Question 4 (By estos)

Yeh, Yeh, Yeh I know I've not posted for a while.

I've been busy.

Between Julala's (PGFR4), Ryn, Meadow, Zano, Mirjam and Buster's discussions, and diving into relationships.. how much time am supposed to have to reflect?

Zano summed up well in his comment on Question 3 back in 2012:

Zano Irata said...

Self-contemplation is probably a good thing if you don't take the results too seriously.

You are right; you are a Dom if the submissive you are domming sees you as one. However just because another submissive does not see that in you, it does not make you less you of Dom.

So perhaps "I am a Dom, therefore I am a Dom".

That is a much better reason for considering youself one than attending classes. But please do still come to class, I am sure teacher will have a gold star to stick in your homework at the end of term!

December 4, 2012 at 7:13 AM

SO TRUE!


 But see I still have questions:

Why are BDSM classes even more popular now then ever?

There must be a reason why the PGFR4's voice has such an effect on Monday nights, at 12pm, at the temple of discussion.  What is it?

How can you make up for lack of non verbal communication in SL text interactions?

Why has it taken MarinJenn so long to return, and how can we stop her from leaving again?

---

I understand that not everyone can or wants to leave a comment, but tap me an IM online... I really want hear your views.  :)

ps.  I read the following late on Saturday...

Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced | Shapely Prose

Thank the lord for profiles and IM in SL!

Even though, we're not out the woods yet, chaps:

http://capturedconfessions.blogspot.co.uk/2011/02/introducing-dom-and-dommer-series.html

Change and Development - Where I am Led (by Julala)

We like to think that as we grow we develop (whether in a D/s relationship, or just simply as people).  With growth and development comes change.....and change can be a wonderful thing....and change can be a terrifying thing.

In D/s we often hear talk of "developing one's submissive", teaching them, guiding them and encouraging personal growth.  In reality of course it is both Dominant and submissive that will develop and grow as their relationship also grows and develops and changes.  In fact I've described of it as balancing jelly in your hands (not jam you Amercicans, jelly...like party jelly)...they bend and flow and wobble and twist.  Its fluid, always moving.  You need to move with it or it may just fall.  Being prepared for changes might help to accept them when they come.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 

― Lao Tzu

Change is inevitable and yet we often resist it.  In relationships, as with anything, change happens, good and bad.  

Sometimes a change is desired.  Small changes can of course be negotiated and in a D/s relationship there should be opportunity for discussions around change.  If a contract is used then it will need to be reviewed as the relationship and people develop.  Limits may change, boundaries, desires, wants and needs will change.  Failing to recognise or consider the changes that will inevitably happen can lead to disappointment, resentment or discontent.

We talked before about growth and how if growth happens within a relationship there is always the possibility that one partner of the relationship will out grow the other.  Sometimes the need for change will result in the end of the relationship or the end of the D/s dynamic - I have heard several times of couples changing from being in a D/s relationship to a vanilla arrangement.....and vice versa of course.  Difficulties arise when one person is ready for change and the other is not.

“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them.”

― Andy Warhol

It can be scary when change happens, none more so when the change is sudden.  Anyone that has experienced the death of a loved one, a catastrophic incident, lost a job, or received an unwanted diagnoses will know how change can grip you by the throat.

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”

― Mary Shelley

Whether a change is good or bad one thing is for sure....change can not be stopped.  Like King Canute holding back the waves....holding up our hands will not stop the inevitable.

People change, communities change, relationships change.  They develop.

Please do come and share your thought on change and development on Monday (22nd July) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome. Everyone welcome.

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

Empowerment - Where I am Led (by Julala)

Empowerment....this is an interesting one.

What does empowerment actually mean?  Well as usual in the things we discuss in D/s this word "empowerment" has so many different definitions you could write a list as long as your arm and none would be the same.  Empowerment is actually an old word that has been given new meanings throughout modern history.

To be honest....On the face of it, I have a problem with using the word empowered and empowerment being used in the context of D/s [usual with submissives] and I will explain why.

