This post is inspired by the side comments about 24/7 in SL and RL in Gemma’s post and the subsequent comments.
I am occasionally asked what it’s like to be living with my Master 24/7. What comes immediately to mind when I hear that question is a paraphrase of an old fake movie ad about being gay:
*drum roll*
“They worked at their jobs! They shopped for groceries! They even went to the movies! They lived . . . The Master/slave Lifestyle! SEE . . . them do their laundry! HEAR . . . them order the local take-out! FEEL . . . your spine tingle as they watch TV!”
Gemma said that she and her Master imagined ”an integrated form of vanilla and the lifestyle, becoming a part of our life, eventually blurring the lines between the two.” And I think it’s exactly like that, although I might spin it a little differently. Life together in real involves basic life partnership stuff between adults, which to my mind is the same regardless if one is vanilla, D/s, gay, poly, etc. Then integrated into the functional structure of an adult life partnership one has the dynamics of vanilla, for example. Or D/s.
The adult life partnership is where one’s own relationship interfaces with the rest of the world. Money needs to be earned, dishes need to be done, mortgages need to be paid, someone has to walk the dog. Retirement needs looked after. None of that stuff cares if I call Ryn Master or Hey You, what gets it done is if we both get out of bed and take care of business. And details of protocol won’t even rate the back burner if one of us is in the cardiac care unit.
So most of the time, from the outside, our relationship looks like . . . well, like life. Pass the Chinese take-out container, please, my Master!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Hijacked Breakups (by Ryn and Meadow)
We’ve all seen it. A D/s couple are struggling or breaking up, there’s a question of abuse, people jump in to rescue the abusee and drive the abuser outta here. Looks righteous. But wait a minute, what’s really happening? Could this be hurting the very couple it’s meant to protect?
To talk about this phenomenon we need to look at a couple of things: the culture of fear, and the nature of proof. It has been said that “fear is the adrenaline of our time,” and in your authors’ experience this is becoming ever more true. Both RL and SL have developed a culture of fear, encouraged in RL by the media and in SL by the endless discussions of red flags, predators, abusers and sociopaths. Fear sells even better than sex. And nothing proves the need for fear better than finding a predator in our midst.
How do we prove our predators? In RL there is forensics. In SL there is. . . hearsay. In your authors’ experience, here in SL it is almost impossible to prove or disprove anything. People can and do easily escape responsibility for their actions. The dark flip side is that people can easily be held responsible for actions they did not do, and have little to no recourse.
In SL, the only fact that’s knowable about a breakup is the observation that the couple, at least in those avatars, is no longer together. It is compassionate and reasonable to assume that both parties to the breakup are suffering. But we have all seen it go further than that. Allegations of misconduct or abuse are made, either by the principles or by someone listening to their stories. Vague “proofs” may be presented. Listeners form conclusions based on indirect subjective evidence (tone of voice, consistence of story etc.) A set of unprovable allegations magically transforms into actionable facts in the minds of friends and strangers alike. A community of caring individuals sprouts pitchforks and torches and becomes a mob.
Why does this happen? There is a great deal of historical precedent in RL, and your authors would argue that the SL drivers are no different. The uncomfortable energy of fear can be discharged by locating and attacking an enemy “out there.” A mob supports its members to take emotion-based action without critical thought, and shields individuals from consequence. As witnessed by such TV programs as Jerry Springer, other people’s problems can be enjoyed as a blood sport. For Dom/mes, there can be the ego boost of dragon slaying, and the validation of being identified as on the Good Dom/me side of the fence. For subs, there may be reliving of a past victim role through another’s experience, projecting their own past feelings into the current situation. For both Dom/mes and subs, there can be the transference of past wrongs in their histories and the opportunity to get revenge by proxy.
The overt intention of the mob is to “help,” but is this helpful to our hurting community members? Much is made in D/s of the healing power of being seen. Many of us bring RL traumas and instabilities to our SL relationships, hidden behind the sparkle of our avatars. Pain is individual, its roots and depth unknowable in SL. Your authors hold that what most fracturing couples need is cooler heads, compassion, tolerance, eventual resolution, and in some cases solid pressure for RL help. The mob, however, is no longer about the individuals, nor about their reality. The mob needs the couple’s pain! It perpetuates and feeds upon suffering, perceived injustice, the need for intervention; the righteous glow achieved by condemning others, rescuing victims and slaying dragons.
Yes, there ARE predators and sociopaths out there, drawn to SL and other online venues by the lack of consequence and the limits of proof. There is abuse, people who successfully trap others in mind games or physical situations. Prudence and awareness are essential when engaging one’s RL self on any level in SL.
That said, your authors would argue that the vast majority of relationship breakups are just breakups, between people who like all of us are struggling with their own demons and having ordinary problems. Around their individual nidus of personal pain the community crystallizes its own agenda. Like sin and the Yom Kippur goat, the fears of the community are placed upon the heads of the couple, and a wilderness of polarization and projection opens around them at the moment when each of them likely most needs a sane and caring shelter.
We like to think we are rallying to support each other, to help our hurting friends heal, but who does this dynamic described really serve? What needs are actually being met? And the most disturbing question: in such situations could we in the community end up being the very thing we fear: Predators?!
your authors are Ryn Hax and Meadow Theas
To talk about this phenomenon we need to look at a couple of things: the culture of fear, and the nature of proof. It has been said that “fear is the adrenaline of our time,” and in your authors’ experience this is becoming ever more true. Both RL and SL have developed a culture of fear, encouraged in RL by the media and in SL by the endless discussions of red flags, predators, abusers and sociopaths. Fear sells even better than sex. And nothing proves the need for fear better than finding a predator in our midst.
How do we prove our predators? In RL there is forensics. In SL there is. . . hearsay. In your authors’ experience, here in SL it is almost impossible to prove or disprove anything. People can and do easily escape responsibility for their actions. The dark flip side is that people can easily be held responsible for actions they did not do, and have little to no recourse.
In SL, the only fact that’s knowable about a breakup is the observation that the couple, at least in those avatars, is no longer together. It is compassionate and reasonable to assume that both parties to the breakup are suffering. But we have all seen it go further than that. Allegations of misconduct or abuse are made, either by the principles or by someone listening to their stories. Vague “proofs” may be presented. Listeners form conclusions based on indirect subjective evidence (tone of voice, consistence of story etc.) A set of unprovable allegations magically transforms into actionable facts in the minds of friends and strangers alike. A community of caring individuals sprouts pitchforks and torches and becomes a mob.
Why does this happen? There is a great deal of historical precedent in RL, and your authors would argue that the SL drivers are no different. The uncomfortable energy of fear can be discharged by locating and attacking an enemy “out there.” A mob supports its members to take emotion-based action without critical thought, and shields individuals from consequence. As witnessed by such TV programs as Jerry Springer, other people’s problems can be enjoyed as a blood sport. For Dom/mes, there can be the ego boost of dragon slaying, and the validation of being identified as on the Good Dom/me side of the fence. For subs, there may be reliving of a past victim role through another’s experience, projecting their own past feelings into the current situation. For both Dom/mes and subs, there can be the transference of past wrongs in their histories and the opportunity to get revenge by proxy.
The overt intention of the mob is to “help,” but is this helpful to our hurting community members? Much is made in D/s of the healing power of being seen. Many of us bring RL traumas and instabilities to our SL relationships, hidden behind the sparkle of our avatars. Pain is individual, its roots and depth unknowable in SL. Your authors hold that what most fracturing couples need is cooler heads, compassion, tolerance, eventual resolution, and in some cases solid pressure for RL help. The mob, however, is no longer about the individuals, nor about their reality. The mob needs the couple’s pain! It perpetuates and feeds upon suffering, perceived injustice, the need for intervention; the righteous glow achieved by condemning others, rescuing victims and slaying dragons.
Yes, there ARE predators and sociopaths out there, drawn to SL and other online venues by the lack of consequence and the limits of proof. There is abuse, people who successfully trap others in mind games or physical situations. Prudence and awareness are essential when engaging one’s RL self on any level in SL.
That said, your authors would argue that the vast majority of relationship breakups are just breakups, between people who like all of us are struggling with their own demons and having ordinary problems. Around their individual nidus of personal pain the community crystallizes its own agenda. Like sin and the Yom Kippur goat, the fears of the community are placed upon the heads of the couple, and a wilderness of polarization and projection opens around them at the moment when each of them likely most needs a sane and caring shelter.
