Event announcement: Kinky Book Club with Kitten!

A NEW EVENT FORMAT for the D/s academy:
Miss Kitten Kaos is going to do a kinky book club every other Monday!
She wants to start on Monday November 7th at 1 pm SLT with "Venus in Furs".
For Europeans this will be Monday evening 22:00 Uhr.
She wants people to read the book beforehand, at least first half.
Here is the html version of the book (free!) if you like to read:

http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext04/8vnsf10h.htm

The info is also in a notecard giver at the library and welcome area on our SIM in SL.
Hope to see many of You for the BOOK CLUB PREMIERE on November 7th, at 1 pm SLT!

D/s academy events ~ week: 10/31 - 11/06/2011 ~

1.   MONDAY  10/31/2011

1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, Tuesday 3 am CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text)
       subject:  TBD
       host: Genny Clary
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
      

2.   TUESDAY  11/01/2011

2.1 time: time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 8 pm CET)
       type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location: Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
      
2.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe - subs only Discussion/Chat
       subject: TBD
       host: Spankichu Barbecue
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect
        

3.   WEDNESDAY  11/02/2011

3.1 time: 10 am SLT  (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 6 pm CET)
       type of event: submissive field trip (for submissives only!)
       host: Jaymie Melody
       Meeting point:  Welcome Area, D/S Academy, Respect
      
3.2 time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
       type of event:  Beginners lecture
       subject: "Emergency Self Aftercare for Submissives"
       teacher: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Ancient Theatre,  D/s academy, Respect
      

4.   THURSDAY 11/03/2011

4.1 time: 5 pm SLT (7 pm Central, 8 pm Eastern, Friday 1 am CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe - subs only Discussion/Chat
       subject:  "Subspace and aftercare"
       host: kimmie Claridge
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect
             

5.    FRIDAY  11/04/2011

5.1  time:  12 pm SLT  (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 8 pm CET)
       type of event: Munch (voice/text)
       subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends
                    and fellow  lifestylers
       host: Kitten Kaos
       location:  Welcome Area,  D/s academy, Respect
                    

6.   SATURDAY  11/05/2011
 
6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
               
          
7.    SUNDAY 11/06/2011

7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Kaddan Yue
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
     

Have a great and kinky week !
Trinity
~ D/s academy & subs Haven management ~

Eyes on the SIM: The Spooky Spinnin' Special - Halloween Party (by mirjam)

Confessions of a Switch #1 (by Dece)

By: Decembredemetra Resident (Dece)

*~* Confession #1 *~*

It hurts a Switch just as much to be released as it does a submissive.

I hadn't meant to jump right in to such a serious topic, but events as of late have inspired me to bring up this very important point. Switches may have the ability to play both sides of the coin, but this does not make us invincible. If we experience pain as a submissive, it is still just as much of a hurtful experience as if we had solely chosen the role of a submissive. We can't just "go Dommy" and ignore the pain. Just like if we were in a Dominant headspace and were hurt that way, we couldn't just "go subbie" and ignore the pain. I wanted to clear that up before I went into any more detail. I don't know about all Switches, because I have not personally had conversations with every single Switch that exists... but for myself personally, I Switch based on personality and how my personality matches with that person. So if someone whom I view as a Dominant hurts me, I can't just Switch on them and suddenly "feel no pain." We are not indestructible. We are not invincible. We are just like you. We've just chosen a different role.

Now. It should be noted that the next section is NOT seeking pity. I will, at times, resort to personal stories to make a point. That's all the more reason I'm using the story: to make a point. :-)

That being said... here's the story that inspired this confession...

My Master was extremely new to D/s. By extremely new, I mean that He knew it was the kind of relationship I need, and I told Him that He did have a natural air of Dominance about Him, and He agreed to learn from those wiser than Him. That conversation in and of itself was like pulling teeth. He's lived a life up to this point in which He always had to have all the answers... and if He didn't, He had to find them on His own... asking for help made Him feel weak. So for Him to ask others for help in the area of D/s; it wasn't the easiest thing for Him to do, let's put it that way. Anyway, once He started to seek out the help of others, I really sensed Him developing into the kind of Dominant that I could stay with. One very much like my last serious Dominant, over a year ago. Things seemed to fall in place, and He even proposed. Very much out of the blue, but very much a pleasant surprise! An uncanny friendship that sparked last November was coming to a head in a wedding. He had, in theory, welded my collar shut in an indication that I was His. Uncompromisingly. Solely. Always.

Obviously if this post is about release, then something changed. I wish I could tell you what. Unfortunately, my release and the cancellation of our wedding was just as out of the blue as His proposal. I WILL tell you one thing... if you get married in SL, HIRE A WEDDING PLANNER. The only thing worse than planning your own wedding? Tearing it all down by yourself if something like this happens.

Anyway, in my release, could I just retreat into my Dominant headspace and hide from the pain? Could I just simple "go Dommy" and forget about Him and how much of myself I'd given to Him, and how much more I was willing to give as His wife? Unfortunately not. I had to (and still have to) deal with the pain just as submissives do, as if I were a submissive myself. The fact that I am a Switch does not stop me from feeling pain as either of the other roles do, and I think that might be a common misconception about Switches.

So, as it stands... Confession #1: It hurts a Switch just as much to be released as it does a submissive.

In submission, Dominance, service, and love:

Dece

Submission and Reactance (by Meadow)

From Internal Enslavement part 3: “Why is it better for some submissives to be under the rule of a Master and become His property as an owned slave?
Here I am thinking about the human need for self actualization. Each one is more or less striving to become the person that he/she really is and to act one's self out in life. For some submissives it is an aspect of their nature that they need to be under control for fulfillment.
When they are under control of a Dominant they trust in and accept as Master over themselves and their lives, they feel bliss when their personal freedom is restricted.”

This feels correct to me, and a lovely description. The bliss is a positive experience, rather than the absence of negative experiences. The warm luminous fed feeling of being Mastered is separate from the content. The point is not that I need to be controlled in order to define my boundaries, derive my self-worth, accomplish my goals, or even to have a rest after a demanding day, but that being controlled in the context of a submitted relationship is gratifying in itself and fulfils a specific and separate need.

The rest of the above paragraph follows: “They (Natural Slaves) don't feel reactance that other people would feel then their personal freedom is in danger or taken away, and they don't rebel and fight in order to regain their personal freedom.”

Suriya Mistwood pointed out to me something that I think is true . . . that reactance is a phenomenon that happens if the loss of freedom is nonconsensual. Perhaps the emotional fulfilment of consensual submission is not a lack ~ of reactance or anything else ~ but instead, a positive experience deserving of its own specific name. If that were true, then the reason those of us hard-wired for consensual slavery don’t rebel and fight when controlled by our Masters is because our personal freedom has not fundamentally been taken. Quite the contrary.

Thanks for reading!

