Okay Dominants don’t get punished, at least not officially but we do get punished, either by ourselves or because of adverse reactions by those we care about. What I am writing about here is the purpose of punishment. No doubt like many other Dominants who care about submissives in their care this can be a struggle for me.
To begin with, when I started my first serious D/s relationship I thought that unless I was seen to be punishing my submissive that somehow I wasn’t being seen to be a real Dominant. It wasn’t hard to find reasons as she could be bratty but at the same time she was very keen to be obedient. However I did not feel it was right to punish her for this as I enjoyed her cheekiness and this is where it can go wrong for Dominants.
Many Dominants like submissives who are bratty and some actively encourage it and even boast about it, so they can find a reason to punish the submissive. I have done this in the past but in this is a fatal flaw that cuts to the heart of a D/s relationship and in my opinion begins to work to destroy it from the centre outwards.
If punishment has a place in a D/s relationship its place is that of correction. It acts to correct behaviours that the Dominant deems unacceptable, behaviours that are causing the submissive not to reach their full potential. Punishment only works with the agreement of the submissive which is the only point of congruence with “funishment”.
“Funishment” is the term commonly used for the encouragement of bratty behaviour so the Dominant can indulge in punishment that that both they and the submissive enjoy. There is nothing wrong in doing what they both enjoy. However as it is being done as punishment it begins to become the necessary precursor to such fun. As long as the Dominant continues to enjoy such behaviour it is okay for a while. But one of two things may happen, even two of two. The Dominant may find the behaviour occurring when it causes them annoyance or the submissive begins to lose respect for the Dominant as the encouragement of bratty behaviour is not truly a Dominant trait.
I believe that Dominants can learn to correct their mistakes but once this apple has been bitten the damage to the relationship is done. This is because it takes time to unlearn such things. During this unlearning period the submissive will suffer confusion which will spill over to the Dominant. Of course both submissive and Dominant can happily continue along this path, but in this case they are not truly involved in a D/s relationship but in a top and bottom one.
The purpose of a D/s realtionship is the grow the intimacy between Dominant and submissive. Punishment is one of the tools that the Dominant has. Its purpose is to correct behaviour that damages the relationship, replacing bad behaviour with habits that allow the submissive to flourish. It is not used to encouragebrattiness or other behaviours that damage the relationship. The submissive should not enjoypunishment. It may take the form of denying them something that they enjoy. It may even be just a statement that the Dominant is annoyed. One factor should always be there; the submissive should know why.
As stated above, punishment, as we see it, is often sado-masochist in nature but if both parties enjoy it, how is punishment? If both enjoy it, just enjoy it! Don’t do it as punishment, except within the context of a scene. Play is for fun so play on!
3 comments:
Thanks a lot for posting this. Same as with many terms widely used in the BDSM community we are confronted with the problem of semantics. "Punishment" means various things for various people. I wholeheartedly agree with the use of the word "Correction" instead of "Punishment" for measures taken by the Dominant in order to induce a change of the submissive's behavior. And yes, this can be "as small of an action" as a single word or specific look on the Dom's side, while it might be a big thing for the submissive who might feel really punished by the effect of that single word or look on him/her. Words and actions of the Dom may even work as punishment when they are not intended to be punishment. I tend to think that submissive have especially sensitive sensors for signs of approval (-> pos. reinforcement) and disapproval (-> neg. reinforcement/punishment). It can happen that a submissive changes something in his/her behavior because of having perceived such a sign from the Dominant's side although the Dominant did not mean to punish/correct the submissive. I found it really really helps when the submissive can rely on the Dominant saying in advance when following words or actions are intended as punishment/correction, and what the punishment/correction is for. The focus of both should be trust in the submissive being able to work on the behavior the Dom is trying to correct. When the chance for this is really low (and it very likely is if the Dom expects a behavior from the submissive that is not at all in alignment with his/her being) ... then such punishment can really bring something problematic or even destructive into the D/s relationship. Then the open question is if it is better to avoid such corrections then. As a last remark: As we know from behavioral psychology, positive reinforcement is the more effective method of inducing a change of behavior than punishment is. Example: Dom tells sub expectation and describes the next steps the sub is capable of doing, and when sub is going that path, the Dom is positively reinforcing it by expressions of approval etc. It is an easy job to do for a Dominant who manages to be attentive, consequent and caring, simply because most submissives are totally eager to please their Dominant. So even without application of intended "punishment" it is possible that the Dominant induces behavioral changes in the submissive, and it is even more likely to succeed than punishment is. The unintended punishment will happen in an intimate relationship anyway, and it will have counterproductive effects sometimes as well. It belongs to the nature of an intimate relationship of two humans.
Great post and great comments, thanks Zano and Mir!
Zano said "The purpose of a D/s realtionship is the grow the intimacy between Dominant and submissive. Punishment is one of the tools that the Dominant has." I think the very fact of consenting to give or accept correction in this context is an act of intimacy. And an extremely powerful and high-voltage one, to be handled with care, something that can either do both parties a lot of good or a lot of harm.
I agree with Mir that people shape each other, often without meaning to, and power exchange can make a sub, in particular, overread his/her Dom/me's reactions and see disapproval where there is none. (It's happened to me more than once!)
In intimacy, people strive to learn each other and modify their own behavior in response to the other's cues, with the end goal of improving communication and the emotional experience of relationship. One of the strengths of D/s, I believe, is that this process is far more acknowledged and openly seen than it is in vanilla relationships. And I also believe that it goes both ways; that if the relationship is mutually intimate the Dom/me is as affected as the sub/slave.
Thank You for sharing these thoughts Meadow!
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