Emergency Self Aftercare Class - 05/28/2014 (by mirjam)

"Emergency Self-Aftercare for submissives"
BDSM Pathfinder Class by Mirjam Munro, May 28th 2014
held at D/s Academy

Download as pdf

1. What is aftercare?

Aftercare slowly guides the submissive out of the subspace state where he/she might not be aware of the environment and, maybe, even him/herself. The endorphinic effect as a reaction to the "physical stress" in BDSM Scenes (by impact play, for example) can involve the feeling of disassociation of the individual to his/her environment. This is one way how subspace is described in literature.

A D/s academy member once said "I think it helps the sub get her 'edges' back - kind of get back into her body, ground". I liked this way to word it.

The purpose is to avoid sub drop, which can be a natural physical effect when the endorphine level go back to normal after a high. Maybe You have seen such happen with marathon runners, when they suddenly break down exhausted some time after having arrived at the end in euphoria, and start crying for no apparent reason or have other breakdown symptoms.

Aftercare makes sure the sub is observed, protected and comforted. It guides the sub back from sub space to "Normal real world" step by step. It prevents that the sub falls into subdrop. The Dom's task is to "bring back the submissive from another world to reality" - slowly, softly, caressing and observant, protective. Some do it by cuddling, simply holding, some by wrapping subbie in blankets, some by talking ... whatever works for the individual.


2. SELF-aftercare -. When is it needed?

princessbbygurl: "if the Dominant suddenly gets called away or gets sick or otherwise taken out of the picture. if the Dominant doesn't understand aftercare and provides none. if you start to drop suddenly and are away from the Dominant."

jwenting: "yes, or the sub can be taken out. I've had jobs where I was effectively on call 24/7, always had to be within earshot of my mobile phone and able to reach an internet connection in 5 minutes, or the office in 30"

Less likely in RL than in online environments, scening "body on body", but also there: The Dom can become "taken out of the picture" suddenly.. Here are some situations when the "Dom is not doing his/her job":

1 online relationship: Dominant suddenly offline due to tech problems, SL crash, times without internet in RL ... or rl wifes interfere (lol)

2 Dominant not able to give proper aftercare - for example lacking knowledge, lacking awareness of condition of the sub or is doing aftercare but in another way than the sub needs.

3 Another situation when "emergency self aftercare" is needed is after a release or when suddenly dom lets the sub alone for some limited time due to some "impulsive reaction" etc.

My experience is that an emotional feeling of safety and protection (that can be triggered when the Dom is present, holding the subbie etc) can compensate negative effects of biochemicals going into the drop/minus region temporarily before all settles back to normal in the body. It could be the effect of oxytocine, the "trust hormone".

Do the extremes when You are sure of the safety net to hold You when You fall. Like with extreme sports. Great kick when it succeeds, but also great damage when You fall and there is no safety net and no protection helmet. It is important, that submissives are able to pay attention to themselves and care for themselves when necessary. When "Dom is out of function", for whatever reason.


3. SELF-aftercare -. What could be elements of it?

Please share with each other what one could do to oneself, to get out of subdrop

solene: "I think if I found myself in such situation the way to snap out of it quick would be to call a trusted friend,, but its not always possible."

princessbbygurl: "i keep an emergency aftercare kit on hand. first of all, i have a list of steps written down to follow, as i know i will not be in quite my right mind :D.

a blanket to wrap myself in,
bottled water,
candy/chocolate,
books and things to read or keep my cell phone or tablet handy that has soothing music on it.

and i have found that if i am dropping hard or going back into subspace, if i have a focal point, visually, i can bring myself out, so i will have a picture i can focus on.

and i had one Dominant who did the very sweetest thing for me. he made a video of himself telling me how much he loved me and how special and important i was to him. It was SOOOOOO helpful to watch that when i was dropping and couldn't talk with him.but sometimes people have letters from their Dom/mes that do the same, so they can read them.
and it's always good, i think, to have a few contacts/friends who you can reach out to."

solene: "I would try to fight the feeling of abandonement by trying to get out of it, watching a funny movie or talking to a friend."

A few words on the topic "Self aftercare" from me (Mirjam):
Self aftercare always involves the emotional aspect of caring well for yourself, giving yourself proper attention and lovingly look at yourself.
It is something that is sometimes hard to do for a sub in subdrop, as submissives tend to feel responsible for their state, they might feel ignored or even tossed aside and "worthless", and they might not feel positive about themselves. In subspace and subdrop a sense of self and awareness of self might have gotten temporarily lost.
This is also a reason why having a prepared kit at hand and force oneself to use it, like princess is doing, is a great idea.