Meadow
Ryn’s kajira

Structure, Ritual and Protocol (by Mysteri)

Over the course of the last few years, structure, ritual and protocol have become three different entities. Structure is for most relationships, a foundation in which to continue to build upon where ritual has become something of an unsaid rule, and protocol a general sense of ambiance and need that can be directed based on the time and place. I for one, find myself putting myself into a ritualistic pattern without much discussion and it all just seems to fall in line. However, in that, there has been much variation in differences between the ritual, structure and protocol aspects of the relationships.

Structure

The structure of a relationship, especially one of a power exchange is the duty of both the Dominate and the submissive. Most of it created and learned over a course of time to implement and continue to build the foundation in which the relationship will work for those that are involved. Most everything and anything can be the material in which that relationship is built upon. From the standard limits to even the way the submissive grooms herself for him/her, that is established early on and should continue to be re-evaluated as time progresses in order to grow and become stronger. We all know that life throw's us curve balls, family, careers, and even health problems can produce hurdles and if that structure is too rigid, then obviously the hurdle cannot be overcome without watching the structure of the relationship completely collapse.

I was given an analogy years ago that I, to this day, have used when teaching and mentoring those who come to me..."Which is stronger, the Willow or the Oak? The Oak, standing strong with it's unforgiving base and branches will eventually find a force that will over take it, snapping it like a twig and uprooting it's structure, where the Willow, even in the strongest of winds, allows it's base and wisps of branches flow naturally and with some give to survive and see another day." The structure, even though it is strong, must have some give and flow and it can only be built by those who are involved in order to give the strength and the 'give' where is most needed.

Ritual

Dominates are keen to addiction training. Even myself in a course of time, will put the submissive into a ritual in which they feel themselves thinking of me at least once a day or more, depending on that individual. I have put them in a pattern of life that they will learn to hold dear to their hearts and give them a positive element in which they can look forward to. Addiction training is not just a way to stroke the Dominate ego though. I find it carries over quite well in the realm of every day activities and helps give the guidance and yes... even structure, to the submissive in their daily tasks that carry them through a successful and consistent lifestyle.

Dominates and submissives do crave that ritual with their significant other, mostly as it is a means of building a strong bond. There are times where a ritual, no matter how small it is, does get overlooked due to those nasty and uncontrollable situations that arrive invading our time, but again, I refer to the the "Willow and Oak" analogy. Be sure to be able to bend with the needs and timing, and you will survive another day to move forward. The challenge is always finding unusual and creative rituals that will enhance even the oldest of relationships and encourage the growth of the new ones.

Protocol

We hear this term used quite often, and in some circles, they are "High Protocol." Just as our relationships as Master/slave, Dominate/submissive, Top/bottom are not without constraints, protocol is also one that should be implemented in the right setting at the right time. Just as the lifestyle is geared for the people that are in it and there are no definite definition of who does what in each situation, the term "Protocol" I believe can be also seen as relative.

In most circles though, protocol rules and stipulations are something to be learned and enjoyed by those that enjoy them. I, for one, am not always a "High Protocol" individual, and only implement that wish when attending social events that I believe warrant such a standard. For the most part, I believe it is exhausting for both individuals to keep that protocol intensity all the time and expect the either you or your partner to hit the right mind-set. There is a time and place for protocol, no matter how subtle though. The protocol feeds the need of structure and respect that ultimately can be rewarding to both sides of the exchange.

Structure, ritual and protocol all come in balances. Where you might lack in one, might be made up in another, and ultimately when you are unable to act on those three entities, I am absolutely sure that you will find time to make up for it. A ying to your yang for what life has been built on. Some may find where the bad is overwhelming them... their good may come to them in many forms, and where the time with your significant other may not be overwhelmingly abundant, make sure to take advantage of the time you do have. I live life as I am sure others do, it is quality... not quantity.

Until next time... Thanks for reading..

Mysteri

D/s Academy Events ~ week 10/24 - 10/30 2011 ~

Time again for a preview on the D/a Academy events of the coming days, so here is our schedule:

1.   Monday  10/24/2011
1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text)
       subject:  TBD
       host: Genny Clary
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
   
2.   TUESDAY  10/25/2011
2.1 time: time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location: Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect

2.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 am CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe
       subject:  Chat/Discussion for submissives only
       host: TBD
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect

3.   WEDNESDAY  10/26/2011
3.1 time: 10 pm SLT  (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
       type of event: submissive field trip (no Dom/mes allowed, sorry ;-)
       host: Jaymie Melody
       Meeting point:  Welcome Area, D/S Academy, Respect

3.2 time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 8 pm CET)
       type of event:  Beginners lecture
       subject: "Subspace and Aftercare"
       host: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Ancient Theatre,  D/s academy, Respect
  
4.   THURSDAY 10/27/2011
4.1 time: 1 pm SLT  (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Lecture/Class  (text)
       subject: Internal enslavement  - Part 7  "The healthy submissive - part II"
       host: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Ancient Theatre,  D/s academy, Respect

4.2 time: 3 pm SLT (5 pm Central, 6 pm Eastern, 12 pm CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe
       subject:  Chat/Discussion for submissives only
       host: star modan
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect      

5.    FRIDAY  10/28/2011
5.1  time:  12 pm SLT  (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: Munch (voice/text)
       subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends and fellow  lifestylers
       host: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Welcome Area,  D/s academy, Respect           

6.   SATURDAY  10/29/2011
6.1  time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 8 am CET)
       type of event: Halloween Party !!!
       theme: "The D/s Academy's Spooky Spinnin' Special"
       DJ: Agustus Trefoil
       location:  Castle Party Room,  D/s academy, Respect
          
6.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
        
7.    SUNDAY 10/30/2011
7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Kaddan Yue
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
 
Further informations about topics will be announced before each event starts, watch out for group notices !


Trinity

Introduction - Decembre (Dece)

Ohai there! My name is Decembre... Dece for short... though my full in-world name is decembredemetra Resident. There's really no cool story behind my name, like people like to think there is. Honestly, I was looking for names on babynames.com and I found one of their alphabetical listings saying that I could look at names "Decembre - Demetra" and I thought they would be fun to put together. Of course, the 'demetra' part that I was using as a last name will become a moot point here soon. Master and I are getting married!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. (Warning: I do this a lot...)

I started SL on my original face almost 3 years ago (will be 3 years in December, ironically enough), so please don't count me as a noob just because of my age. While I'm not "Class of '04" material or anything, I do still know my way around the grid a bit, and I have at least one friend who will testify to the fact that she would "fail SecondLife" without me. Lol! I just do my best to be helpful. But yes... don't let the born date fool you. I've been around awhile.