We like to think we are rallying to support each other, to help our hurting friends heal, but who does this dynamic described really serve? What needs are actually being met? And the most disturbing question: in such situations could we in the community end up being the very thing we fear: Predators?!
your authors are Ryn Hax and Meadow Theas
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Fake, Flake Dominants (by Gemma)
I have posted here and here about the various sorts of dominants I have met online and the immediate superficiality that becomes evident from such meeting. In those posts, I have discussed the easy identifiers of such fake dominants in online spaces. Such identifiers usually include the use of honorifics in their names, an automatic expectation of submission, equating submission and slavery together as if they are one and the same, and a genuine sense of belief that they truly are masters because of their honorifics.
However, what I have not yet discussed are the ones who come to online spaces with their "real life" experience cards. There is a lot of discussion about how online D/s is watering down what is the actual experience of living in the lifestyle, in flesh. That online experiences of the lifestyle is a fantasy, artificial, easy to get in and out of with clicks of the mouse and typing on the keyboards, whereas the real experience of being collared, leashed, of kneeling in front of your dominant, of feeling the dominant's touch on your skin while under his/her control are beyond the imaginations of those who "play" D/s online. As someone who is experienced in the "real" life arena, I have no problem with such characterization that unless you have actually experienced the lifestyle in flesh, what one experiences online is not the same as what happens in flesh. Yet, I am not quick to judge online experiences as entirely "unreal" either. There are various reasons why people enter into D/s relationships online and being genuine, open, and honest can allow for some beautiful ways of experiencing some aspect of a D/s relationship, not similar to the flesh experience, different, but still legitimate and real.
What I have noticed though that there are some people coming to the online space and putting out their "real life" experience cards. As in, "I have 21 years of experience in the lifestyle, check me out, I am really a Master, I have earned this title." I have often wondered about those people and the legitimacy of their claims. First, anyone can come and claim anything for any number of years. Just because someone has done something for a certain number of years, does not automatically mean that they are any good at it. Doing something for 21 years does not mean doing it well. One could very well suck at something and keep doing it for years. In that case, the experience card is just a window dressing, an enticement, an advertisement, and in many cases a false one.
Additionally, having been in the "real" life arena of the lifestyle, those I know who have "earned" the honorific of a Master, do not have a need to go around telling people, that they are a Master and that they earned this title. They come across settled, balanced, at peace with themselves, and allow their mastery to exude out of them so that others automatically see it, revere it, and acknowledge it. When "Masters" from other states came to my local BDSM community, they never asked us to call them by their honorifics. They never once mentioned that they have earned the title of "Master." We knew. It wasn't important to them, because they were secure in who they were and weren't in need of proving themselves. Some of us called these Masters, "Sir," others called them "Master," and yet some others just called them by their names, if he introduced himself as, "Hi everyone, I am Derek." But the point is, even if someone earns the title of "Master" from their local community, it isn't necessary to go around touting such honorifics, because mastery cannot be demanded, it is not something that needs to be marketed, advertised for its retail value like a used car.
What makes me cringe further is that in some spaces in our online community, there are people who are so genuinely hungry for the guidance and presence of some experienced dominants, that the minute they hear "real life experience of 21 years," they automatically rubber stamp the person as legitimate, as a mouthpiece of all wisdom, and yet the person is running around insecure, trying to find his footing, and desperately repeating about his earned mastery every chance he is getting, his other qualifications, and being filled with a distorted sense of power and control, one that is dictated, and in no shape or form earned. Those dominants, the ones grounded in "old guard" philosophies who didn't buy into any one truism of D/s or BDSM, who mentored me, would caution me about such posers because real mastery does not need advertisement of any form, in names, in titles, in honorifics. Just because someone has "earned" a title in some space in their real life community does not mean that they are not going to have to "earn" the same respect in another community, real or virtual. That a real life master of 21 years do not understand the concept automatically makes me question the legitimacy of all of his claims.
Dig a little deeper into the experience of such real to online Masters. Ask them how many people they have owned and for how long, and you would be surprised to see that their experience comes up empty. You would wonder how one could claim any kind of mastery, how one could mentor anyone else in their relationships, when s/he does not have the depth of experience himself or herself. If one hasn't run their own household, gone through the daily negotiations that happen in D/s, the hard act of balancing vanilla and lifestyle issues every single day, the deprogramming of social conditioning while living in flesh with another human being, the head spinning nature of having so much power and control over someone else's life, one's well-being, and still finding one's own footing, one's own grounding, one's own balance and peace, there is no way one can ever claim that s/he is a "Master" of anything no matter how many books one read, how many play parties one attended, how many munches one may have lead, and how many people one may have mentored with one's "theoretical" knowledge.
This is not a game. This is an issue that anyone in the lifestyle should take seriously and all of us should be alarmed and alerted when people like these enter amidst us. Dominants hold a lot of responsibility in their hands, the unconditional trust of another human being, the surrender of a baby girl, the point of no return of a slave, and if they are not equipped and/or experienced to handle these responsibilities, touting an ability to do so with some unverifiable honorific title in their name, is just dangerous.
In my opinion, those people who need to shout out loudly who they are, tagging themselves with honorifics, advertising their "mastery" of one thing or another frequently, despite having any real experience of ownership, are not only not worthy of the "Master" title, but are also very insecure human beings compensating for things that they do not feel they have. What these things are could be anyone's guess. However, what I would like to caution people who are reading this, is that when you hear someone coming to your online space and tout such experienced honorifics, question the person, see if that person is legitimate or not, because if they are not legitimate and they are going around doling out advice, then they are in a position to do a lot of damage to people and that is not desirable for anyone involved.
Cross posted at http://capturedconfessions.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
More Curves than a "?" Mark... (by Mysteri)
The first time I was given this saying by a very dear friend of mine, I thought I would giggle myself into a fit and right of my computer chair, but I have now fell in love with it and use it quite often. In RL, most of us will always find some element about ourselves that we most definitely wish to fix in SL, and that is "OK!" We are human. Imperfect and asymmetrical human that is made unique in Nature's way and for that we all should stand proud. However, in SL we can be as beautiful... or as odd, or as furry, old, young and the list goes on... as we want to. Ultimately giving us a way to project our sense of being on that particular moment or day.
For me, depending on my clothing (when I am allowed them) and even my hair style, you can almost tell immediately what type of mood I am in when logged into SL. I love it. Giving me a visual representation of how I 'feel', but in real life, it is not possible to click a button and make myself feel/look pretty, mysterious, or odd. Something that has provided some frustration in real life is my inability to sneak that reflective time in.
Even though I do not care for a Dom/Master in RL or even children for that matter, I still am very much a responsible individual for much of my household running and at times, things can become extremely overwhelming. With the holidays here, I find that need for the 'me' time more and more. I began think of small, but inexpensive things I CAN do that are rewarding and fulfilling and came up with this list of items that make me feel like my mood:
For me, depending on my clothing (when I am allowed them) and even my hair style, you can almost tell immediately what type of mood I am in when logged into SL. I love it. Giving me a visual representation of how I 'feel', but in real life, it is not possible to click a button and make myself feel/look pretty, mysterious, or odd. Something that has provided some frustration in real life is my inability to sneak that reflective time in.
Even though I do not care for a Dom/Master in RL or even children for that matter, I still am very much a responsible individual for much of my household running and at times, things can become extremely overwhelming. With the holidays here, I find that need for the 'me' time more and more. I began think of small, but inexpensive things I CAN do that are rewarding and fulfilling and came up with this list of items that make me feel like my mood:
- Dress up: Finding something that has been buried in my closet for eons because I don't wear a suit to work anymore has it's benefits. Even if I am just going to the grocery store, I occasionally will find my favorite pair of heels (preferably my boots) and a slinky skirt and jacket set and dress myself up to the nines.
- Bubble baths: I LIVE in my garden tub. Anyone that knows me know that this is my "decontamination" chamber and despite being curvy have found that water does make me feel sexy and real. Adding bubbles... well that is the icing on the curves.
- A new piece of jewelry: I love the clearance racks and not just for jewelry, but I do find jewelry can sometimes help me feel a bit more embellished and sparkly giving me a reason to show off my neck line (despite the double chin cause for me, I don't see it so neither will anyone else *wink*) or my unique ears (they have small points on them giving me a bit of a "Fae" appearance but hardly noticeable unless I point them out.)
