The Blame Game - are you an "inny" or an "outy"? D/s discussion (by Julala)

So yesterday we had a discussion about blame.  Identifying that they were some of us (myself included to some extent) that can consciously or unconsciously adopt blame, put one's hand up, shoulder the responsibility for something that may or may not have been anything within their control.  Typically apologising for things not of their doing, taking the blame, etc. (for the purposes of this discussion we labelled these people "Innies".  We also identified that there are also people that deflect blame and will happily point the finger to the guilty party....sometimes as a priority above anything else (for the purpose of this discussion we labelled these people "outies".

These are some observations from the discussion:

It was obvious that people are rarely entirely an "inny" or an "outy".  It was certainly highlighted that blame can be given and taken for a multitude of reasons and that providing only two terms such as an "inny" or an "outy" was far too generalised.  It often depended on the circumstance, the people, and other contributing factors such as context and environment as to whether people would take blame or dispense it.

Comments regarding self-blame included:

That self-blaming all the time could actually be considered an arrogant act - a person always making it about themselves, or controlling, attention-seeking or validation-seeking.  A couple of examples were given by members of the discussion including where someone is always apologising for everything and that actually it was driving friends away from them as it became annoying.

Conversely self-blame was suggested as merely a mechanism to move the event on from the blame aspect and on to finding a solution, a time-saving or conflict reduction mechanism.

"I find it's more diplomatic and advantageous for me to accept blame for problems so that I can move things on from there and get the situation sorted out. It's just easier since blame is uncomfortable and people waste a lot of time talking around the edges instead of getting the issue resolved."

It was noted that a tendency to self-blame might also be attributed to a lack of emotional support when growing up as a child and possibly accompanied feelings of low self-worth or low self-esteem.  There were people in the discussion who agreed that their self-blaming tendencies could well be linked to this.

Reference to a cite was offered that suggested self blame could be behavioural or personal/characterological i.e. self blaming for an event/behaviour or self-blaming one's self as a person.  Behavioural self-blame can be seen as a "belief of control" mechanism - e.g. if I am responsible for this event then I have some power to avoid it happening again - if I am not responsible for it and had no control over it then it could happen again.  Again, personal or characterological self-blame was more linked to low self-esteem and low self-worth.

Interestingly though it was also suggested that as children our natural response can be to take the blame - particularly in events such as parents separating or arguing, death or trauma.  Projecting blame on to others was discussed as being a learned response (e.g. siblings).

Comments regarding people who blame others included:

It was identified that there are [Dominants] that will always blame their [submissive] but that this was not exclusive to D/s relationships.  

"It's never their fault cause they never make mistakes."

"in my experience, those D-types who are not really Dominant, but *Domineering* actually, are the ones who are uber-outies. they are the ones that seriously think that they NEVER do something wrong. anything you do as a submissive is your faulty... YOU made him second guess his decisions, YOU distracted him and he forgot something important... well, yeah.. you get the point. :)"

This behaviour from a Dominant was identified as being very hurtful to a submissive/slave.  It was noted at this point that constantly blaming someone for things that are not their doing was actually a form of mental and emotional abuse.

".. it's so awful to live under conditions like that. you seriously end up feel guilty for just existing.... or at least that is what that person is trying to make you feel.....living under these conditions leaves you on edge all the time as you never know what you will be blamed for next..."

"...just my feeling, but a Dom that doesn't take responsibility for absolutely everything is a mess. And, yeah, blame is often just abusive."

"self aggrandizement"

"....feeling of injustice...is sooooo frustrating...and worse when we see it happen to a child or someone we deeply care about"

We wondered whether people that prioritise blame apportion professionally do so also at home....or whether it was the opposite.  We also questioned whether they even knew they were doing it.

"to err is human but to blame someone else shows management potential"

Further discussion points:

It was suggested that those that are in receipt of constant blame from someone end up in therapy....those that do the constant blaming perhaps die earlier from stress.

It was agreed that "blame" as a word/term does tend to carry a very negative feel about it and is often met with defense.  It was discussed that blame was considered quite different to owning mistakes and responsibilities.

The question was asked "Is blame necessary?....do we really need to know who is to blame?" - a couple of examples were used to identify when this can be necessary.  An extreme example of this might be when someone is murdered....identifying who is responsible is important for those remaining to be able to move forward in their grief.

"it depends, I think, Julala....perhaps on how serious the result...eg...a drunk driver kills a pedestrian...and blames the drink....or the reason for being drunk....etc etc etc"

"....We are dealing with people who do not accept personal responsibility, they spend more time blaming others because they cannot deal with looking like they are incompetent in front of others. so i do tend to take the blame for things, simply to move to the solution. But i think that accepting personal responsibility is a sign of being an adult. Many people lack that..."