I am, admittedly, still a bit new to the D/s and BDSM lifestyle both in SL and in RL. I've been involved in D/s in SL since I started, so only about 3 years... and I spent two of those years thinking I was a submissive. Since the first baby steps I took into RL about a year ago, and the Mentors that I gained about 7 months ago, I have found my true identity in the lifestyle: I am, without a doubt, a Sadomasochistic Switch. Please don't let this scare you. I'm more of a brat than anything else. :-D

With that being said, what I'm hoping to contribute to this blog would be posts that I intend to title "Confessions of a Switch". I tend to try and find a common thread when I'm contributing to a group-run blog, and I feel like this is the insight I can offer to you all... confessions and insights into Switching from a Switch's perspective. I'm hoping that I can be a help and a positive contribution to this space.

Again, my in-world name is decembredemetra Resident. I *love* making new friends, and my IMs are always open... especially as I start to get into posting here, if any of you have any questions, concerns, or just want to chat. I look forward to my posting time here and reading the other contributions from this gifted, educational group of individuals. Thank you so much, Mir, for this opportunity.

In submission, Dominance, service, and love:

Dece

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 4 - "Finding Enslavement part 1 - The Dominance Economy" (by mirjam)

This is the fourth essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "Finding Enslavement" and I am going to adress some of the issues involved in finding a dominant or submissive with which to build an Internal Enslavement (IE) relationship. In the following You can read about the Dominance Economy, statistical data and its consequences for submissives. In the second article om "Findind Enslavement" You can read about places to use for partner search and myths used to deceive submissives online. Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK. 


1. Introduction

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership". When we speak of a "Natural Slave" we mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.

Let us assume a submissive feels that he/she might be a "natural slave" or already knows that he/she is and desires to live in an M/s relationship with a responsible Master/Mistress. Or let us assume the submissive wants to find out if living as slave and property of a Master/Mistress is something that fits with his/her nature and helps him/her to find comfort and fulfillment in life. One might think that finding enslevement is easy as there seem to be so many people out there who embrace this concept, at least by what they say or write in profiles throughout the internet. Yet it is not ... at least it is not easy for a submissive who is interested in Internal Enslavement to find a responsible Master/Mistress that matches well with his/her personality and needs. And this has to do with "The Dominance Economy". Let's read more about this in the following.


2. "The Dominance Economy"

People who have participated in the mainstream BDSM Scene will have noticed that there are far more men than women - online in chatrooms, forums and mailinglists, but also at real-life events like munches and club nights. Tanos collected statistical data on this phenomenon, by doing a survey via the general UK BDSM website "Informed Consent". Over 1200 people participated in the survey that every site member was offered, and 887 of them were male, but only 384 females. By the survey, they also explored the interest of people in dominance and submission. Surprisingly, 50 out of 384 women responded by "ultimate interest" in submission (scale 0-5, 0 no interest at all to 5 very high interest, and together with the ones who said "high interest" in submission they found out that 168 of the 384 female participants in the survey describe themselves as extremely submissive women. While only very few females described themselves as "extremely dominant", around 170 of the participating males saw themselves as "extremely dominant". This is statistically equivalent to the 168 women with the complementary bias towards extreme submission. Consequently, the numbers of males and females who would be seeking relationships between male Masters and female slaves, should at best be roughly equal.

Now, if a man is highly interested in being "extremely dominant" and finding the complementary female to take her as his slave, this does not mean he will be successful with the search and relationship performance. Tanos writes:

"Due to the Master's leading role in the relationship, his competence in managing his and his slave's life plays a central role in its success or failure. Attributes such as experience, responsibility, reliability and knowledge of techniques of Enslavement and aspects of BDSM are highly sought after by submissives looking for Masters." (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/finding)

Corresponding traits are valuable (and indeed common) among female submissives, but they do not seem to be as essential to their desirability as the traits of dominants are. Let us again read Tanos:

"In particular, whereas a totally inexperienced would-be Master would find it difficult to improvise the techniques necessary to establish an M/s relationship; the corresponding inexperienced female submissive can be led and moulded by a competent Master, with her lack of prior knowledge no impediment to learning." (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/finding)

In this context, it also needs to be said that some self.proclaimed male dominants are not seeking long term relationships, despite their claims to the contrary, and are merely manipulating submissives with false promises and fake self-descriptions. If we look at the meaning of all this statistical data that Tanos and colleagues found, we can put it in this nutshell: There are more available female submissives than male dominants with whom a genuine M/s relationship could be started. Tanos sums it up like this:

"This observation leads to the concept of the Dominance Economy, in which real-life, competent dominance is a scarce resource, and this scarcity has negative consequences for both women and men." (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/finding)


3. Consequences of "The Dominance Economy" (according to Tanos - compare http://www.enslavement.org.uk/finding)

a) Female submissives need to invest extra effort to weed out dominants who exaggerate or blatantly lie about their desirability in terms of experience, knowledge, responsibility and even social status and employment.

b) In consequence to a), female submissives may not be able to rely on conventional female social norms of "waiting to be asked", and may need to make the first contact with a desirable dominant. This is something which many female submissives find very hard to do directly, as part of their general reluctance to risk rejection by asking for things. And i may add: It may be even harder towards a Dom who presents his many many years of RL experience ... might make a sub even more reluctant.

c) Not few submissives with a great need to be dominated might likely accept short-term, unhealthy or even abusive D/s relationships.

d) Male dominants must make extra effort to differentiate themselves from the large number of less than honest or clueless competitors. I think many of the dominants reading this can sing a song of this :-).


I hope to have presented a few valuable insights and ideas to You by this short essay, and I am looking forward to writing the second part on "Finding Enslavement" for You soon which will be about various places to use for partner search and myths used to deceive submissives online.


written by Mirjam Munro, October 2011

Introduction - Meadow Theas

Hello, everyone. I'm Meadow. I have enjoyed reading everyone's contribution. I want to thank Mirjam for the honor of author rights here, I will try to live up to it. As others have said, my contributions to this blog are my own views and what is right for me, with the deep realization that others' mileage on all points will almost certainly vary.

I also want to thank Mirjam for the Internal Enslavement essays. They speak to a question I've been pondering a while: what is submission, at its core? There is a great deal of social bandwidth devoted to what submission is not, and I've certainly contributed more than my share to that discussion. So, after one gets past all the things submission isn't, what is left? And is that the same for everyone? I suspect not.

For me, the reality of being submissive is like faith in the Divine. It's a felt state, a passionate charge, a sense of rightness in relationship. It's like sunshine or gravity, real beyond justification or defense. Only afterwards do I go back and try to put words around the experience and understand it intellectually. And for me, part of understanding it intellectually is sorting out what of my emotional experience is healthy submission, and what part is other ~ unrelated but deceptively similar emotional baggage. Perhaps that last distinction is why the whole question is part of my personal path.

I will have more to say on the Internal Enslavement concepts in subsequent posts.

Meadow
Ryn's kajira

Bridging the Gap.. SL to RL relationships (by Mysteri)

There has been so much talk about the idea of how relationships in Second life transition and become part of your real life that I thought giving some element of sanity to the subject might be a good way to start.

We all know that D/s as a whole generally is not a step by step guide to "how to's" or even "why's" when it comes to the participants involved, but become what WE want it to be for us and our needs. Because of that our transition from Second Life to Real life all deviates for our needs.

