someone else define a branch of BDSM, a flavour, if you will, that would reflect the colour that I think I am.  But I've not heard it yet. I'm clearly a shade (no pun intended, Ms E.L. James) that is less often discussed.

I had a chat with Mirjam in world, OOC, of course (reading my in world profile, you'll see that I'm an avid Role player - so I can come across as a character rather than me.  That's of course not devaluing that I am proud to be a bit of a character, even when I'm me.) So I asked Mirjam, on the off chance that she might know of where I could find kink-aware therapists, in RL, as I was looking for answers, and I knew they were in me, but just needed some excavation.  I said, "I'm into bondage, I need to find out why."

Mirjam said something only two other people have said on my journey so far:  "If you're happy, who cares why, just enjoy it"

I took stock.

I enjoy being a damsel in distress, dressed in a satin dress, tied to the rock, struggling against my bonds, heart pounding, desperate for escape, fearfully looking over my shoulder, prying at the the knots.  Oh the thrill!  So pretty!  So vulnerable! So feminine!

I also enjoy being the self centered, baddie.  My hands closing around the mouth of the beautiful damsel, pulling her back into the shadows, muffling her cries, as I render her immobile with swift coils of rope.  I love the way she looks so feminine and vulnerable, so exquisitely beautiful and helpless.  Mine to do with as I want.  Fearful of me, the all powerful!

 Shit, I don't even know who I am!  Can I enjoy being just this, wooly thing, un-pigeon holed, un catogorized, un stereo typed person?

Question 1 "How much Dom, how much Sub?"
Answer: Both, adding up to more than 100%

Shit.  How am I going to get on with the rest of my questions?

RL Therapy and Kink (by Estos)

My best friend is a Therapist...alas, a therapist can't work with friends and relations, but she does subscribe to 'Therapy Today' and that's were I found this article:


http://www.therapytoday.net/article/show/1984/

And fellow kinksters... so many of the Therapists in the UK still think I have a paraphilia - that I need to be cured of.

NLP anyone?

ps. if you're looking for a kink aware therapist n the UK - drop me a line, I have some contacts :)

A vanila's search for questions (by Estos)

Mirjam's post of 'love the questions' put me off the post was going to write.

She seems to know way too much - but if you ever met her in SL, you'd not immediately get that impression, shes so humble.

So, not despite but because of the 'love the questions' I'm going to introduce you to the questions that define my inner self:

I'm vanilla in RL but am I happy?

Since a small child I have been fantasizing about damsels in distress - of course as soon as I could, I started seeking out TV programs late at night.  But, I realised no one else (that I knew) had this interest, so it was clearly something I should be guilty about;  this secret excitement.   I tied my first  girl friend up, but she didn't enjoy it.  And there ended my delusions that girls in bondage was something I could experience in RL, and I retreated to my fantasies.

But fantasies are so fleeting, so hard to pin down, so difficult to develop the characters, add flesh to the environment.  So eventually I started to commit my fantasies to paper. But these wordings of dreams were compiled under the cloaks of greatest secrecy, for this was my guilty secret - the guilt of my fantasies that only me and, perhaps a handful of other people I would never find, shared.

For 10 years I wrote my stories, all the time, tentatively keeping my ear to the ground - there clearly were people into bondage (as this is what I discovered the technical name was for what I fantasised about)  But they seemed to be hard core - there were BDSM clubs, people who were into pain and torture, leather and dungeons and whips and chains.  I wasn't interested in any of that!  I just liked the idea of pretty damsel in distress!  A damsel tied to a tree, awaiting the arrival of a dragon, the pretty girl chained to the rock, struggling to escape before the monster arrived.  The private investigator caught, and tied to the chair, with the ticking bomb.  Each girl was in jeopardy, struggling to escape.  And in my fantasies, they did. Every one of them - and with all their clothes intact.  This wasn't  what happened in BDSM clubs.  Damn it...where were the people like me?

At last, in the late 00's I discovered love bondage sites, like loreili's and Red's realm of romantic restraint.  At last I had discovered people like me (all be it in America, 3000 miles away)  My inner-self was sated.  I could sleep easy, couldn't I?

But with this answer, I found NEW questions.  And where to find these answers?  Could I find them in other people's stories?  Pictures or 4 minute movies in 240 x 320 resolution?

How did the people who shared these guilty, kinky, deviant, underground thoughts experience them?  What part of their life did these thoughts play?

In 2006 I read an article in the Times about a research project into male fantasies - it provided a link - I followed and filled it in. http://www.independent.ie/unsorted/features/how-often-do-men-really-think-about-sex-111075.html

In 2008 I eventually found that the research had been finished but I never found the results damn it!  What I did find, was a reference to an online game called SL.  Apparently people explore their kinky sides in Second Life.  Anonymously of course.  Perfect!  I could talk to my fellow kinksters! 