This is one definition of empowerment offered by [cough] wikipedia:

Sociological empowerment often addresses members of groups that social discrimination processes have excluded from decision-making processes through - for example - discrimination based on disability, race, ethnicity, religion, or gender. Empowerment as a methodology is often associated with feminism.

"Marginalized" refers to the overt or covert trends within societies whereby those perceived as lacking desirable traits or deviating from the group norms tend to be excluded by wider society and ostracized as undesirables.

Sometimes groups are marginalized by society at large, but governments are often unwitting or enthusiastic participants. This Act made it illegal to restrict access to schools and public places based on race. Equal opportunity laws which actively oppose such marginalization, allow increased empowerment to occur. They are also a symptom of minorities' and women's empowerment through lobbying. 

Marginalized people who lack self-sufficiency become, at a minimum, dependent on charity, or welfare. They lose their self-confidence because they cannot be fully self-supporting. The opportunities denied them also deprive them of the pride of accomplishment which others, who have those opportunities, can develop for themselves. This in turn can lead to psychological, social and even mental health problems. 

Empowerment is then the process of obtaining these basic opportunities for marginalized people, either directly by those people, or through the help of non-marginalized others who share their own access to these opportunities. It also includes actively thwarting attempts to deny those opportunities. Empowerment also includes encouraging, and developing the skills for, self-sufficiency, with a focus on eliminating the future need for charity or welfare in the individuals of the group. This process can be difficult to start and to implement effectively.

O.o

Quite frankly, as a submissive, I feel a tad offended to think that I should be an "empowered submissive".  Because that implies that I am marginalised, not self-sufficient and in need of help to achieve things that others can achieve normally.  Um...the phrase in my mind begins with "F" and ends in "that!"

However.....

Have you noticed how quickly people become offended in the D/s and BDSM scene?  Did you see how I became offended by just one definition of a simple word?

Let's stop there....and input some more data to the computational bwain.

/end emotional response
/start open mind and wider understanding

Let us consider some basic definitions:

em·pow·er (m-pour)
tr.v. em·pow·ered, em·pow·er·ing, em·pow·ers
1. To invest with power, especially legal power or official authority.
2. To equip or supply with an ability; enable:

or

[with object and infinitive]

1. give (someone) the authority or power to do something:members are empowered to audit the accounts of limited companies
2. [with object] make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their right

To invest with power especially authority. Hmmm....wait a minute....this sounds like something that that might fit within the Power Exchange context.

To equip or supply with an ability....yes...we value learning and growth as part of any relationship.....

To make someone stronger and more confident....ok...I can see how that could work in D/s for both Dominant and submissive....

I often find when I am faced with terminology and semantics in D/s and BDSM in general - a little reflection on literary terms can sometimes help (not always).  Over the years people and communities adapt definitions, create new definitions, and then often these new definitions are thrown around with a sense of authenticity.  I see this a lot in BDSM and wider kink communities.  Actually this happens everywhere.

My thoughts are this: empowerment can be achieved by seeking information, gathering evidence and making informed decisions and opinions.  For me....empowerment is something that is equally gained from oneself, as much as from any Dominant, submissive, community, mentor or friend.

Also, I believe that empowerment can be found as much in acceptance, patience, compassion and understanding as it can in learning, change, strength and confidence.  Consider this and read an interesting writing by RavenK (Fetlife login required).

So...your thoughts on empowerment.  Please do come and share on Monday (15th July) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome. Everyone welcome.

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

Listen....just listen - Where I am Led (by Julala)

How often do we listen.....truly listen?

“People love to talk but hate to listen. Listening is not merely not talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us. You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.” 

― Alice Duer Miller

We talk about communication being vitally important in D/s but in order for communication to work there has to be one person giving a message and another listening.  As humans we are often very good at disguising our messages and even better at missing the messages given by others.  Sometimes of course we just don't want to hear and so we choose to not listen.  At other times we are so preoccupied with other things that the message flies by without our notice.  It is not just a D/s relationship that requires communication....it is every relationship.  We want to be heard.  We want to be understood.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

― Ralph G. Nichols

In D/s though, if one doesn't listen there can be consequences that differ from any other relationship.  If a Dom/me does not listen to their sub during play - listen to their words, their breathing, their body language (listening isn't exclusive to words) - then injury, physical or emotional damage or even death could occur.  