Long distance relationship are truly a thing that have become more common based on our consistent use of the Internet and the idea that we now no longer use bars, or social clubs to find those like minded individuals, but now we find it easier to bridge not only states, and provinces but you can completely escape the barrier of mountains, oceans, and in some cases language barriers in Second Life. Because of these options that are now open to explore for us curious souls, and even some of us who know what we want, we have been handed an amazing ability to interact in ways that we only dreamed of.

All of these have now continued to bring success stories that I love reading, but also find new and inventive ways of 'bridging' the gap for those of us who wish and seek to take our relationships just the next step further. I have had several long distance relationships in SecondLife, all of them based and otherwise geared toward the D/s lifestyle. Each of them have had their own limitations and because of that, I have learned what has worked for me and what hasn't.  More or less, I look for the qualities that might help me identify them as a good man in the real world based a lot on their actions in SL.

I look for the following qualities:

1. What type of time do they have and current responsibilities do they have to be able to spend the time needed on the relationship? Are they on alot? Do they have current SL responsibilities (jobs/other submissives/slaves etc)?
2. Do they currently have real life experience? This may take some time to get to know, even if you yourself have had real life experience. Just reading books for a newcomer to the lifestyle will not provide them with the answers other than ones we have heard a million times. Ultimately, terminology, passion in their answers and their ability to back up their words is what I look for,
3. What type of communication do they have with you? Is it just SL or do they give you the ability to contact them out of world as well and respond when you need that extra 'touch'?
4. Are their RL goals for a relationship the same as yours? For instance, if you seek to meet in real time, are they able to as well or are they just wishing to have an SL relationship?  In my opinion, this is a crucial question because if you don't have the same goals, then it's kind of a mute point.

I am still astounded at the things that I get to explore with my current partner, and you rarely will see me without him, but it has not been without a life of hard knocks and relatively difficult times and heart breaks.  I can't say that I have not left prior relationships completely in tact, but I did leave them knowing what fits my needs. For anyone who knows me, they also know that I don't turn off the feelings either. Just remember, to be 'released' or 'release' someone it puts you in a transitional state of vulnerability and finding someone to talk to and lean on is such a crucial thing for all of us, Dominate and submissive alike.

D/s Academy events week 10/17 - 10/23 2011

1.   Monday  10/17/2011

1.1 time: 7 pm SLT (9 pm Central, 10 pm Eastern, 4 am CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text)
       subject:  TBD
       host: Genny Clary
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
       
2.   TUESDAY  10/18/2011

2.1 time: time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location: Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
       
2.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 am CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe
       subject:  Chat/Discussion for submissives only
       host: Spankichu Barbecue
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect
        
2.3 time: 4 pm SLT (6 pm Central, 7 pm Eastern, 1 am CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text)
       subject:  TBD
       host: Genny Clary
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
      
3.   WEDNESDAY  10/19/2011

3.1 time: 10 pm SLT  (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
       type of event: submissive field trip (no Dom/mes allowed, sorry ;-)
       host: Jaymie Melody
       Meeting point:  Welcome Area, D/S Academy, Respect
      
3.2 time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 8 pm CET)
       type of event:  Beginners event Q & A
       subject: open forum for any questions on the lifestyle
       host: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Ancient Theatre,  D/s academy, Respect
       
4.   THURSDAY 10/20/2011

4.1 time: 1 pm SLT  (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Lecture/Class  (text)
       subject: Internal enslavement  - Part 7  "The healthy submissive - part II"
       host: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Ancient Theatre,  D/s academy, Respect
      
4.2 time: 5 pm SLT (7 pm Central, 8 pm Eastern, 2 am CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe
       subject:  Chat/Discussion for submissives only
       host: kimmie Claridge
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect
     
5.    FRIDAY  10/21/2011

5.1  time:  12 pm SLT  (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: Munch (voice/text)
       subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends and fellow  lifestylers
       host: Kitten Kaos
       location:  Welcome Area,  D/s academy, Respect
    
6.   SATURDAY  10/22/2011

6.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Zano Irata
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
             
7.    SUNDAY 10/23/2011

7.1 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: TBD
       host: Kaddan Yue
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
      
Have a great and kinky week !
Trinity

Admin info: Who can read and write here?

I made this blog adult ... to be on the safe side, legally. 

Due to this setting, it would not be possible to access the blog as normal user if i had set it to "all people can read" (all who surfed on this website).

So I had to set the blog to "selected readers can read" to make it work ... and this means only registered users that i added per email adress will be able to read the blog. It seems it only works by google accounts.

The registered users to whom i gave author rights will also be able to write new threads. 

All registered users (author or not) will be able to comment on existing threads.

 

I hope this is in the interest of all of You,

mirjam

Family and Friends (by Zano)

In December 2010 we themed our discussions around family and friends. A contributor at Saturday’s discussion (October 2011) mentioned that one of her family and some of her friends knew she was a submissive but that others did not and never would.

This was the class I gave on this topic in December. Being who we are is so important to us as indivuduals that hiding things from those close to us is a big issue which can make our interactions seem false.

This article is largely my own thoughts on the theme, some of which may resound with you too. Please feel free to add your comments below.

Family and friends are the two groups of people we should be closest to. We have no choice about Family although we do not have to like them whereas friends are people we choose for ourselves. But as people into BDSM or the Ds lifestyle how do we share this with them, if that is what we want to do?

I have a number of siblings, quite a few cousins and one surviving Aunt but I am not about to tell them that I have a submissive. There may be things that they have seen about me that would make sense to them, certainly I have been called bossy or even a bully at times by my siblings. This is of course quite unfair but at many moments I have been very determined to have my own way.

Being involved in Ds and BDSM is largely wrapped up with sex in the minds of others. There is quite a lot in that preconception but Ds goes much than sexual activity and covers the entire relationship between two or more individuals. I have no desire to know about the sex lives of my siblings, and none about that of my parents. If I can believe that sex was something that just happened for them on a limited number of occasions then my mental picture of my childhood will be relaxed. Frankly sex is private and even if being voyeuristic only to be shared by those who have consented.

Ds or Ms or whatever you wish to call it is about relationships. In RL vanilla relationships are celebrated; people get married, have civil partnerships and even just live together. The relationship mores make all these things normal. Marriage is basically a civil ceremony, the church part is just an ‘icing on the cake’ for those who want it. Despite western propaganda it has not always been the only way to live. For instance in Scotland a promise before witnesses or even a promise to make a promise before witnesses was enough to make a union legal in the eyes of the law. If you were to Google common law marriage and handfasting you will find reference to this.

Civil partnerships have been brought in recently to provide protection for gay couples. Prior to this property inheritance and payment of pensions was very much at the whim of others.