- Candles: Now I know some of you really probably are even thinking of 'how' a candle can make someone feel 'sexy' but it sure helps my aura to light a few of them around the house and give it the warm cozy feeling that the home lacks when time of chaos helps. Calming me, the home, and the air around me, does make me proud of my womanhood. Was that not our job to make our homes inviting? To produce a cozy, maternal and loving environment that anyone would feel welcome to?
All of these are items that are 'feel-good' things that we can do cheaply and inexpensively. Sometimes combining them all if I feel ultimately needing all of that and yes, even turning off all the lights and building or photo editing by candle light at my desk, all give me a way of feeling like SL came to RL and pushed the button to put me in the right mood.
What are some of the ways you indulge your self when you are feeling down? I would love to hear them.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
D/s Academy Events ~ Week: 12/12 - 12/18/2011 ~
1. Monday 12/12/2011
1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
type of event: Discussion (text)
subject: TBD
host: Genny Clary
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
2. TUESDAY 12/13/2011
2.1 time: time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
subject: TBD
host: TBD
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
2.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: sub Cafe
subject: Chat/Discussion for submissives only
host: Spankichu Barbecue
location: subs Haven skysphere, Respect
3. WEDNESDAY 12/14/2011
3.1 time: 10 am SLT (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
type of event: submissive field trip (no Dom/mes allowed, sorry ;-)
host: Jaymie Melody
Meeting point: Welcome Area, D/S Academy, Respect
3.2 time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 8 am CET)
type of event: TGIF Wednesday party
DJ: MarinJenn Gothly
location: Castle Party Room, D/s academy, Respect
4. THURSDAY 12/15/2011
4.1 Time: to be confirmed
type of event: BDSM Story telling party
host: Mirjam Munro
location: to be confirmed
4.2 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
type of event: sub Cafe
subject: Chat/Discussion for submissives only
host: kimmie Claridge
location: subs Haven skysphere, Respect
5. FRIDAY 12/16/2011
5.1 time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
type of event: Munch (voice/text)
subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends and fellow lifestylers
host: Azurianna Saxondale
location: Welcome Area, D/s academy, Respect
6. SATURDAY 12/17/2011
6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: Zano Irata
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
7. SUNDAY 12/18/2011
7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: Kaddan Yue
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
Have a great and kinky week !
1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
type of event: Discussion (text)
subject: TBD
host: Genny Clary
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
2. TUESDAY 12/13/2011
2.1 time: time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
subject: TBD
host: TBD
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
2.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: sub Cafe
subject: Chat/Discussion for submissives only
host: Spankichu Barbecue
location: subs Haven skysphere, Respect
3. WEDNESDAY 12/14/2011
3.1 time: 10 am SLT (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
type of event: submissive field trip (no Dom/mes allowed, sorry ;-)
host: Jaymie Melody
Meeting point: Welcome Area, D/S Academy, Respect
3.2 time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 8 am CET)
type of event: TGIF Wednesday party
DJ: MarinJenn Gothly
location: Castle Party Room, D/s academy, Respect
4. THURSDAY 12/15/2011
4.1 Time: to be confirmed
type of event: BDSM Story telling party
host: Mirjam Munro
location: to be confirmed
4.2 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
type of event: sub Cafe
subject: Chat/Discussion for submissives only
host: kimmie Claridge
location: subs Haven skysphere, Respect
5. FRIDAY 12/16/2011
5.1 time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
type of event: Munch (voice/text)
subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends and fellow lifestylers
host: Azurianna Saxondale
location: Welcome Area, D/s academy, Respect
6. SATURDAY 12/17/2011
6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: Zano Irata
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
7. SUNDAY 12/18/2011
7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: Kaddan Yue
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
Have a great and kinky week !
Saturday, December 10, 2011
What is fearful about D/s? (by Zano)
(This was the discussion topic hosted by me on the 10th December and some of this is from the contributions from those present so it is not all down to me. Thanks you).
D/s is very intense style of relationship. By this I do not mean people who are into play but those who are committed to making it part of their daily lives. For me play is only the froth on the surface. Yes it is fun but D/s is so much more. The stronger the bond the greater the benefits but perhaps also the greater the fear involved. When I was less knowledgeable I often wondered how I would cope as a Dominant in a deep relationship. While I am far from perfect that is no longer such a great fear for me. It is still there but I do not obsess about it.
The following are the main areas where we can find fear in our relationships. Please feel free to add to them in any comments you make.
Rejection. This is a normal fear in any relationship and certainly in D/s the greater intensity of the connection makes it harder to endure. Possibly, this is true even for the person who does the rejecting as it takes a lot of courage to leave someone.
Deception. We tend think of Dominants doing this to submissives. That is far too simplistic and it can go in both directions. It is particularly easy in SL; one can dance with your partner while you have cyber sex with another. I am not sure how I could keep both conversations going but it can be done.We can claim to be 30 while actually being 70. Single when actually encumbered with a spouse and children. There is no intrinsic accountability online. All we have is the honesty and integrity we have. Unfortunately some do not share this to the same extent and we have to go warily in online relationships.
Deception can be as as simple(?) as people having affairs. We can all think of people who have done or are doing it. Or people form relationships and promise the earth and either at the crunch point back out or never had any intentions of following through. Then there are others who are players and pretend to be what they are not and create a powerful image around their submissive or Dominant. Then finally there are those who are trying to be what they are not and don’t realise that it is beyond them. It was suggested that much of this self-deception is actually accidental. The Dominant or submissive builds up a picture within themselves and it becomes their reality.
Responsibility. I am sure that some will say that if you fear this you are not ready for it. In many cases that could be true, but I would argue that if you don’t have fears about it then you are not ready to take control. Apprehension is normal and healthy providing it is controlling your actions. Being aware that the submissive has given themselves over to you and that your actions have consequences for them is a sign of maturity. Likewise the submissive has responsibility for themselves. One of the greatest dangers could be that this they just abdicate to their Dominant. If they do this how they really function? Also is it fair?
Surrender. This is the ultimate goal. But as you make each step does the next become easier or harder and if so what is that telling you. I would not suggest that if it is easier then it is definitely right. That actually could be more dangerous. We need apprehension to test it. Without it you could end up with huge problems that take a long time to extract yourself from.
Although it is the submissive who is surrendering but the Dominant is giving part of themselves up too. As you become more and more a couple and becoming ‘one’ then while you are gaining you are also losing some individuality as your relationships grows.
Finally the biggest thing you should be fearful of going too fast. In my first paragraph I write that D/s is extremely intense and each step should be slowly tested. Going forward in a frictionless environment will lead to a large bump at the end.
D/s is very intense style of relationship. By this I do not mean people who are into play but those who are committed to making it part of their daily lives. For me play is only the froth on the surface. Yes it is fun but D/s is so much more. The stronger the bond the greater the benefits but perhaps also the greater the fear involved. When I was less knowledgeable I often wondered how I would cope as a Dominant in a deep relationship. While I am far from perfect that is no longer such a great fear for me. It is still there but I do not obsess about it.
The following are the main areas where we can find fear in our relationships. Please feel free to add to them in any comments you make.
Rejection. This is a normal fear in any relationship and certainly in D/s the greater intensity of the connection makes it harder to endure. Possibly, this is true even for the person who does the rejecting as it takes a lot of courage to leave someone.
Deception. We tend think of Dominants doing this to submissives. That is far too simplistic and it can go in both directions. It is particularly easy in SL; one can dance with your partner while you have cyber sex with another. I am not sure how I could keep both conversations going but it can be done.We can claim to be 30 while actually being 70. Single when actually encumbered with a spouse and children. There is no intrinsic accountability online. All we have is the honesty and integrity we have. Unfortunately some do not share this to the same extent and we have to go warily in online relationships.
Deception can be as as simple(?) as people having affairs. We can all think of people who have done or are doing it. Or people form relationships and promise the earth and either at the crunch point back out or never had any intentions of following through. Then there are others who are players and pretend to be what they are not and create a powerful image around their submissive or Dominant. Then finally there are those who are trying to be what they are not and don’t realise that it is beyond them. It was suggested that much of this self-deception is actually accidental. The Dominant or submissive builds up a picture within themselves and it becomes their reality.
Responsibility. I am sure that some will say that if you fear this you are not ready for it. In many cases that could be true, but I would argue that if you don’t have fears about it then you are not ready to take control. Apprehension is normal and healthy providing it is controlling your actions. Being aware that the submissive has given themselves over to you and that your actions have consequences for them is a sign of maturity. Likewise the submissive has responsibility for themselves. One of the greatest dangers could be that this they just abdicate to their Dominant. If they do this how they really function? Also is it fair?