If a sub does not listen to the instructions given by their Dom/me then mistakes are made and consequences met, whether that be disappointment, punishment or both.

In the stereotypical D/s relationships it is seen that the Dom/me imparts knowledge to the sub and the sub listens, is guided, and learns.  However, it is a wise Dom/me who will accept that their sub also may have wisdom to share and is not afraid to listen to it.

“The humble listen to their brothers and sisters because they assume they have something to learn. They are open to correction, and they become wiser through it.”

― Thomas Dubay

Our community offers such a wealth of knowledge, experience and a wonder array of anecdotes.  Some funny, some quite awful, some just everything we want to hear.  Sometimes of course the messages that come from others are not what they seem and for those coming into D/s it is a mass of contradiction and a minefield of information good and bad.  We have talked before about mutual validation, people inventing false credibility for themselves and those that make unsupported claims and tales.  So as important as it is to listen, it is also incredibly important to listen wider than the voice that is speaking directly to you. 

D/s has a huge variety of different definitions, protocols, rituals, and stories.  You'll hear them all - be careful which you choose to listen to - be open - do not restrict your listening to one or two sources.  Listen widely.  

Sometimes the one we listen to the least is our self.  Your intuition was screaming at you - that voice in the back of you mind, the feeling in your stomach, the weight on your chest, the worry in your heart - it was telling you all along what you now know to be true....and yet you ignored it.  You didn't listen.  We've all been there - I freely admit to ignoring the signs around me sometimes, usually because they tell what I don't want to hear.  

Listen.  Listen with your ears, with your eyes, with your heart and your gut.  

Please do join us on Monday (8th July) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome. Everyone welcome.

These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.

A message to S-types- what you REALLY need to know (repost)

Repost from Fetlife that I thought was rather good and worth sharing.

Shared with permission.

A message to S-types- what you REALLY need to know

Okay - So I'm writing this because- well frankly because over the years I've heard all the "community" party lines and dogma and it seems to leave a lot out.

As a slave (who used to identify as a submissive) I was new at one time (yes really!!) and when I came into the lifestyle I was all wide doe eyes, excitement and healthy dose of New York caution.

I was told things by people who had been around for a long time. Things that sounded okay I guess, but when I activated my spidey sense (AKA critical thinking) I quickly realized that in an effort to make the lifestyle seem a "safe place to explore" - people were saying things that could make me check my natural adult common sense at the door.

Here's a "things you need to know" guide. A real one. I warn you - it may disillusion you or make this seem a bit more scary. If it does - good - I've done my job.

Safewords are not "safe words"

By this I mean that they will not keep you safe. That's your job. They are not words of power, talismans or magical freeze points. They only work as a communication device if the person you're playing with is trustworthy and respects boundaries. If not they have no power.

There is no "safe place to explore"

Meaning that - everything has risks. Everything. Every place has risks. If you came into this seeking a place where you can be like a kid in a candy store without potential dangers - this is DEFINITELY not it. It is your responsibility to keep your wits about you.

No group or event is completely safe

No group leader can 100% guarantee the safety of their group. Everyone does the best they can to keep a look out for predators and to prevent incidents from happening on their premises or at their parties. However, if you choose to play with someone you assume the risk. If you choose to go somewhere private to play with someone you met at the party- you likewise are choosing to be alone with a stranger.

Everyone has their OWN reason for being here and their own definition of terms

When someone says "Dom's do this..." or "All good subs do this..." - that is just their perspective. There are MANY perspectives. Many definitions of terms. Everyone that says they're a Dominant isn't the Dominant for YOU. We aren't all here because we like the same things. You may want to "play" and mean a light flogging. The sadist next to you might mean extreme bondage and fear play. Ask questions. Get clarity. DO NOT Assume.

There are no shake-N-bake, just add water - perfect M/s or D/s relationships

Knowing you are submissive and you desire a Dominant provides verbiage on desires that in the mainstream world would be challenging to articulate. It does not create an instant relationship. You still have to build that the old fashioned way. Talking. Not playing. Not sexing. Talking. Talking. Talking and did I mention Talking? If it helps - know that Master and I talked for 6 months before we had sex. 8 months before a collar of consideration and 2 years after that for a permanent collar. Somethings take time. 50 shades of gray is not reality.