In many ways (indeed to me, in all ways) a Ds relationship with the formal wearing of a collar is just as valid as a any marriage ceremony. Ds relationships are not entered into lightly; it should be a solemn undertaking. Discount the Velcro collars or play partners that people may have. However short or long it takes to reach the point of wearing a collar it is an important decision. The Dominant is promising to take care of his or her submissive. They will protect them, guide them, nurture and when necessary discipline them. That is not a simple obligation. Arguably, if hard for the dominant, it is harder for the submissive...depending on how far their submission goes they could be giving up total control of their lives, their body and their possessions. Who would seriously do that on a whim?

I am not arguing that we should be open about this in RL. That is an individual’s decision. There are lots of things to consider. Society does not understand this kind of relationship, some of the sexual practices that people may get up to may be illegal and if one was open about being in a Ds relationship harassment is more than possible. Teachers, doctors and most other professionals who are not self-employed would find it very hard to be open. Many employment contracts have a catch-all clause about bringing their employers into disrepute as a disciplinary offence and you can be sure that the punishment will not involve the use of a crop or whip!

Anyway how do you explain Ds? It is likely that a female submissive would either be seen as being oppressed, especially if her dominant is male or ‘letting down’ down other women after their fight for equality. Male submissives serving a Domme would be a figure of fun. As for gay men what more can you expect? That is how it would be portrayed in all likelihood. Mental illness may be suggested as what sane person likes pain or wishes to inflict pain?

In Sl it is different. There is certainly prejudice. Most people treat me as I am. Hopefully that is the same for you. But there are others who just see the stereotypical images. There are some dominants and submissives who just stick to the ghettos of the clubs and Ds sims but many go freely and openly about SL. That is one of the joys about being on SL. Admittedly my RL name is not Zano Irata but I can be open about who I am and my desires, needs and wants within SL. By and large we do not discriminate against the Ds community. In a formal night club where I work in SL although some of my colleagues are not so enlightened we do not turn away those wearing collars . I have had complaints about Ds tags and I explain to the complainer what they mean and how they are not different to Mr/Mrs/Husband/Wife tags we see (actually they are different but I don't have the time to go into the detail with guests). Also just because someone is into Ds or BDSM that does not mean they wish to inflict it on others in the club.

There are of course people who spoil it for others. Bad behaviour or deliberating griefing has led to collars being banned on at least one role playing Sim. Of course that may just have been an excuse for the ban. We see bad behaviour on Ds sims so it is no surprise it happens elsewhere.

Before I finish I want to mention an area that I do not know too much about but I wish us to think about it. I will happily stand corrected on this. If you look in profiles and on the Fetlife website you will see numerous references to be people being in families. The term leather family is commonly used although that originated out of the gay Ds scene and is often associated with terms like Old Guard.

My contention is that this is an attempt to create family structures for the Ds relationship to flourish within. Families are our comfort zone. For most people they are places where we can be open and argue with our siblings. This is mostly healthy. If you met my RL family you might quickly realise that we hate each other. One of my friends did say that to us. Absolute nonsense, there is nothing wrong with a few harsh words or friendly insults. As we are ‘mature’ we try to avoid violence. Families are a kind of ‘pressure-cooker’ where we can let off steam and exchange views. In my RL family the noise is just a means of being too nice to each other as we are fairly close knit.

I have not mentioned friends and I feel that there is really no need. The more one is in the lifestyle the more one has friends in it. For those outside of it you have decide how open you can be. Even in a vanilla sense I do not have to know everything about them nor them of me.

Introduction - Zano Irata

I am going to be posting here from time to time. It is really good of Mirjam to bring this blog back to life. I hope that we get a friendly debate going here.

As you no doubt know I am one of the managers at the Ds Academy. Along with Trinity Beaumont I am co-ordinating the mentoring scheme at the Academy. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact one or both of us.

I also manage the D-Lounge, the Dominants discussion group which meets in the Castle Library on Tuesdays. If you wish to help out with this please feel free to IM and we will see if it is possible.

Thanks

Zano

Introduction - Mysteri Fallen

It has been about two and a half years since I joined the virtual world of SecondLife. Introduced by a student/submissive male of mine, I found it ludicrous that I would find my niche here, but I gave it a chance and figured he would be around to 'show me the rope' (And no, I didn't get tied up... yet!).  Very shortly thereafter, real life invaded and he disappeared to tend to things and I felt my way around only to have been lucky enough to have met "Lord L."

My time with him and his family, however, was not D/s based, but he seemed to have a very deep grasp on it. I honestly had no idea at the time that those that participated in this world, were either very experienced, or were very inexperienced.  Even Lord L had a great deal of wisdom that I respected, but it also seemed that he was not an active participant at that time and so I continued to wander finding the do's and don'ts of SL's no-so-underground BDSM lifestyle.

A few bumps and bruises and now almost in my third year, I have managed to merge on a balanced level my SecondLife and my real life backgrounds to help and otherwise council others to help direct them.  After almost now 20 years of direct contact with the BDSM lifestyle in real life, and the additional few year's in SecondLife, it has given me a a great insight on both sides of the fence.

As a switch, and a picky switch, I identify well as an Alpha submissive female lately. My dominate traits are a consistent need in my RL everyday duties, and so the balance and downtime are actually needs in order to keep myself at an even keel. Currently I wear a new collar and have enjoyed learning more about myself and even now helping guide and mentor a few others very new to the lifestyle by helping them see beyond their desires, and search for their needs.

I hope to be able to write more on much of the challenges of being a switch, the differences in RL vs SL and more of what we all need to watch for. As an empath it makes it easy to continue to see the horse before the cart, but, in many ways, it is not always a trait that everyone has or knows how to tap.  If you have a subject, or question you would like me to address, please, shoot me an email or off-line IM and I will be happy to address your items.

Thanks again Mirjam for this chance and to be a part of the D/S academy!

Bright Blessings,
Mysteri Fallen

World in my eyes #1 (by Epic)

Greetings one and all.

This is the first blog of what I do hope becomes many. The desire for this is to promote the BDSM lifestyle and relive some of my journeys through what I've experienced and things I see around me.

Important things to note in my blog is the fact I will speak of "My" experiences and the opinions stated by me are indeed "Mine" Please do not hold anyone else accountable for my words. Now, with that said, onto a little introduction.

I entered the realm of BDSM quite some time ago. I have been called by many a "Natural Alpha Male" I am still unclear on the exact meaning of that, perhaps I am just normally bossy. *chuckles* I had my first 24/7 submissive slave at the ripe old age of 26, and have enjoyed many, many experiences since then.  I am a male, label myself a homosexual, and mentor the youth, among others, when I am able. I believe that if we do not help each other through what we have gone through, often times the lessons are not as profound as they could be.

What fuels me most is the bond two can have, when the match is correct. So dear Sir, what makes a good match? I am so happy you asked! In my opinion the two should be honest above all, and with that honesty the first person you need to be honest with is yourself. What? How very dare you, Sir! Yes I know, I am a right prude when it comes to people pretending to be this or that.. odd I know since I am a Thel in Second Life. Ok, so what do I mean then?  You have to first be truthful about what you want. Entering into a dynamic relationship such as one in D/s or M/s is best entered with an understanding of your desires and what you hope to gain from them.

