Fake, Flake Dominants (by Gemma)

I have posted here and here about the various sorts of dominants I have met online and the immediate superficiality that becomes evident from such meeting. In those posts, I have discussed the easy identifiers of such fake dominants in online spaces. Such identifiers usually include the use of honorifics in their names, an automatic expectation of submission, equating submission and slavery together as if they are one and the same, and a genuine sense of belief that they truly are masters because of their honorifics.

However, what I have not yet discussed are the ones who come to online spaces with their "real life" experience cards. There is a lot of discussion about how online D/s is watering down what is the actual experience of living in the lifestyle, in flesh. That online experiences of the lifestyle is a fantasy, artificial,  easy to get in and out of with clicks of the mouse and typing on the keyboards, whereas the real experience of being collared, leashed, of kneeling in front of your dominant, of feeling the dominant's touch on your skin while under his/her control are beyond the imaginations of those who "play" D/s online. As someone who is experienced in the "real" life arena, I have no problem with such characterization that unless you have actually experienced the lifestyle in flesh, what one experiences online is not the same as what happens in flesh. Yet, I am not quick to judge online experiences as entirely "unreal" either. There are various reasons why people enter into D/s relationships online and being genuine, open, and honest can allow for some beautiful ways of experiencing some aspect of a D/s relationship, not similar to the flesh experience, different, but still legitimate and real. 

What I have noticed though that there are some people coming to the online space and putting out their "real life" experience cards. As in, "I have 21 years of experience in the lifestyle, check me out, I am really a Master, I have earned this title." I have often wondered about those people and the legitimacy of their claims. First, anyone can come and claim anything for any number of years. Just because someone has done something for a certain number of years, does not automatically mean that they are any good at it. Doing something for 21 years does not mean doing it well. One could very well suck at something and keep doing it for years. In that case, the experience card is just a window dressing, an enticement, an advertisement, and in many cases a false one. 

Additionally, having been in the "real" life arena of the lifestyle, those I know who have "earned" the honorific of a Master, do not have a need to go around telling people, that they are a Master and that they earned this title. They come across settled, balanced, at peace with themselves, and allow their mastery to exude out of them so that others automatically see it, revere it, and acknowledge it. When "Masters" from other states came to my local BDSM community, they never asked us to call them by their honorifics. They never once mentioned that they have earned the title of "Master." We knew. It wasn't important to them, because they were secure in who they were and weren't in need of proving themselves. Some of us called these Masters, "Sir," others called them "Master," and yet some others just called them by their names, if he introduced himself as, "Hi everyone, I am Derek." But the point is, even if someone earns the title of "Master" from their local community, it isn't necessary to go around touting such honorifics, because mastery cannot be demanded, it is not something that needs to be marketed, advertised for its retail value like a used car. 

What makes me cringe further is that in some spaces in our online community, there are people who are so genuinely hungry for the guidance and presence of some experienced dominants, that the minute they hear "real life experience of 21 years," they automatically rubber stamp the person as legitimate, as a mouthpiece of all wisdom, and yet the person is running around insecure, trying to find his footing, and desperately repeating about his earned mastery every chance he is getting, his other qualifications, and being filled with a distorted sense of power and control, one that is dictated, and in no shape or form earned. Those dominants, the ones grounded in "old guard" philosophies who didn't buy into any one truism of D/s or BDSM, who mentored me, would caution me about such posers because real mastery does not need advertisement of any form, in names, in titles, in honorifics. Just because someone has "earned" a title in some space in their real life community does not mean that they are not going to have to "earn" the same respect in another community, real or virtual. That a real life master of 21 years do not understand the concept automatically makes me question the legitimacy of all of his claims. 

Dig a little deeper into the experience of such real to online Masters. Ask them how many people they have owned and for how long, and you would be surprised to see that their experience comes up empty. You would wonder how one could claim any kind of mastery, how one could mentor anyone else in their relationships, when s/he does not have the depth of experience himself or herself. If one hasn't run their own household, gone through the daily negotiations that happen in D/s, the hard act of balancing vanilla and lifestyle issues every single day, the deprogramming of social conditioning while living in flesh with another human being, the head spinning nature of having so much power and control over someone else's life, one's well-being, and still finding one's own footing, one's own grounding, one's own balance and peace, there is no way one can ever claim that s/he is a "Master" of anything no matter how many books one read, how many play parties one attended, how many munches one may have lead, and how many people one may have mentored with one's "theoretical" knowledge. 

This is not a game. This is an issue that anyone in the lifestyle should take seriously and all of us should be alarmed and alerted when people like these enter amidst us. Dominants hold a lot of responsibility in their hands, the unconditional trust of another human being, the surrender of a baby girl, the point of no return of a slave, and if they are not equipped and/or experienced to handle these responsibilities, touting an ability to do so with some unverifiable honorific title in their name, is just dangerous. 

In my opinion, those people who need to shout out loudly who they are, tagging themselves with honorifics, advertising their "mastery" of one thing or another frequently, despite having any real experience of ownership, are not only not worthy of the "Master" title, but are also very insecure human beings compensating for things that they do not feel they have. What these things are could be anyone's guess. However, what I would like to caution people who are reading this, is that when you hear someone coming to your online space and tout such experienced honorifics, question the person, see if that person is legitimate or not, because if they are not legitimate and they are going around doling out advice, then they are in a position to do a lot of damage to people and that is not desirable for anyone involved.

Cross posted at http://capturedconfessions.blogspot.com/