Surrender. This is the ultimate goal. But as you make each step does the next become easier or harder and if so what is that telling you. I would not suggest that if it is easier then it is definitely right. That actually could be more dangerous. We need apprehension to test it. Without it you could end up with huge problems that take a long time to extract yourself from.
Although it is the submissive who is surrendering but the Dominant is giving part of themselves up too. As you become more and more a couple and becoming ‘one’ then while you are gaining you are also losing some individuality as your relationships grows.
Finally the biggest thing you should be fearful of going too fast. In my first paragraph I write that D/s is extremely intense and each step should be slowly tested. Going forward in a frictionless environment will lead to a large bump at the end.
Internal Enslavement pt. 5 - "Submission in Stages" (by mirjam)
This is the fifth essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "Submission in stages" and will focus on the development of a submissive that engages in an M/s relationship to reflect on various possibilities to strengthen the intimate bond between Dominant and submissive. What facilitates and what threatens enslavement in D/s context?
Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK.
0. Introduction
The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership". When the authors of the IE website speak of a "natural slave" they mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.
1. Conditions that allow the growth of an M/s bond up to the enslavement of the submissive
I guess we all are aware that no intimate relationship of a Dominant and a submissive can successfully work longterm without the pillars safety sanity and consentuality (--> "informed consent"). The conditions for an intimate relationship involving the D/s dynamic pretty much seem to be the same as for any kind of intimate relationship, of the BDSM kind or not.
The solid ground is "matching characters/compatibility", mutual attraction, mutual respect, honesty, openness, a tight bond of trust, mutual commitment and the will of the partners involved to actively work on the success of the relationship which also includes will and ability to self reflect and to communicate.
So, when we have the solid ground and these nice pillars, what will prevent the solid material
from crumbling when time is taking effect after the first bliss of a new D/s relationship?
If you hung on the lips of some grand self-proclaimed Masters and Mistresses, You might think it is rules that rule. Have a good rule set and all will go smoothly and longterm. Nice ideologies. Let's look at the reality of being humans. I say ... the most important thing that will prevent a D/s relationship from crumbling to pieces after the first bliss is over, is ENJOYMENT. In this a D/s relationship is not really different from any kind of intimate relationship, right? Just the areas and methods of finding enjoyment might be different.
* Enjoyment of the other person and how he/she is.
* Enjoyment of oneself in the relationship ... enjoyment of Your role as submissive or Dominant or switch ... enjoyment of how one can be due to the fact of being together with the Dominant or submissive partner.
*Enjoyment of the mental and emotional aspects of D/s and their effect on one's own and the other's mind and heart.
*Enjoyment of having control or enjoyment of giving control away. Enjoyment of experiencing the partner in control-loss or in control.
* Enjoyment of the physical aspects of a D/s relationship, for example SM practise (if involved).
Finally, it should also be bourne in mind when considering potential Masters or slaves that Internal Enslavement is necessarily built while living together, and this will involve the submissive joining the dominant's household at some point.
Tanos writes: "It is considerably easier to evaluate genuine compatibility if dominant and submissive can spend time together regularly before moving - for instance, spending every weekend at one house or the other, or spending an extended period of "everyday" time together (eg a few weeks, and not just a holiday.) "
For this reason, there is often a risk associated with starting a long-distance relationship in the hope that it will lead to enslavement, since you may not be able to fully evaluate whether you are compatible before it is time to live together if the relationship is to progress.
In this context I would now like to mention some unplesant things that occur in too many long distance relationships that came into existence by online contact.
2. Unhealthy conditions - example: Myths used to deceive submissives
(source of info: http://www.enslavement.org.uk)
a) Online training
Online training is the most common distraction from a genuine search for M/s. A number of men with no intention and/or no talent of establishing enslavement seek to attract women with a genuine need for an M/s relationship.
One ploy is to offer some form of online training which is claimed to increase the submissive's attractiveness to potential Masters. Online training can lead to periods of short term dominance, which go some way to satisfying this need in some submissive women.
However, because submissives always retain final control in online submission (by withdrawing if necessary) they are ultimately unsatisfying - in particular, Reactance cannot normally be overcome if submissives are expected to "dominate themselves" into obedience.
b) Formal Mentoring
Formal Mentoring is often a more sophisticated variant of the Online Training ploy, and isn't limited to online environments.
There have been respectable traditions of mentoring in some parts of BDSM's history (in particular, the Old Guard Leather subculture among gay men up to the mid 1970's).
However, it is commonly used in online communities to enable dominants to obtain committed submission without taking any responsibility, and without making clear their motivation.
In particular, mentoring is frequently portrayed as some form of public service that the dominant does to "give back to the Lifestyle", and in which he will train the submissive in some way, encourage her to explore her self and filter out unsuitable potential Masters for her.
Tanos clearly states on http://www.enslavement.org.uk/:
"Although I do agree that would-be slaves can learn some useful things in relationships of submission outside of Enslavement, I believe the true motivations of all involved should be made clear from the start. For dominants, this will normally include their desire to control, understand and be served by submissives, and such relationships may be better viewed as limited Service with opportunities to learn, rather than purely as Mentoring." (cited from
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
I would like to underline "DESIRE TO CONTROL".
If a self-proclaimed Master has no deep desire, even need, to control, then an M/s relationship cannot work longterm. And with desire and need there come up the question for TALENT.
Is the "Master" willing and able to invest the great efforts it takes to take control?
Le's look at the sub: Des he/she have the need to be in control? Ad is he/she able to truly cope with control loss and enjoying it? It comes down to the question if the sub is what Tanos calls "a natural slave" that has another way to experience and deal with reactance than other people have. evertheless, in most cases, the best source of guidance for an inexperienced female submissive is usually a circle of other submissive friends with similar needs, rather than a dominant. .
c) Secret Training Houses
Let''s see what Tanos wrote about them:
"Secret Training Houses is one of the most suprising myths to persist online, and probably owes its origin to the mysterious slave-training chateau in the "Story of O"."
"Typically, a dominant will claim to be part of a worldwide, underground network of training houses, decry the falling standards in BDSM today compared to the "Old School", "European" or "Formal" standards of his youth (he has been "in the Lifestyle" either exactly 20 or exactly 30 years) and then tell the enthralled submissive that he can tell even through her computer screen that she is good enough for him to introduce into his organisation... " (cited from
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
As these examples may illustrate, it is not at all easy to find a good, well-,matching Dominant or submissive partner that is actually worth investing Yourself into a committed relationship with him/her. But I don't want to cling to the negatives here. Let's see how submission may develop if a sub actually went into good Dominant hands and conditions are set for establishing a well-working longterm D/s relationship up to the bond of M/s, with the submissive being enslaved property of his/her Master/Mistress.
3. Submission in Stages
The initial phase of starting and building on an M/s relationship is a most delicate time: The sub and the Dom might already have a well working D/s bond, but for a Master-slave relationship more is needed. Of course, we hear the question ring on the mind if this all isn't an ideal, a fantasy, also by presenting it as something "different" that requires "more" than the "usual". Something that requires a "diploma", one could think. But in fact it is nothing but about nature. No forcing it makes sense, things should just happen as they naturally fit with people.
There is the apparent contradiction of consensual non-consent: The submissive needs to change from a willing supplicant, seeking eslavement, into a slave held in her Master's possession. One of the pillars of a D/s relationship, as we know, is consent. This implies that a submissive usually has freedoms that have been negotiated. A submissive can say no and leave a D/s relationship, for example. A submissive can always safe-word.
Now, when a submissive becomes a Master's possession as His/Her enslaved property, there potentially is a tension between the freedoms the submissive still has and the authority the Master needs to progressively acquire. uthority that is also grounded in a Master's/Mistresse's need for control. control He/She will take from the slave and simply use as He/She pleases, let's hope responsibly. An authority of the Master/Mistress that induces the sub seeking enslavement to "consent to nonconsent", so to speak. A power that lets the sub turn over his/her powers and control to the Master/Mistress completely, becoming His/Her property that is being cared for and that is being decided on.
.
Now, what is so diffcult about it? Progress can be halted and the Master's authority undermined by a reactive submissive selectively vetoing his decisions to prove to herself she is still free. Which is in fact the reason why "Total Power Exchange" seems to remain a matter of fantasy and ideals, not appearing apt to withstand the reality of relationships. And it is a
very natural thing, nothing to be criticized or despised as trait of the "less developed form" of submission. In fact, such inner rebellion against a Dom's command could be rooted in the antropological need for freedom and as such is not to be judged negatively. It is about being human.