Starting down the road to your perfect Dom, or delightful sub starts on well thought out stepping stones. There truely is someone for everyone, so to get the best from it, be honest.

Trust is a huge part as well. The ability to really be who you are with someone who does not take it for granted is a remarkable reality. I cannot tell you how many relationships I have seen fail because one or the other is not forthcoming about desires. Well, it is like the old saying 'If you do not tell me what is broken, I cannot fix it.' Communication is a vital part of it all. 

Well, that should get things rolling at least. I am interested to chat with all of you and do hope this blog is something that helps others on their road to success. I am open to questions or topics you would like to hear my two cents on. For the shy ones, you may send an in-game notecard to me, Epic Tank, and I'll address the topic here in the blog. All blogs of mine will be titled "World in my eyes" as to make them easy to find.

Until next time, be well and be yourself.

Epic

Eyes on the SIM: Autumn has arrived (by mirjam)

       An autumn garden for our BDSM community:

"Oban Meadows Country Park" (built by ellaeric Madrigal)
*

 Autumn at our lectures & concerts area, the Ancient Theatre
*

 Inhaling fresh autumn air in the park ... 

- with the right dose of imagination this is possible in SL!
*

Autumn has arrived at the ACES Headquarters ...

(Adult Community Education Society; built by JeZeBeLe Dagger)

D/s academy events ~ week: 10/10 - 10/16/2011 ~

1.   Monday  10/10/2011

1.1 time: 6 pm SLT (8 pm Central, 9 pm Eastern, 3 am CET)
       type of event: Discussion (text)
       subject:  "When is it too much? Demanding Doms, needy subs ..."
       host: Genny Clary
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
       

2.   TUESDAY  10/11/2011

2.1 time: time: 12 pm SLT (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: D Lounge - Dom/mes only Discussion/Chat
       subject: "(Mis)understanding D/s: prejudice or truth?"
       host: Tergen Sadofsky
       location: Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
      

3.   WEDNESDAY  10/12/2011

3.1 time: 10 pm SLT  (12 pm Central, 1 pm Eastern, 7 pm CET)
       type of event: submissive field trip
       host: Jaymie Melody
       Meeting point:  Welcome Area, D/S Academy, Respect

      
4.   THURSDAY 10/13/2011

4.1 time: 1 pm SLT  (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Lecture/Class  (text)
       subject: Internal enslavement  - Part 7  "The healthy submissive - part I"
       host: Mirjam Munro
       location:  Ancient Theatre,  D/s academy, Respect

4.2 time: 3 pm SLT (5 pm Central, 6 pm Eastern, 12 am CET)
       type of event:  sub Cafe
       subject:  Chat/Discussion for submissives only
       host: star Modan
       location:  subs Haven skysphere, Respect
    

5.    FRIDAY  10/14/2011

5.1  time:  12 pm SLT  (2 pm Central, 3 pm Eastern, 9 pm CET)
       type of event: Munch (voice/text)
       subject: Open Chat, meet old and possibly new friends and fellow  lifestylers
       host: D/s Academy Staff
       location:  Welcome Area,  D/s academy, Respect
         

6.   SATURDAY  10/15/2011

6.1 time: 11 am SLT (1 pm Central, 2 pm Eastern, 8 am CET)
       type of event: Party & Fun
       subject: "Dance on the leash" ~ party, fun, Dance Contest
       DJ: Trinity Vuissent
       location:  Castle Party Room,  D/s academy, Respect

6.2 time: 1 pm SLT (3 pm Central, 4 pm Eastern, 10 pm CET)
       type of event: Lifestyle Discussion (text/voice)
       subject: "What are the attractions and blocks for us in D/s or BDSM?"
       host: Zano Irata
       location:  Castle Library,  D/s academy, Respect
        
          
7.    SUNDAY 10/16/2011

day off or impromptu event - watch out for notices

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 3 - "The Natural Slave" (by mirjam)

This is the third essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "The Natural Slave". Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK. 

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. When we speak of a "Natural Slave" we mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under
conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.

Let's read what Aristotle said about these predispositions in the 4th century BC::

    "The same holds good of animals in relation to men; for tame animals have a better nature than wild, and all tame animals are better off when they are ruled by man; for then they are preserved.
Again, the male is by nature superior, and the female inferior; and the one rules, and the other is ruled; this principle, of necessity, extends to all mankind.
Where then there is such a difference as that between soul and body, or between men and animals, the lower sort are by nature slaves, and it is better for them as for all inferiors that they should be under the rule of a master.
For he who can be, and therefore is, another's and he who participates in rational principle enough to apprehend, but not to have, such a principle, is a slave by nature." (end of quote)

Quote taken from Aristotle, Politics, 1.V (translation by Benjamin Jowett)

So for Aristotle a slave was not competent to run their own lives. The reason he gave for it was inferior intellect - put on same level as animals even. It is important to know that many domestic servants in ancient times were not given the chance to develop the competency to run their own lives. We could say "They were kept at dull state". However, we know that other ancient societies, such as Imperial Rome or the Ottoman Empire, were largely administered by slaves and freed slaves.

And yes, we all definitely know that slaves in D/s context are definitely no dull brains. Tanos wrote in an essay on the IE website: 

"In our modern experience of IE and TPE infact, submissive women appear, as a group, to be disproportionately intelligent and drawn from demanding professions such as teaching and healthcare."

I guess most of us would agree on this.Tanos suggests that we, as modern people and ambassadors of a healthy D/s lifestyle step back from Aristotle's position, and just start from
"it is better for them ... that they should be under the rule of a master" (Aristotles words).
There are people in our modern society as well as in historic societies that are predespositioned to enjoy and live more happily and better under the rule of a master.

Why is it better for some submissives to be under the rule of a Master and become His property as an owned slave?
Here I am thinking about the human need for self actualization. Each one is more or less striving to become the person that he/she really is and to act one's self out in life. For some submissives it is an aspect of their nature that they need to be under control for fulfillment.
When they are under control of a Dominant they trust in and accept as Master over themselves and their lives, they feel bliss when their personal freedom is restricted. They don't feel reactance that other people would feel then their personal freedom is in danger or taken away, and they don't rebel and fight in order to regain their personal freedom. I think the
utterly important conditions for such are
* deep trust in the Dominant
* feeling of emotional safety in the M/s relationship
* consent to the nature of relationship as Master & slave and all its implications and
* positive experiences with the Master who hopefully won't abuse the right to take control over
  his possession for a negative outcome for the slave.

Which people are suited to slavery due to their nature in a way that is relevant for D/s or M/s? *They feel secure when someone is giving them direction & guidance.
*They  need certainty and security in their relationships.
*Their level of reactance when their personal freedom is put in danger or being restricted is
  different than it is for other people.
*To be happy and feel fulfilled, resting in their own identity, they need to feel control loss, someone taking control over them and caring for them well.