WOW, there were a lot of kinky people in SL. FANTASTIC! I forget about about asking questions, and dove right in.  I set myself up with a nice girly avie, and put her in jeopardy.. now I was the star of someone else s damsel in distress story.  Great displacement activity - and not without it's own problems (gosh, roleplay - that's a subject all of it's own :) )  But I still had questions, even more now.  Where could I find the answers?

Where do you find answers to complex problems?  A school - with teachers.  >_<

Teachers who knew what they were talking about :)

And so I found myself on Freedom Continent, and A.C.E.S., D/s Academy, Blacksilk, the Gateway group, Empowered submissives...

A new question materialized out of of this muddy soup:
Where was the school to become a great Dom?  To be a superlative Sub?   Which was I? Perpetrator or Victim?

Love the questions (by Mirjam)

Estos' blogpost of yesterday reminded me of a text of the poet Rainer Maria Rilke that I like a lot.
"Learn to love the questions ....", taken from the "Letters to a Young Poet" that Rilke composed in 1903.
People who are new to BDSM and also the ones who are more experienced with it have a lot of questions. Some of them can be answered by research, by talking to people, by going to munches etc. Other questions might remain unanswered, and it might not always make us feel comfortable as knowing answers for humans often means to have security about things and to step into the future with less hesitation and doubt. 

Letters to a Young Poet

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903

"Here I feel that no human being anywhere can answer for you those questions and feelings that deep within them have a life of their own; for even the best err in words when they are meant to mean most delicate and almost in- expressible things. 

But I believe nevertheless that you will not have to remain without a solution if you will hold to objects that are similar to those from which my eyes now draw refreshment.

If you will cling to Nature, to the simple in Nature, to the little things that hardly anyone sees, and that can so unexpectedly become big and beyond measuring; if you have this love of inconsiderable things and seek quite simply, as one who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor: then everything will become easier, more coherent and somehow more conciliatory for you, not in your intellect, perhaps, which lags marveling behind, but in your inmost consciousness, waking and cognizance. 

You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can. dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. 

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is,to live everything. Live the questions now. 

Perhaps you win then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer".

An introduction to the SIM Respect (by ellaeric)

Many thanks to ellaeric who composed this text for the tour around the D/s academy's SIM Respect, the "D/s academy guide".

Welcome to the D/s academy on the SIM Respect, a place where members can meet in a relaxed atmosphere for discussions and lectures about BDSM and D/s. Since 2007 the  D/s academy is an institution and group in Second Life that wants to help people that have serious questions about styles of life that purposely involve D/s dynamics and that are looking for contact to other people who enjoy BDSM in its various ways. The D/s academy's work focuses on D/s & own personality, D/s relationship aspects, BDSM techniques and physical and emotional safety. To enhance a BDSM community among members interested in it, next to education also some fun events such as parties and concerts are regularly offered on this Sim. Please note this is NOT a sexual kink orientated role-play Sim, there are other places in SL that cater to those activities. Our focus is education and community of likeminded people.  Quite many D/s academy members are into BDSM in RL as well. The group is invite-only, please contact the founder and director Mirjam Munro or the managers Zano Irata, MarinJenn Gothly or MichaelDarkside Resident if you need further information and/or a group invite.

0. Welcome Pavilion
The central teleport in spot for the SIM Respect is the welcome pavilion.The welcome center is where you can get a copy of the schedule and up-coming events. Spotaneous munches/meet and greets are held there.
Discussions with scheduled topics are held at the Temple of Discussion and at the Ancient Theatre we meet for lectures and concert events. There are four boards around the pavilion, the main board is where you can get a copy of the schedule and rental info, it also gives time, date, event and host. The 2 pictures on this board show Sidius Core and Mirjam Munro, they are the owners of the SIM whose name is program: Respect.   The board behind the pavilion presents the currently active educators of the D/s academy staff. At the moment there are 14 discussion moderators and teachers working for the D/s academy, most of them have made D/s an integral part of their RL, hence they bring experience and You are welcome to adress them with questions You may have. The board with the blue map is a map that links the D/s academy Sim Respect to the Freedom Continent  which currently consists of 17 sims that are all dealing with BDSM and other adult styles of life in one way or another. The red boxes are the tele-porters to each place, feel free to explore them. As you walk around the D/s academy you will see the sculptures of the subbies kneeling, these are for donations to the D/s academy which help pay the SIM maintenance cost, so if you feel like dropping some linden love please feel free, it is greatly appreciated.

1. Temple of Discussion, this is where the discussions are held, you can also pick up information about the Mentoring program and about the staff from the board that is here.

2.The Ancient Theatre, this is where the lectures are usually held. Sometimes there are also live concerts and classic ballroom events here.

3.The House of Scrolls is where discussions are held about literature, there soon will be a book case with information that anyone can access, you can relax and read here if you wish. Click on the book on the table and it will give you a book which you can wear.

4. Multi sky sphere rentals, they work like holo decks and provide 6 quickly rezzing scenes to choose from, complete with landscape, buildings and furniture.  Tier is only 290 lindens a week with a plus of 60 prim allowance to rezz your own items.  If you are interested in renting talk with Mirjam Munro and Sidius Core.