Reactance, the emotional reaction towards restriction of freedom, helps us reflect when we are in unsafe situations and thank God this natural mechanism cannot be submerged by any external control. It is up to the subject how to act if reactance is felt.
If i felt uncomfortable with a command of my Dominant and felt reactance, but nevertheless did it because it is His will and I were eager to please Him, it is likely that it at the same time fulfilled a deep need within me to be controlled and to feel the bliss as soon as i got over the reactance peak.
"Submission in Stages" is a model that can help with the transition of the sub, being in relationship with the Dominant and still having several things of herself and some freedoms, to an enslaved sub/slave that is owned posession of a Master, having turned over the control/power into the hopefully capable hands and braincells and heart of the Master (--> Power Exchange). To put in a nutshell, it is as if the Dominant was cutting the big cake that we call "Total Power Exchange" (full enslavement) into smaller pieces, then feeding them to the sub bit by bit, so that the sub can have time to get used to the new aspects in the nature of their M/s relationship and have the chance to consent to each of these bits individually.
Tanos writes: "In this approach, the dominant lays out stages of increasing authority transfer which the submissive consents to as her trust increases. For example, one stage might give the dominant authority to require domestic service, a respectful attitude and control over what the submissive wears, but exclude the right to demand sexual access, control over finances, choice of job, where she lives etc." (cited from http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
So you could say, this all happens prior to slavery, as this "cake feeding" period is a phase of voluntary submission, and the sub always has the right to consent or not consent to each of the single "cake pieces". During this phase it is always clear how far the dominant's authority is guaranteed; the submissive retains reassuring control over aspects of her life which she still feels she cannot give up; progress is made at her pace; but the path is still defined by the Dominant. Submission in Stages can either be agreed verbally or by written agreements or even with formal contracts.
Such "voluntary submission" can also be described as "service", and "submitting and being in service to a Dominant" is different to "Being property of a Dominant". During the "Submission in stages" phase we have a service D/s relationship, not yet achieved enslavement and not yet achieved the sub's status as possession of the Dominant. "However, we should stress that the Internal Enslavement process will already have begun right from a supplicant's first meeting, by building trust and opening up the submissive's Self to the dominant." (Tanos, cited from
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
"The "emotional" acceptance of the dominant's authority will usually be deeper than the sub's "rational" acceptance during this phase - that is, there may be aspects of her life which she does not yet think she could lose control over; but if confronted by the dominant taking control of them, she discovers she can in fact accept it." (Tanos)
I call this phase when the sub is starting to feel alignment of the will of the Dominant with her own needs. Such alignment is so to speak the "Vital IT" of any intimate relationship, and without it no relationship is going to work well longterm.
Tanos also gives this advice to Dominants who wish to enslave a submissive: "A techinique like Submission in Stages can yield more reliable and quicker results than a trial and error process of the dominant continually testing how far his authority extends, since the errors continually undermine trust and authority."
So, what follows "Submission in Stages", if it has gone on successfully and led to ENJOYMENT and inner alignment and contentment for both, the potential Master of the potential slave?
Final stage: The sub accepts the dominant's authority over all aspects of her life, and confirms her desire to become his slave. This can happen after some weeks, and with other submissives craving enslavement, after some months of D/s relationship with the prospective Master. With this Consent to Enslavement in place, the work of building her emotional acceptance of her slavery can proceed.
So, to come to an end here, let me put a Dominant's main task in words if He/She dreamt of enslaving a submissive and becoming his/her owner:
"BUILDING THE SUBMISSIVE'S EMOTIONAL ACCEPTANCE OF HIS/HER SLAVERY"
written by Mirjam Munro, December 2011
Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK.
0. Introduction
The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership". When the authors of the IE website speak of a "natural slave" they mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.
1. Conditions that allow the growth of an M/s bond up to the enslavement of the submissive
I guess we all are aware that no intimate relationship of a Dominant and a submissive can successfully work longterm without the pillars safety sanity and consentuality (--> "informed consent"). The conditions for an intimate relationship involving the D/s dynamic pretty much seem to be the same as for any kind of intimate relationship, of the BDSM kind or not.
The solid ground is "matching characters/compatibility", mutual attraction, mutual respect, honesty, openness, a tight bond of trust, mutual commitment and the will of the partners involved to actively work on the success of the relationship which also includes will and ability to self reflect and to communicate.
So, when we have the solid ground and these nice pillars, what will prevent the solid material
from crumbling when time is taking effect after the first bliss of a new D/s relationship?
If you hung on the lips of some grand self-proclaimed Masters and Mistresses, You might think it is rules that rule. Have a good rule set and all will go smoothly and longterm. Nice ideologies. Let's look at the reality of being humans. I say ... the most important thing that will prevent a D/s relationship from crumbling to pieces after the first bliss is over, is ENJOYMENT. In this a D/s relationship is not really different from any kind of intimate relationship, right? Just the areas and methods of finding enjoyment might be different.
* Enjoyment of the other person and how he/she is.
* Enjoyment of oneself in the relationship ... enjoyment of Your role as submissive or Dominant or switch ... enjoyment of how one can be due to the fact of being together with the Dominant or submissive partner.
*Enjoyment of the mental and emotional aspects of D/s and their effect on one's own and the other's mind and heart.
*Enjoyment of having control or enjoyment of giving control away. Enjoyment of experiencing the partner in control-loss or in control.
* Enjoyment of the physical aspects of a D/s relationship, for example SM practise (if involved).
Finally, it should also be bourne in mind when considering potential Masters or slaves that Internal Enslavement is necessarily built while living together, and this will involve the submissive joining the dominant's household at some point.
Tanos writes: "It is considerably easier to evaluate genuine compatibility if dominant and submissive can spend time together regularly before moving - for instance, spending every weekend at one house or the other, or spending an extended period of "everyday" time together (eg a few weeks, and not just a holiday.) "
For this reason, there is often a risk associated with starting a long-distance relationship in the hope that it will lead to enslavement, since you may not be able to fully evaluate whether you are compatible before it is time to live together if the relationship is to progress.
In this context I would now like to mention some unplesant things that occur in too many long distance relationships that came into existence by online contact.
2. Unhealthy conditions - example: Myths used to deceive submissives
(source of info: http://www.enslavement.org.uk)
a) Online training
Online training is the most common distraction from a genuine search for M/s. A number of men with no intention and/or no talent of establishing enslavement seek to attract women with a genuine need for an M/s relationship.
One ploy is to offer some form of online training which is claimed to increase the submissive's attractiveness to potential Masters. Online training can lead to periods of short term dominance, which go some way to satisfying this need in some submissive women.
However, because submissives always retain final control in online submission (by withdrawing if necessary) they are ultimately unsatisfying - in particular, Reactance cannot normally be overcome if submissives are expected to "dominate themselves" into obedience.
b) Formal Mentoring
Formal Mentoring is often a more sophisticated variant of the Online Training ploy, and isn't limited to online environments.
There have been respectable traditions of mentoring in some parts of BDSM's history (in particular, the Old Guard Leather subculture among gay men up to the mid 1970's).
However, it is commonly used in online communities to enable dominants to obtain committed submission without taking any responsibility, and without making clear their motivation.
In particular, mentoring is frequently portrayed as some form of public service that the dominant does to "give back to the Lifestyle", and in which he will train the submissive in some way, encourage her to explore her self and filter out unsuitable potential Masters for her.
Tanos clearly states on http://www.enslavement.org.uk/:
"Although I do agree that would-be slaves can learn some useful things in relationships of submission outside of Enslavement, I believe the true motivations of all involved should be made clear from the start. For dominants, this will normally include their desire to control, understand and be served by submissives, and such relationships may be better viewed as limited Service with opportunities to learn, rather than purely as Mentoring." (cited from
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
I would like to underline "DESIRE TO CONTROL".
If a self-proclaimed Master has no deep desire, even need, to control, then an M/s relationship cannot work longterm. And with desire and need there come up the question for TALENT.
Is the "Master" willing and able to invest the great efforts it takes to take control?