PLEASE treat strangers as strangers

If you wouldn't instantly go home with someone you met at a bar - do not go home with someone you met at a party. It's unwise.

This is a culture or a confederation- not a community

We aren't all under one leader. We have no ability to police ourselves outside of the City or State Police and Prosecution. If you look at this through the lens of culture your expectations shift a bit. No culture is without it's jerks and ne'er-do-wells. No culture is without it's criminals and people of questionable intent. Every culture has people you can trust and not. When you visit a new culture you learn about it, you hopefully are cautious. Don't assume this is a kinky pre-school where the "adults" (or Leaders) will take care of you and make everything safe for you.

Beware of Dirty Old (or Young) Men (or Women)

I see this a lot. Some of the people who run about yelling "predator! predator!" are merely trying to run interference against potential competitors-AKA cock-blocking. If you're new - you're attractive. Especially if you're female and young. Isn't this true in the mainstream (AKA Vanilla) arena as well?? One of the easiest ways to win your "trust" is to be your knight in shining armor. Be aware of this tactic. People do it because - well frankly - it works. EVERYONE isn't using this tactic. Some people are really trying to be helpful. Everyone isn't. You get to figure out who is who. Just like in real life.

This IS real life

Because I have adult children who LOVE RPG I have begun to understand their downside. It is easy to treat this like a RPG - when you play - you don't REALLY die when you get hit. You don't REALLY experience the effects of the spell, gun etc; it's all - play-play. THIS is not THAT. All of your self preservation skills, your wisdom, your maturity, your gut instinct is still needful here. DO NOT check it at the door. You can still have fun and keep your mind turned on.

You are empowered - REALLY!!

Being empowered means you have the authority, power and ability to do something. In this context that something is making your own decisions. This includes saying No, saying Yes, Making choices for yourself (both wise and foolish), and brushing yourself off when you end up with less than desirable outcomes including broken hearts. The ability to do this will serve you well in life.

If you are abused - the Lifestyle can't help you

We aren't therapists, police officers, judges, attorneys (unless we are). If you're out dancing and you leave with someone and that person harms you - you don't go back to the club to tell. You call the police. Do the same thing here. If someone is stalking you - call the police. If someone rapes you, batters you etc; call the police. If you choose NOT TO - I honor that choice and your autonomy in that regard, however that doesn't make the Lifestyle responsible for righting this wrong. We have a means of that. It's called the Law. I will support you if you seek that means and respect your right not to as well.

Vetting and References can help but its not foolproof

I know of people who I consider to be - unstable (and thats being kind) - who would have no problem giving you a good reference from someone else. EVERYONE has their fans and their haters. Recognize this.

Your yes needs to mean something

If you agree to something own that choice. If you don't like what happens, feel icky later, don't wish to experience that again, find that person just doesn't do it for you - cool - no big deal. That doesn't retroactively change your yes into a no. It means you say "no" next time.

Your No needs to mean something

If you don't want to play - say no. If you you dont want to engage , excuse yourself. Don't give mixed signals. Don't give a no that means "convince me".

Drop is a real thing

Drop makes you feel clingy, angry, irritable, hurt, wide-open, scared, confused, turned-on, longing, uncertainty and just a jumble of emotions all at once. Drop can happen the next day - or 3 days later. It depends on you. (usually 24-48 hours typically). What we do causes physiological shifts. Understand this doesn't mean you were traumatized or violated (unless you didn't consent to the activity) - it means you're dropping.

"Ignorantia legis neminem excusat" or "Ignorance of the Law excuses no one"

Applied here it means just because you're new, or a submissive, slave or bottom does not make you not responsible for your choices. You may make some no-so-good-in-retrospect-decisions. That's okay! Learn and move on.

Hopefully this will help you navigate these waters a bit. Stay with a buddy. Use your flotation device. Help yourself before you try to help the person next to you. Buckle up and enjoy your flight.

In submission and surrender to Him,

~slave namaste

www.powerandsurrender.com