As mentioned above, a huge aspect of determining what constitutes the being of a "natural slave" is that they seem to show a lover level of every-day "Reactance" (psychological concept first described by Brehm in 1966). Reactance is an emotional reaction to mentally or really experienced restriction of personal freedom. A "natural slave" is experiencing and showing less of this "reactance" if freedom is restricted. A slave's level of reactance is "below average", so to speak.
Reactance  normally leads to actions in order to reestablish the state of freedom that is being threatened or that was taken away, such could be acts of rebelllion, aggression and fight.  In case the freedom cannot be restored there is a typical turning point that is described as "reaching the peak of reactance": giving in, trying to settle with the situation that seems unescapable ... when it is dramatic it can lead to depression or other negative psychical consequences.

But does this happen with submissives in D/s relationships, when the Dominant they trust in
restricts their freedom?
It doesn't. Most submissives who consentually (!) are confronted with restriction of their freedom in D/s context experience less reactance than another being would. For some submissives, this "reactance peak" is not negative, they even seem to strive for it and find comfort by it ... as if they need their personal freedom to be restricted and as if they need to go beyond the peakpoint of reactance and have nothing left but the option to settle with the situation. This is what we call the need to be controlled. For some subs it more than fulfillment of a need, it is enjoyment, it is bliss. It is them who are called "natural slaves" in the concept of Internal Enslavement that we are dealing with.

On http://www.enslavement.org.uk/natural we can read:

"Submissives may experience lower levels of total Reactance (roughly stress), when their freedom is restricted, compared to when they are free; and that they also don't experience the depression and low performance which psychologists observe with "normal" people in psychologically defined helplessness."

One could say that a "natural slave" is someone who responds well to a lack of freedom or can't even handle freedom. He/she needs a strong sense of boundaries externally defined to have emotional comfort, and it might be connected to a sense of self worth that a "natural slave" also needs externally defined. (Many thanks to the persons behind the SL avatars Yvana Zadark and Tergen Sadofsky for these thoughts!).

We find a description of this on http://www.enslavement.org.uk/natural as well:

"We can go further and use Reactance to define a type of slave: a Natural Slave is a slave for whom slavery can be better than freedom, since they have the capacity to experience less Reactance when living in that condition, without the depression normally associated with Helplessness. Thus they are suited to slavery by their nature - by some inherent quality of their psychological makeup."
[...]
"Even though Natural Slaves in this IE sense may experience slavery as a positive experience, other factors in their environment may prevent this. Notably, if the Master behaves in a destructive way, ignoring fundamental needs, then the Helplessness may become negative rather than positive for the slave."

As a summary, "natural slaves" are characterized by a predesposition that lets them seek and even crave and need slavery and control loss, restriction of personal freedom deliberately. They need to be controlled and guided, and have a hard time when they are not. This also stresses the importance of a steady solid bond with their Owner in D/s context that is characterized by consent, deep trust, feeling of safety, consistency, radical openness and honesty, responsible reliable care for the slave's needs and guidance and control in many if not all areas of the slave's life.

If You want to read about "Reactance" in greater detail, I advise you these two resources: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_%28psychology%29http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance

The conclusion drawn by Tanos on http://www.enslavement.org.uk/natural is this:

"This would suggest that Internal Enslavement may only be possible with Natural Slaves, since the trust and intimacy (in the Transactional Analysis sense) that forms the emotional bondage would be inhibited if the helpless state were destructive rather than positive for the subject."

I hope this is an inspiring hypothesis for all of You and that it may stimulate Your mental processing about the dynamics of Master-slave-relationships and the conditions that their
longterm success requires. Nothing can be commanded and forced onto a person when it is against his/her being, his/her natural condition. Thanks for reading this essay and I am looking forward to presenting You more about "Internal Enslavement" in the next articles.

written by Mirjam Munro, October 2011

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 2 - "Communication strategies - Transactional Analysis applied in D/s context" (by mirjam)

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" (IE) that I am referring to in this series of articles is described on the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk. I find the ideas presented in the essays on this website very thought provoking and inspiring, and as a submissive D/s lifestyler I can relate to a lot mentioned there.

The concept "Internal Enslavement" (=IE) deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationships. According to Tanos who is running the Internal Enslavement Website the answer is yes. He has done scientific research in this field and gathered a lot of experience from his own life as a Master living together with his slaves in a poly household for several years. It is assumed that radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards step by step. The supporters of the concept of IE also believe that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership" (http://www.enslavement.org.uk).

With this article, I would like to present one of the various psychological theories and methods that can help with enslaving a submissive and growing the M/s bond. It is a well-known communication theory, called "Transactional Analysis". As we all know, communication is a big part of the actions and dynamics between a Dominant and a submissive. Success and failure of a relationship are often correlated with how well the partners can communicate with each other and understand each other. Being open with each other and being willing to share is essential to the success of any human relationship, and in D/s relationships even more so.

One famous book presenting the communication theory of Transactional Analysis (=TA) has this title "I'm OK - You're OK". It was written by Thomas Harris and was published in 1967. The book title desribes the goal of successful communication: Both partners participating in a transactional process / communication, should feel okay in the end and also see that the other is okay. This is called the "healthy position". Why is it called position? When I start to communicate with someone, it should be my standpoint, focus and goal - and in this sense position - that i want him/her and (!) myself to be okay in the course and outcome of the transactional process. The "healthy position" describes a mindset.

It is not healthy when my partner is okay but i am not okay or the other way round. And of course, when none of the communication partners feels okay, it is the worst form of a communcation that is a failure - it is called the "hopeless position". We could also call it the "dead end" of a transactional process and it is very hard to find a way out there during the same conversation.

Before i get in more details about TA, here is some background of this psychological concept. In the early 20th century, Freuds psychoanalytical theories became very popular. Freud believed that personality had three components, all of which must work together to produce our complex behaviors. These three components or aspects were the Id, Ego, and the Superego. One of Freud's greatest contributions to psychological research was that the human personality is multi-faceted. Regardless of the classification or name given to a particular area of personality (id, superego, etc.), each individual possesses factions that frequently collide with each other. And it is these collisions and interactions between these personality factions that manifest themselves as an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Now Eric Berne, the founder of the Transactional Analysis, believed that Freud's proposed structures are "concepts... [and not]
phenomenological realities" (Berne, Eric. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press, Inc., New York, 1961.) So Berne dealt with the phenomenological realities. And these are the actions of individuals. How they conduct themselves in the social environment.So Berne's therapist approach was not to ask the client a lot of exploring questions such as a freudian psychoanalytical therapist would do. He rather watched the client's actions when he/she acted in a social group. Tracked and analyzed how their transactions were. How they communicated ... what position they took in the transactional processes.

