What is loyalty?
The oxford dictionary defines "loyal" as:
"giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution"
We often talk of loyalty as an essential requirement of the D/s relationship. Actually, most require it of any long term partner, friend of member of the family. We put value in loyalty. We prize it even in our dogs.....hell even the supermarkets reward us for loyalty.
I often sit in discussions within our D/s community and often hear people state that they "must have loyalty" from their relationship. I often wonder what they really mean by that. I assume they mean that they want their partner to stick with them through good times and bad, support them through dark times, and forgive their mistakes. To be faithful (within agreed terms) and to never let them down. Never betray them. Each valid needs or wants from a partner/lover/friend/Master/Dominant/submissive/slave.
But loyalty can be misplaced. And loyalty can be restrictive or damaging. Loyalty can false and loyalty can be a disguise. Loyalty can be dangerous.
We've heard from some that a slave must always be loyal no matter what. Never question, never waiver. Loyal to the end. Is this just a statement from the fantasists? Should loyalty ever be without question?
"For some people, loyalty must be blind and without the slightest word of criticism or dissent. I am terrified by the true believer- One who is deeply, sometimes fanatically devoted to a cause, organization, or person. I can't fathom how a person isn't able to allow questioning or dissent in any situation. Blind loyalty is dangerous and empty."
Diana Rodriguez
Abraham Lincoln once said: "Be with a leader when he is right, stay with him when he is still right, but, leave him when he is wrong."
And yet, we all know how it can feel when we are let down by someone we thought was a loyal partner, friend or lover. How sickening it can feel to be betrayed. It hurts. So where do we draw the line?
The most saddening loyalty to see is when someone leaves...they die or disappear. A person left behind may seek a pause in time by remaining loyal to a dream that is gone. Never finding happiness with another person is somehow seen as a beautiful loyalty to the person they lost. This gives comfort to some. But is it a beautiful loyalty or an unresolved grief that will dictate their loneliness for the rest of their lives?
When is it time to put aside our loyalty? and does this then make us disloyal or dishonourable? Which is the greater crime? Staying loyal when it is misplaced or knowing when to turn your back on someone and end your loyalty to them? That kind of decision can tear a person up inside - loyalty can indeed be a bugger.
For some, loyalty is for the fools.
“My dear boy, the people who only love once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect—simply a confession of failures.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
At the discussion on Monday I will present some scenarios with great moral dilemma over loyalty and we will discuss them. There will be hard questions that some may not even wish to answer in their own minds, let alone said out loud. I challenge you to come and join in.
These Monday discussions are loosely using the service exploration workbook "Where I am Led" by Christina Parker as a point of reference. You do not need to have read or even seen the book to fully participate in the discussion.
Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (13th May) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.
2 comments:
I think this is a hugely important topic ~ and a lovely post.
Loyalty - I think first to one's own integrity, the Divine, however one sees that. Then to intimate partner and family/friends. It transcends the D/s dynamic.
And loyalty does not exist in a vacuum. Like trust, it grows, it is earned and reciprocal.
As you mention in your post, loyalty can certainly be misused, can become a trap that holds people in destructive situations or allows people to collude in harmful acts. It's a classic tool of cults, but even in less sinister contexts it's easy to be trapped by loyalty.
Loyalty to one's own inner compass first I think is the key here. That's easy to say and often very hard to do. I think about times when my sense of loyalty has led me to do things that were ultimately harmful to another or to myself, and I think the problem was that I was being loyal to the wrong aspect of the relationship.
Wish I could have been at your discussion. I heard it was good.
Agreed.
As with so many things in relationships people tend to see them as black or white and all or nothing.
"You're loyal or you are disloyal - you're right or you're wrong"
Of course in reality there are so many elements that will affect loyalty...inner feelings and outside forces. Nothing is ever quite as cut and dry as some people present.
It was a good discussion....I think estos described it as "stressful" lol....I shall go easier on em next week ;o)
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