Le's look at the sub: Des he/she have the need to be in control? Ad is he/she able to truly cope with control loss and enjoying it? It comes down to the question if the sub is what Tanos calls "a natural slave" that has another way to experience and deal with reactance than other people have. evertheless, in most cases, the best source of guidance for an inexperienced female submissive is usually a circle of other submissive friends with similar needs, rather than a dominant. .
c) Secret Training Houses
Let''s see what Tanos wrote about them:
"Secret Training Houses is one of the most suprising myths to persist online, and probably owes its origin to the mysterious slave-training chateau in the "Story of O"."
"Typically, a dominant will claim to be part of a worldwide, underground network of training houses, decry the falling standards in BDSM today compared to the "Old School", "European" or "Formal" standards of his youth (he has been "in the Lifestyle" either exactly 20 or exactly 30 years) and then tell the enthralled submissive that he can tell even through her computer screen that she is good enough for him to introduce into his organisation... " (cited from
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
As these examples may illustrate, it is not at all easy to find a good, well-,matching Dominant or submissive partner that is actually worth investing Yourself into a committed relationship with him/her. But I don't want to cling to the negatives here. Let's see how submission may develop if a sub actually went into good Dominant hands and conditions are set for establishing a well-working longterm D/s relationship up to the bond of M/s, with the submissive being enslaved property of his/her Master/Mistress.
3. Submission in Stages
The initial phase of starting and building on an M/s relationship is a most delicate time: The sub and the Dom might already have a well working D/s bond, but for a Master-slave relationship more is needed. Of course, we hear the question ring on the mind if this all isn't an ideal, a fantasy, also by presenting it as something "different" that requires "more" than the "usual". Something that requires a "diploma", one could think. But in fact it is nothing but about nature. No forcing it makes sense, things should just happen as they naturally fit with people.
There is the apparent contradiction of consensual non-consent: The submissive needs to change from a willing supplicant, seeking eslavement, into a slave held in her Master's possession. One of the pillars of a D/s relationship, as we know, is consent. This implies that a submissive usually has freedoms that have been negotiated. A submissive can say no and leave a D/s relationship, for example. A submissive can always safe-word.
Now, when a submissive becomes a Master's possession as His/Her enslaved property, there potentially is a tension between the freedoms the submissive still has and the authority the Master needs to progressively acquire. uthority that is also grounded in a Master's/Mistresse's need for control. control He/She will take from the slave and simply use as He/She pleases, let's hope responsibly. An authority of the Master/Mistress that induces the sub seeking enslavement to "consent to nonconsent", so to speak. A power that lets the sub turn over his/her powers and control to the Master/Mistress completely, becoming His/Her property that is being cared for and that is being decided on.
.
Now, what is so diffcult about it? Progress can be halted and the Master's authority undermined by a reactive submissive selectively vetoing his decisions to prove to herself she is still free. Which is in fact the reason why "Total Power Exchange" seems to remain a matter of fantasy and ideals, not appearing apt to withstand the reality of relationships. And it is a
very natural thing, nothing to be criticized or despised as trait of the "less developed form" of submission. In fact, such inner rebellion against a Dom's command could be rooted in the antropological need for freedom and as such is not to be judged negatively. It is about being human.
Reactance, the emotional reaction towards restriction of freedom, helps us reflect when we are in unsafe situations and thank God this natural mechanism cannot be submerged by any external control. It is up to the subject how to act if reactance is felt.
If i felt uncomfortable with a command of my Dominant and felt reactance, but nevertheless did it because it is His will and I were eager to please Him, it is likely that it at the same time fulfilled a deep need within me to be controlled and to feel the bliss as soon as i got over the reactance peak.
"Submission in Stages" is a model that can help with the transition of the sub, being in relationship with the Dominant and still having several things of herself and some freedoms, to an enslaved sub/slave that is owned posession of a Master, having turned over the control/power into the hopefully capable hands and braincells and heart of the Master (--> Power Exchange). To put in a nutshell, it is as if the Dominant was cutting the big cake that we call "Total Power Exchange" (full enslavement) into smaller pieces, then feeding them to the sub bit by bit, so that the sub can have time to get used to the new aspects in the nature of their M/s relationship and have the chance to consent to each of these bits individually.
Tanos writes: "In this approach, the dominant lays out stages of increasing authority transfer which the submissive consents to as her trust increases. For example, one stage might give the dominant authority to require domestic service, a respectful attitude and control over what the submissive wears, but exclude the right to demand sexual access, control over finances, choice of job, where she lives etc." (cited from http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
So you could say, this all happens prior to slavery, as this "cake feeding" period is a phase of voluntary submission, and the sub always has the right to consent or not consent to each of the single "cake pieces". During this phase it is always clear how far the dominant's authority is guaranteed; the submissive retains reassuring control over aspects of her life which she still feels she cannot give up; progress is made at her pace; but the path is still defined by the Dominant. Submission in Stages can either be agreed verbally or by written agreements or even with formal contracts.
Such "voluntary submission" can also be described as "service", and "submitting and being in service to a Dominant" is different to "Being property of a Dominant". During the "Submission in stages" phase we have a service D/s relationship, not yet achieved enslavement and not yet achieved the sub's status as possession of the Dominant. "However, we should stress that the Internal Enslavement process will already have begun right from a supplicant's first meeting, by building trust and opening up the submissive's Self to the dominant." (Tanos, cited from
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/)
"The "emotional" acceptance of the dominant's authority will usually be deeper than the sub's "rational" acceptance during this phase - that is, there may be aspects of her life which she does not yet think she could lose control over; but if confronted by the dominant taking control of them, she discovers she can in fact accept it." (Tanos)
I call this phase when the sub is starting to feel alignment of the will of the Dominant with her own needs. Such alignment is so to speak the "Vital IT" of any intimate relationship, and without it no relationship is going to work well longterm.
Tanos also gives this advice to Dominants who wish to enslave a submissive: "A techinique like Submission in Stages can yield more reliable and quicker results than a trial and error process of the dominant continually testing how far his authority extends, since the errors continually undermine trust and authority."
So, what follows "Submission in Stages", if it has gone on successfully and led to ENJOYMENT and inner alignment and contentment for both, the potential Master of the potential slave?
Final stage: The sub accepts the dominant's authority over all aspects of her life, and confirms her desire to become his slave. This can happen after some weeks, and with other submissives craving enslavement, after some months of D/s relationship with the prospective Master. With this Consent to Enslavement in place, the work of building her emotional acceptance of her slavery can proceed.
So, to come to an end here, let me put a Dominant's main task in words if He/She dreamt of enslaving a submissive and becoming his/her owner:
"BUILDING THE SUBMISSIVE'S EMOTIONAL ACCEPTANCE OF HIS/HER SLAVERY"
written by Mirjam Munro, December 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Reactance (by mirjam)
According to an essay on the Internal Enslavement website (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/) a "natural slave" shows a lower level of reactance and another way of dealing with it than people who do not have this trait.
What is reactance?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_%28psychology%29
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance
In November 2011 i wrote the following text about reactance, what it means and how it plays out for me in the context of D/s. I hope for many of You sharing Your thoughts and experiences on this interesting topic as well.
"To me, reactance is a feeling of rebellion against restriction. It is a positive thing, cause without it, i might not have the reflectivity and emotional energy to fight if my freedom was restricted against my will, this means non consentually. An example: When I get too many tasks put on my shoulders by my boss at work and that do not fit with my usual job role, I feel reactance.
Reactance is something that each human feels in every day life, in many areas. Reactance belongs to the traits of being human, and this is no surprise as freedm is a high good for mankind.
Now, in my D/s relationship, I enjoy being restricted by my Master. I feel much less reactance when He restricts my freedom and I even crave it. It puts me in mental bliss . I want to be controlled by my Master. The big difference to what I described before is: This all happens consentually. I want it to happen. I trust my Master in dealing with me harshly but never beyond my hard limits. I feel safe because I know He utterly respects my hard limits. And this safety makes me feel much less reactance, or even none when He restricts my freedom (physcially or "mentally", by giving orders, by permitting and not permitting certain things and actions etc.)
It happens that I first feel "inner rebellion" against something He does or that He commands me to do. Then I feel reactance. Reactance makes me alert and aware. It switches my mind "ON" and lets me reflect if I am still in the safe zone. And then I feel ... oh yes I am, cause I know my Master is totally trustworthy. I know it from experience. I know it from His eyes, His voice ... I know it from how He deals with me. I feel it in my heart ... and then I push myself to go through it and get beyond the peakpoint of reactance and fall into bliss. Feeling "one" with what is happening, giving in completely, and not feeling any inner resistance or reactance. And I crave this feeling.