I think you already see what meaning Berne's approach carries for D/s relationships and enslavement. By watching a submissive's actions when interacting with other people, analyzing how his/her transactions are, how he/she communicates ... can help a lot with getting to know the inside of the submissive better and to get knowledge about how to best communicate with the sub in order to reach him/her in his/her depths and further enhance enslavement.

Transactional Analysis is based on the fundamental theory of how our brain records and memorizes events: The human brain acts in many ways like a camcorder, vividly recording events. While that event may not necessarily be able to be consciously retrieved by the owner, the event always exists in the brain. Both the event and the feelings experienced during that event are stored in the brain. The event and the feelings are locked together, and neither one can be recalled without the other. When an individual replays his or her experiences, he or she can replay them in such a vivid form that the individual experiences again the same emotions he or she felt during the actual experience. I think we have all had plenty of communication situations when a feeling stored in our brains from a past experience, for example, came back into our mind very vividly and influenced our communication. This is not only relevant for aspects of safety in D/s (traumas suddenly surfacing etc.), but also for effective communication of Dominant and submissive trying to grow internal enslavement.

Depending on our past and current experiences and feelings and precognitions of our future, our ego can assume different states. TA speaks of the PARENT, ADULT and CHILD ego state, and these ego states surface in the transactional actions of an indidivual during communication. Someone who maybe had very overpowering and strict parents during childhood might tend to still go into the child's rebellion when somebody talks to him/her in parent mode such as "you should do this and this" ... "why didn't you ...". This is just one example. These ego states and their mutual influence on one another during transactional processes (communication) can be analyzed, and this is what TA is about. Goal of TA is to help individuals reflect themselves better when they communicating or preparing a conversation and to help them achieve the healthy position in communication more often. It should be clear that in order enslave a submissive successfully, the healthy position in communication of Dominant and submissive is ultimatelty important and should be strived for.

To become more concrete ... let's think of a Dom and a sub talking to each other. What could be a typical sentence coming out of a "PARENT ego state" of the Dominant, influenced by behaviors, thoughts and feelings copied/learned from his/her parents or parents figures? Examples such as "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you", "I've trained you better than that", "You don't want to disappoint me, do You?" come to mind. Now, which reaction could follow on the sub's side? It often happens that "parent ego state" provoques a response coming out of "CHILD ego state", which is not surprising. We have all been primed by our past experiences, and the impact of our family socialization is a huge one. So it might happen that a submissive answers "All the other Doms let their subs do it", and we are reminded of the rebellion of a teenage child against the father or mother. Among adults, the relation "parental ego state talking to child ego state" normally leads to communication problems and/or miscommunications. This way, the healthy state "I am OK You are OK" seems to be out of reach. Now, how would an ADULT ego state react to "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you?". One example is: Ask back, ask for info to be able to reflect better. Try to get info to understand the Dom in the right way. Say something that presents ability to self reflect and not be carried away by childish emotions that may lead to reactions of rebellion or shame.

Let me give another example: The Dominant gives an order (parental), and the sub says "But ..... is too difficult for me. I can't do this myself. I need your help." (child). Response coming out parent ego state would be: "Awww of course ... let me help you ..." and then pamper pamper pamper and/or rule rule rule may follow. An adult ego might try to strengthen the powers of the "child-like" communication partner, trying to open ressources to him/her and help him/her to have trust that he/she will find the right way and offer cooperative (!) support in it ... but not do things instead of the "helpless child". Empower the submissive ... and not act out power instead of the submissive and let him/her lazily lean back in childish helplessness which is the opposite of helping a sub grow which is a goal many Dominants and subs have. So to speak, an adult ego might try to empower the "child ego" he/she is interacting with get into "adult ego state" as well.

In general, a recipe for working towards healthy communication is this: When you hear a "parent ego" talk to you, try to respond in the "adult state" (and not in child ego state), and when you have a "child ego" talk to you don't try to respond as "parent ego" but as "adult ego" as well.

Question is: Do we need to apply this wisdom of TA to communication between a Dominant and a submissive and give them this recipe?

We know that some Dominants want their subs responsible and understanding like adults, while other Dominants (for example Daddy Doms) often prefer a more paternal role, and might find child like responses appealing on some situations as they can reinforce the atmosphere and roles.We also know that in D/s relationships quite many submissives tend to live their "inner child" and enjoy doing so. Different relationships actually thrive on the different transactional roles. It belongs to the great freedoms of D/s lifestyle that we can chose, based on consent with the partner(s) involved. It is possible that achieving a "healthy position" is possible for a specific
Dom and a sub when they talk "parent to child and child to parent" during some time. I nevertheless doubt that it is possible for them to maintain a stabile bond of D/s and communicate effectively in a healthy way if they did this all the time, and never talked "adult to adult".

It becomes clear that communication requires a lot of self reflectivity and reflectivity of the other's condition and words if we want it to be "healthy communication" ("I am OK You are OK" ). Many submissives seem to seek something parental in the Dominant and tend to react from child position, living their "inner child" freely and enjoyably in their D/s relationship if the Dominant is a good match. The question at hand is: Wouldn't it be better if the Dom tried to communicate as adult and not as parent, in order to not get a "child response" but the reaction of an "adult"? it is clear that as grown-ups and adult people we do not need to copy our parents ... as adults we have our own individuality, minds and knowledge and experience of ourselves. But
we need to be aware that even without intention we might transact in the child position or parents position.

In D/s context specifically, we need to be aware that it might be a deep need of a sub to be accepted and communicate taking the "child position", as well as it might be a need of a Dominant to be "paternal". We also know that Daddy/daughter style of D/s relationships is not uncommon. We also need to be aware that the experience of "parent to child and child to parent" communication that feels like "I am OK You are OK" ("healthy position") within a D/s relationship can be quite therapeutic and it might help specific Dominants and or submissives to overcome problematic experiences dating out of their childhood.

On http://www.enslavement.org.uk/egostates a wise statement of a female slave can be read:
"Knowing how this all affected me, and knowing what I have learned about the ego states, I am convinced of how unhealthy it would be for anyone to be encouraged to use just one ego state. By encouraging the use of one ego state (Child) at the expense of the others (Adult and Parent) would be to deny us from using the very things which have kept most of us (particularly submissives) safe all our lives. We would become incapable of using all the healthy ways of coping, with life and with ourselves."

If relationship roles (such as "Daddy Dom - daugther sub") match the transactional roles and transactions are perceived as healthy ("I am OK You are OK"), then transactions reinforce the relationship roles. Hence it is very important to again and again analyze and reflect relationship and transaction roles and their alignment in order to achieve a stabile D/s bond and deepen enslavement.The goal in communication, thinking in the lines of TA, is to empower each other to the healthy "I am ok You are ok" position during and after communication. For some this might work best talking "parent to child and child to parent", for some "adult to adult".

Conclusion yet again: Know Your Dominant, know Your sub, know Yourself. Dare and care to use the knowledge for communication as well. Be interested in the partner's individuality and have fun exploring.


written by Mirjam Munro, September 2011