5. The Oban Beach and undersea world, a place to relax and have some fun swimming, sliding down the slide to the undersea world, sit on the beach with friends or with each other and share some special time together.

6. The Shrine of Sounds where dances are held, currently we have two BDSM community parties with DJ's every week (Wednesdays at noon SLT and Saturdays at 11 am SLT). Sometimes we have live music here too.

7. If you like to swim, try the beautiful pool, with swim animation, just click the left hand side railing by the pink towel, you can also use your own swim HUD, each towel has its own animation for sitting by the pool. Play the addicting game of greedy or just hang out around the fire with that special one or with friends.

Hangout at Oban Beach ....

Estos's take on SL (by Estos)

September must be the start of things new for more than just students...  I too will be blogging here :)

SL has been a really interesting place for me - a place to explore, a place where you can be someone other than your RL person.

And what do we find in this place?  Some seriously strange individuals, some of whom are (shock horror!) only 'playing' at being strange, whilst others are erm, actually really strange.

We find players, and not players, lifestylers and vanilas, we find Masters and Mistresses, Dom/mes, subs and slaves.

But most importantly for me, I've found questions, and, the biggi for me, no BLOODY ANSWERS!

Giving Back to the D/s academy Community (by Michael)

Just a quick note to introduce myself to the D/s Academy Blog readership. My name is Michael Darkside, and I have been a resident here on the Academy's Sim (Respect) for a little over a month. I have also been a participant in D/s Academy discussions since I first set foot in SL late last year.

The D/s Academy community has been a welcoming and supportive one to me since I moved in, and has reached out and helped others I care very much about. So when Mir asked for volunteers to help with the Blog, I thought it was a good way for me to give a little back to this great community.

I look forward to getting to know more of our readers in the coming months when I have begun posting in earnest. But in the meantime, please feel free to stop by and say hello if you are on the Sim, or simply drop me a line at Michael.Darkside.SL@gmail.com and let me know what you might like to hear more about in our Blog.

Until the next time, keep well, and remember the tenets of the D/s Academy slogan - Live. Learn. Lust!

Michael Darkside

D/s academy staff (active)

If you have any questions on the D/s academy and/or are interested in getting more info about discussions and lectures offered, please contact one one the following currently active staff members:

• Epic Tank (discussion on shifting days during US evening time)
• Genny Clary  (discussion during US evening time, day&time TBA)
• Julala Demina (discussion Mondays noon SLT)
• Mirjam Munro (SIM owner, D/s academy director, lecture Thursdays 11 am SLT, munch Fridays noon SLT)
• Princessbbygurl Resident (discussion on shifting days during EU evening time)
• Sidius Core (SIM owner, D/s academy manager)
• Zano Irata (D/s academy manager, D Lounge Dominants only chat Tuesday 1 pm SLT, discussion for all Saturdays 1 pm SLT)

If you are interested in the submissives only project of the D/s academy, the "Subs Haven", please contact MarinJenn Gothly (subs haven manager) or Mirjam Munro. If you need support as submissive You can also directly contact Stormy Braveheart, Princessbbygurl Resident or Karlton Deezul, subs haven staff members.

For information on the D/s academy mentoring program please contact Zano Irata.

With questions on the SIM Respect or tour requests You are invited to either contact Mirjam Munro, Sidius Core, Zano Irata, Damiel Braham, ellaeric Madrigal, Ericella Sixpence, Michaeldarkside Resident or MarinJenn Gothly.

Eyes On ... SIM Redesign pt II: Pool area, games and hangout @ Isle of Sky

The SIM redesign on the D/s academy's SIM Respect is now finished and we hope that You like the new places and opportunities to hang out, meet people, chat and have fun. Many thanks to Ella, Damiel and Sidius for their awesome ideas and work with building, scripting and decorating, and many thanks to all who have supported the redesign of the SIM in one way or the other.

Now let's have a closer look at the Isle of Sky parcel. It is linked to the D/s academy parcel and is located right next to our party area, the Shrine of Sounds. Isle of Sky is providing a big roman pool for bathing fun and is probably also interesting for people who enjoy waterbondage and other water related kink :). Next to it there is a romantic seating area around a fire, ideal for chilled hangout time with friends and romantic cuddles. If you want to talk something in private, we suggest to you to retreat to this place as it is not on the same parcel as the D/s academy parcel, hence voice chat will not be heard on the D/s academy parcel with the Temple, Theater, Shrine of Sounds etc. What You also find at Isle of Sky is a game area and the House of Scrolls which is our place for literature chats of the D/s academy and will be equipped with the D/s academy library. More about it will be featured on this blog soon! Have fun exploring Isle of Sky!

Hängout Area (isle of Sky)

A visitor at the Game Area (Isle of Sky)

Another visitor (Isle of Sky)

The Roman Pool overview (Isle of Sky)

The Roman Pool (Isle of Sky)

The House of Scrolls (Isle of Sky)