I find it interesting that Tanos used reactance to describe the being of a "Natural slave" on the IE Website ... submissives who seems to feel a lower level of reactance when freedom is restricted , and who even seem to crave it and fall into blisswhen they got beyond the peakpoint of reactance are called "natural slaves", according to the article on the IE website.
Last not least: Towards ANYONE that restricted my freedom or tried to restrict it, I would feel a normal level of reactance, i think, and i would fight for restoring my freedom. But towards my SPECIAL ONE, my Master, I react differently ... cause what He does and decides is what I consented to. Cause what He does and decides has proven to be good for me in my experience with Him. And because I feel safe with HIm and trust Him completely.
In all of me that is His,there is no room for reactance, cause rebellion against what He decides and does can only happen in something that is "outside of my Master" and that does not belong to Him. And yes, if i had a non responsible Dominant that would not care for me well enough, then it would be damn good to keep some parts to myself and feel the reactance that could save me and bring me out of a situation and if needed, completely away from such a man.
And yes, thank God we have this mechanism. We need it for reflection, to be able to safeword (reactance makes us aware something is not right) - even with best intentions a responsible Master might fail at times and go too far or catch us in a bad situation. And when a relationship is new ... we damn need reactance to feel in our guts when we don't feel comfortable with a Dominant that might not give us the feeling of safety, that might not be trustworthy, that might even be abusive.
So to me reactance is very positive, and the experience of not feeling it when being with my Master is utterly awesome as well."
(written by mirjam in November 2011)
What is reactance?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_%28psychology%29
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance
In November 2011 i wrote the following text about reactance, what it means and how it plays out for me in the context of D/s. I hope for many of You sharing Your thoughts and experiences on this interesting topic as well.
"To me, reactance is a feeling of rebellion against restriction. It is a positive thing, cause without it, i might not have the reflectivity and emotional energy to fight if my freedom was restricted against my will, this means non consentually. An example: When I get too many tasks put on my shoulders by my boss at work and that do not fit with my usual job role, I feel reactance.
Reactance is something that each human feels in every day life, in many areas. Reactance belongs to the traits of being human, and this is no surprise as freedm is a high good for mankind.
Now, in my D/s relationship, I enjoy being restricted by my Master. I feel much less reactance when He restricts my freedom and I even crave it. It puts me in mental bliss . I want to be controlled by my Master. The big difference to what I described before is: This all happens consentually. I want it to happen. I trust my Master in dealing with me harshly but never beyond my hard limits. I feel safe because I know He utterly respects my hard limits. And this safety makes me feel much less reactance, or even none when He restricts my freedom (physcially or "mentally", by giving orders, by permitting and not permitting certain things and actions etc.)
It happens that I first feel "inner rebellion" against something He does or that He commands me to do. Then I feel reactance. Reactance makes me alert and aware. It switches my mind "ON" and lets me reflect if I am still in the safe zone. And then I feel ... oh yes I am, cause I know my Master is totally trustworthy. I know it from experience. I know it from His eyes, His voice ... I know it from how He deals with me. I feel it in my heart ... and then I push myself to go through it and get beyond the peakpoint of reactance and fall into bliss. Feeling "one" with what is happening, giving in completely, and not feeling any inner resistance or reactance. And I crave this feeling.
I find it interesting that Tanos used reactance to describe the being of a "Natural slave" on the IE Website ... submissives who seems to feel a lower level of reactance when freedom is restricted , and who even seem to crave it and fall into blisswhen they got beyond the peakpoint of reactance are called "natural slaves", according to the article on the IE website.
Last not least: Towards ANYONE that restricted my freedom or tried to restrict it, I would feel a normal level of reactance, i think, and i would fight for restoring my freedom. But towards my SPECIAL ONE, my Master, I react differently ... cause what He does and decides is what I consented to. Cause what He does and decides has proven to be good for me in my experience with Him. And because I feel safe with HIm and trust Him completely.
In all of me that is His,there is no room for reactance, cause rebellion against what He decides and does can only happen in something that is "outside of my Master" and that does not belong to Him. And yes, if i had a non responsible Dominant that would not care for me well enough, then it would be damn good to keep some parts to myself and feel the reactance that could save me and bring me out of a situation and if needed, completely away from such a man.
And yes, thank God we have this mechanism. We need it for reflection, to be able to safeword (reactance makes us aware something is not right) - even with best intentions a responsible Master might fail at times and go too far or catch us in a bad situation. And when a relationship is new ... we damn need reactance to feel in our guts when we don't feel comfortable with a Dominant that might not give us the feeling of safety, that might not be trustworthy, that might even be abusive.
So to me reactance is very positive, and the experience of not feeling it when being with my Master is utterly awesome as well."
(written by mirjam in November 2011)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
D/s Academy Events ~ Week: 12/05 - 12/11/2011 ~
1. Monday 12/05/2011
1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
type of event: Discussion (text)
subject: TBD
host: Genny Clary
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
2. TUESDAY 12/06/2011
2.1 time: time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
subject: TBD
host: Zano Irata
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
3. WEDNESDAY 12/07/2011
3.1 time: 10 am SLT (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
type of event: submissive field trip (no Dom/mes allowed)
host: Jaymie Melody
Meeting point: Welcome Area, D/s Academy, Respect
3.2 time: noon SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
type of event: dance party
motto: "TGIF Wednesday"
host: MarinJenn Gothly
location: Party Room of the Castle, D/s academy, Respect
4. THURSDAY 12/08/2011
no scheduled event
5. FRIDAY 12/09/2011
5.1 time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
type of event: Munch (voice/text)
subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends
host: D/s Academy staff
location: Welcome Area, D/s academy, Respect
6. SATURDAY 12/10/2011
6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: Zano Irata
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
7. SUNDAY 12/11/2011
7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: TBD
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
Have a great and kinky week !
1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
type of event: Discussion (text)
subject: TBD
host: Genny Clary
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
2. TUESDAY 12/06/2011
2.1 time: time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
subject: TBD
host: Zano Irata
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
3. WEDNESDAY 12/07/2011
3.1 time: 10 am SLT (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
type of event: submissive field trip (no Dom/mes allowed)
host: Jaymie Melody
Meeting point: Welcome Area, D/s Academy, Respect
3.2 time: noon SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
type of event: dance party
motto: "TGIF Wednesday"
host: MarinJenn Gothly
location: Party Room of the Castle, D/s academy, Respect
4. THURSDAY 12/08/2011
no scheduled event
5. FRIDAY 12/09/2011
5.1 time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
type of event: Munch (voice/text)
subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends
host: D/s Academy staff
location: Welcome Area, D/s academy, Respect
6. SATURDAY 12/10/2011
6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: Zano Irata
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
7. SUNDAY 12/11/2011
7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
subject: TBD
host: TBD
location: Castle Library, D/s academy, Respect
Have a great and kinky week !
Eyes on the SIM: It has snowed! Ice-skating fun waiting! (by mirjam)
 |
| Have some iceskating fun on the SIM Respect and then a warm comfy cuddle at the fire in the snowcave to warm up! |
Storytime #1 - The pretty princess and the wicked woodsman (a teamwork product)
- part 1 of a BDSM kidnap story invented by D/s academy members -
(many thanks to Eclipso for the adaption and smoothing up the language)
This story came into existance at the BDSM story telling parties in June 2008, held at the D/s academy. One person started inventing one or more sentences of the story and then the next person continued the story adding their sentence(s) and so on.
***
It was a cool, midsummer morning, when the woodsman heard a woman's cries coming from close by. He walked to where he thought the sound had come and stood quietly in the bushes, rubbing his eyes painfully in disbelief of what he saw. There she was, sitting on a tree stem next to the worn forest path, dirtied and pathetic, the same princess he had watched grow from child to woman. He watched in silence, remembering the nights he had lain awake on his bare straw mattress, thinking of her, thinking of how she had shunned him, never noticing him or responding to his polite "hellos", so far out of reach, so unattainable in every way. She looked miserable, tears streaming down her face, leaving streaks on her already muddied cheeks. He stares at her, wondering what could place her in such disarray, make her so strange to his sight, almost unrecognizable.