When You are submissive, it is important to anchor it in your mind that you, as a sub, are a precious person. And to not make this dependent on Your Dom that You are a precious person. Some written document, poem, or video from Your Dominant or a friend expressing right this might help in situations of drop. Something that reminds You of the value that you have. Maybe You need Your Dom to feel precious, but You do not need Your Dom to be precious. You are. Your Dominant had a reason to chose you. And you are not a sub who failed just because your Dom did not do (proper) aftercare. Take pride in your submission.

As self aftercare, Do everything to make yourself feel comfortable and safe. Quiet self-nurturing rituals are good.
Also, try to be gentle with yourself in your mind, don't judge feelings, love yourself and affirm your beauty and pride in your submission. Noone can take away from you what you are. And also, remember that You are not only the submissive inside of Yourself. You have other aspects of personality too.
There is a mental technique to let feelings come, project them onto a canvas into Your mind, to look at them without judgement and to let them go again.
I think such needs exercise to function well, and it also might not work for everybody, but for some people such mental techniques can be very helpful.

And most important: And nothing that you are can get lost longterm, it might just get out of sight. This is perception vs. essence. Us subs tend to think our perception of self and of our Dom equals our/their essence. Often it does not.

For the last part of the class, I could share some more ideas for self aftercare with You that I found on a great blog several months ago.
Source for the following advice is http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.de/2007/12/bdsm-for-beginners-part-10-emergency.html?zx=474a19a6158157fc
The blog has been redesigned in the meantime and many of the great articles that i could find there in the past are not online anymore.

So, what could one do right after a scene, to avoid subdrop? (the following quotes are taken from mistress160's blog)

"1 Allow yourself time to slowly come back to normal status. Because of the risk of lacking aftercare or because of the need of long aftercare BDSM scenes should not be squeezed into a tight schedule. It is hard for a sub in subdrop to care well for him-/herself and recover when he/she needs to work 30 minutes later."

"2 Clean up - Wash your hands and face. Maybe it helps you to hold hands & wrists under running water "to come back to earth". Change into comfortable clothes for a warm & cozy feeling. A blanket helps with it as well. A hot cup of tea. Get the rest that you need. Maybe get some sleep."

"3 Replenish energy reservoirs of the body: Drink lots of water or fruit juice (lot of liquid loss by physically demanding BDSM scenes possible - headache might indicate dehydration). To get blood sugar to normal level small healthy snacks such as nuts, fresh or dried fruit, chocolate, or an energy bar are good. Food with B-vitamins help your nervous system."

"4 When you feel freezing cold or even hot (which can happen when you body is filled with endorphines) , warm or cold showers, bubble baths ... may help"

"5 Gentle sportive exercise such as yoga or tai chi or a walk outside can help the body's biochemical levels return to normal"

"6 Then there are Mental exercises" ... Meditatiom for example that help to get back to "reality". Or "mental transformation"exercises, which means  that you change the perception of an object, or a feeling, by mental powers / imagination. one example is that of the tree: Focusing on something solid, picturing yourself as a tree, letting your roots sink solidly into the ground, taking the energy you need from the ground. (thanks for this idea, Ki). Our mind can do a lot and it can "root" ourselves in our self again which can help against the feeling of having "lost oneself". Reaffirm your self worth.

"7 Do something against the feeling of being alone. Call a good friend. Meet with people and get distracted (sports group, for example). Or when you find it impossible to be around people in this moment, then share with your diary and give expression to your soul. Do not forget to think about all your strengths and what can be cherished about you."

I advise to new submissives to stay away from Dominants that try to isolate you and do not allow you to keep a social net.

"8 When your Dom was not abusive, but just failing in action and you intend to remain his/her sub: Tell your Dom/me about your feelings when you're able. They need the feedback. And they might be able to help You. And simply telling them and sharing Your experiences with them might help You."

Don't worry about being "freaking needy" because this is part of the dance and they need to hear your feelings as much as you need to be heard. Don't assign blame where it's not warranted, but gently call attention to your symptoms of subdrop and suggest ways they might help you with it next time.


(C) by Mirjam Munro, 28th of May 2014 (revised edition of the November 2011 class)

The B in BDSM - What's your favourite bondage quote?

image source: http://kinbaku.kiev.ua/obvyazki/

A nawashi has got to listen to his heart, technique is not as important. 

When you are not fully into it with your full heart, 

the bound person becomes a puppet. 

The sense of shibari comes by the emotions that you put into it. 

(a translation of a quote by Kinoko Hajime) 

Kinoko Hajime is a Japanese rope artist. He is famous for his Cyber Rope shows and has also taught the art and technique of Japanese bondage (shibari) in workshops and lectures across Europe. See some of his work here: http://www.shibari.jp/album/

Looking forward to reading Your favourite quotes that are related to the B in BDSM - Bondage.