The princess wondered at her misfortune. How could her father, the king, want her to marry such an ugly, old man, with such an unkind disposition, not only ugly but painful to look upon. "Just because he is rich" she mumbled into the morning air "does not mean that I should marry that old frog, no matter what father wants". It was only when a shiver crawled over her skin that she realized dawn had broken, and wore only a light dress, which had now been covered in stains from her trek into the woods. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks, following the familiar path to her chin, and falling silently on to her bodice.
The woodsman listened to her quiet sobs, and watched in fascination as the tears run in a small river to her already wet breast. Her sobs growing so loud, that his approach went unnoticed. Within inches of her, her scent flares against his nostrils, a mixture of sweat, earth and the musky scent of womanhood. Before he is even aware of his intentions, he finds himself reaching out to touch her quivering shoulder. He feels her tense, and then jump from under his grasp, stumbling up from her seat onto some broken twigs. She spins around to face him, placing her hand to her breast. He watches as recognition enters her eyes, and the fear oozes from her. "You scared me", she whispers delicately. He again approaches her, this time placing both hands upon her shoulders, running them gently down her sides to take her hands in his. He becomes angered as she yanks her hands from his, fear flashing in her eyes once more. “She thinks she's better than me” he thinks, “I'll show her better”. He reaches out, grabbing her bye the wrist, none to gentle this time, and turns pulling her behind him as he strides away back in to the woods.
The princess's shoulder screeches at the sudden jerk of being pulled by the large woodsman, her wrist instantly chaffing under his grasp, forced to follow him, or be dragged across the forest floor. The princess has to run to match his arduous pace. “Why has he grabbed me?” She thinks. Why is he doing this? A memory flashes behind her eyes, her mother's face, her mother's words, screaming through her brain, "Be careful in the forest little one, it is easy for a young woman to lose her way there". She does not know what these words mean, but up ahead, she sees a cottage, although to call it that would be generous, and their path leads right to its door.
The woodsman opens the door, and he tosses the princess inside and down to the floor, her body crashing against the hard wooden walls. He peers down at her, his anger rising fresh in his mind. "You have ignored me in the past, but as of today Princess, that is a privilege you no longer have".
-- TO BE CONTINUED :-) --
(many thanks to Eclipso for the adaption and smoothing up the language)
This story came into existance at the BDSM story telling parties in June 2008, held at the D/s academy. One person started inventing one or more sentences of the story and then the next person continued the story adding their sentence(s) and so on.
***
It was a cool, midsummer morning, when the woodsman heard a woman's cries coming from close by. He walked to where he thought the sound had come and stood quietly in the bushes, rubbing his eyes painfully in disbelief of what he saw. There she was, sitting on a tree stem next to the worn forest path, dirtied and pathetic, the same princess he had watched grow from child to woman. He watched in silence, remembering the nights he had lain awake on his bare straw mattress, thinking of her, thinking of how she had shunned him, never noticing him or responding to his polite "hellos", so far out of reach, so unattainable in every way. She looked miserable, tears streaming down her face, leaving streaks on her already muddied cheeks. He stares at her, wondering what could place her in such disarray, make her so strange to his sight, almost unrecognizable.
The princess wondered at her misfortune. How could her father, the king, want her to marry such an ugly, old man, with such an unkind disposition, not only ugly but painful to look upon. "Just because he is rich" she mumbled into the morning air "does not mean that I should marry that old frog, no matter what father wants". It was only when a shiver crawled over her skin that she realized dawn had broken, and wore only a light dress, which had now been covered in stains from her trek into the woods. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks, following the familiar path to her chin, and falling silently on to her bodice.
The woodsman listened to her quiet sobs, and watched in fascination as the tears run in a small river to her already wet breast. Her sobs growing so loud, that his approach went unnoticed. Within inches of her, her scent flares against his nostrils, a mixture of sweat, earth and the musky scent of womanhood. Before he is even aware of his intentions, he finds himself reaching out to touch her quivering shoulder. He feels her tense, and then jump from under his grasp, stumbling up from her seat onto some broken twigs. She spins around to face him, placing her hand to her breast. He watches as recognition enters her eyes, and the fear oozes from her. "You scared me", she whispers delicately. He again approaches her, this time placing both hands upon her shoulders, running them gently down her sides to take her hands in his. He becomes angered as she yanks her hands from his, fear flashing in her eyes once more. “She thinks she's better than me” he thinks, “I'll show her better”. He reaches out, grabbing her bye the wrist, none to gentle this time, and turns pulling her behind him as he strides away back in to the woods.
The princess's shoulder screeches at the sudden jerk of being pulled by the large woodsman, her wrist instantly chaffing under his grasp, forced to follow him, or be dragged across the forest floor. The princess has to run to match his arduous pace. “Why has he grabbed me?” She thinks. Why is he doing this? A memory flashes behind her eyes, her mother's face, her mother's words, screaming through her brain, "Be careful in the forest little one, it is easy for a young woman to lose her way there". She does not know what these words mean, but up ahead, she sees a cottage, although to call it that would be generous, and their path leads right to its door.
The woodsman opens the door, and he tosses the princess inside and down to the floor, her body crashing against the hard wooden walls. He peers down at her, his anger rising fresh in his mind. "You have ignored me in the past, but as of today Princess, that is a privilege you no longer have".
-- TO BE CONTINUED :-) --
Friday, December 2, 2011
Fantasy Vs Reality in BDSM (by Zano)
We all fantasise about our BDSM relationships; how good the sex will be and how tightly we will control/or be controlled. Fantasies as we all know are more meaningful than dreams. Dreams are the subconscious (no pun intended) taking control, whereas with a fantasy we actively shape it and mould it to fit our desires. As such they are important indicators of what we really desire.
However the Real World has a nasty habit of getting in the way; there are kids or pets to feed, meals to cook, houses to clean and dishes to wash. Most of us have jobs and they have to take priority so how can we make things work. Also fantasies are what we wish and we have to be care not to make our reality seem like a fantasy as reality has that nasty habit of hitting us on the nose when we look away.
Imagine; a submissive wants to be caged all of the time. Well letting them out to exercise can easily be part of the fantasy as would toilet breaks. So how easy is it to be in a cage when friends or family come around? Well the cage does not have to be in the sitting room and if so perhaps all your friends and family are kinky so it does not matter. Also being caged in another room with the possibility of discovery may be the excitement of it. However how comfortable will you feel when your Dominant is in the next room? What if they become suddenly ill? A friend was caged once and nothing went wrong. However she did not find her fantasy as fun as she wished.
Spanking in public; is that a turn on or a turn-off for you? Well you may be breaking the law. Assault possibly but you would argue it was consensual. Non-consensual hand-holding is technically an assault in the UK. If your the bottom is bare you may be committing an act of indecency or the catch-all charge in Scotland ‘Breach of the peace’. Consensual behaviour is not a defence for this.
How about something harmless. Being led though the streets by a leash. It is probably not illegal. But we have to think how can cope with being seen and recognised. For some it could have career problems.
So the key issues are how much do we need our fantasies in BDSM and how far can we compromise them? Any thoughts or actual fantasies that you did in RL and what happened. You can tell us we won’t spread it around.......very far.
However the Real World has a nasty habit of getting in the way; there are kids or pets to feed, meals to cook, houses to clean and dishes to wash. Most of us have jobs and they have to take priority so how can we make things work. Also fantasies are what we wish and we have to be care not to make our reality seem like a fantasy as reality has that nasty habit of hitting us on the nose when we look away.
Imagine; a submissive wants to be caged all of the time. Well letting them out to exercise can easily be part of the fantasy as would toilet breaks. So how easy is it to be in a cage when friends or family come around? Well the cage does not have to be in the sitting room and if so perhaps all your friends and family are kinky so it does not matter. Also being caged in another room with the possibility of discovery may be the excitement of it. However how comfortable will you feel when your Dominant is in the next room? What if they become suddenly ill? A friend was caged once and nothing went wrong. However she did not find her fantasy as fun as she wished.
Spanking in public; is that a turn on or a turn-off for you? Well you may be breaking the law. Assault possibly but you would argue it was consensual. Non-consensual hand-holding is technically an assault in the UK. If your the bottom is bare you may be committing an act of indecency or the catch-all charge in Scotland ‘Breach of the peace’. Consensual behaviour is not a defence for this.
How about something harmless. Being led though the streets by a leash. It is probably not illegal. But we have to think how can cope with being seen and recognised. For some it could have career problems.
So the key issues are how much do we need our fantasies in BDSM and how far can we compromise them? Any thoughts or actual fantasies that you did in RL and what happened. You can tell us we won’t spread it around.......very far.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)