While I was writing a response to another post on this blog I wrote something that sets a good scene for this discussion on "experience".
I wrote:
"......perhaps this is why I am often quite surprised when I hear that people in the community around me are experiencing things far from my own experiences....."
Now...out of context that seems rather a naive statement but actually...genuinely I am constantly reminded that my own experience of D/s and BDSM is entirely different to many of those in the community around me...and sometimes I am genuinely surprised when I hear a perspective vastly different than my own on something I thought I had my head round....not in a bad way...in a way that makes me go "oh...wow...I never thought of it like that".
Our experiences are the things that help us to form our views and outlook on most things in life, and not less so in D/s. And when our experiences will differ widely from those around us...no wonder that our community is....shall we say....varied....colourful...and often at odds.
A good experience will leave us feeling positive. A bad experience will often leave us feeling negative. But in time...even our bad experiences can form a positive role in forming our future. Looking back over some of your worst experiences...what have they taught you? Would you have learned this without them? Of course we would have been glad not to have had to go through those bad experiences...but then...that wasn't our choice was it? We can only influence our future...not our past.
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”
― Rita Mae Brown, Alma Mater
When one is considered to "have experience"....we often attribute this as a positive thing, a badge of honour and proof of worth. We often hear boasts of "I've been in the lifestyle for 20 years...30 years..etc." but if the experience was not a positive one.....can that be a positive thing to boast of? Perhaps it can be if the person recognises that it was a bad experience and can use it to help others avoid such ways...the danger of course is when the person presents their experience as the only way to do things...that is when we become unstuck.
“I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
How do you view your own experiences? and how do you view the experiences of others? Are your own experiences worth more to you in the balance of things than the experiences of others? Probably undoubtedly yes....and how do you judge the experiences of another? Do you base your judgement on the experiences alone or more likely do you base it on them as a person? on how they behave generally, on where they are from...their age? their background? their manner, or language? their position, their friends? do these factors help you to cast a value on their experience? Why?
Whilst we can listen and learn from the experiences of others....ultimately our own experience can only come from jumping in and doing it for ourselves. Nobody ever experienced much from sitting on the edge and watching.
“A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book
Everyone welcome. Please do join us on Monday (15th April) at 12pm SLT at the Temple of Discussion on Respect sim. Discussion is voice led but text also very welcome.
4 comments:
oooh Claps hands! Early post by Julala. must have lots of energy from her long break. <--- clearly this is the case, having read her responses to other posts on the site - lots of very deep reflection and insight going on her. Julala needs to go away more often.
I do really feel OK about these sessions that are talking about something that us inexperienced people can talk about.
I will have to commit the entire text to memory. So that I can regurgitate it at will and appear really experienced and wise.
What fun! Can't wait till tomorrow night.
thanks Estos....wasn't sure I was making any sense with my postings these last few days...must be out of practice in using my brain.
The great thing about experience....is that to a greater or lesser degree we all have it....
Great topic, Julala, and excellent post. Yes, you make lots of sense.
Even the worst experiences I've had have been valuable lessons, and most if not all of my experiences taught me things I could never have learned vicariously from other people's.
I think I evaluate other people's experiences from the background of my own, if that makes sense. And my interpretation of other people's experiences has become, hopefully, closer to accurate, as I have had more of my own experiences over time. (Hopefully one of the benefits of being over 50!) In terms of "casting a value" (great phrase" on the experiences of others . . . well, if what you mean by that is considering their opinion to have more weight because of their experience, that's more complex. The fact that they have had an experience means I credit them with a level of credible exposure to the truth of something - the opportunity to learn directly. Whether I think that makes their opinion more valid for me . . . maybe. It depends on what I think they've done with their experience cognitively, if the experience appears to me to have broadened their viewpoint, and if my overall impression is that they approach life and experience in a thoughtful and well-meaning way. And that overall impression is a composite of the person and the life they appear to have created for themselves.
I do tend to consider a person's opinion about something more valid for themselves if they have had experiences in whatever the something is.
If a knitting friend who has never knit socks says to me "I hate knitting socks," I store that statement in my random utterances file and expect she may change that opinion if she tries it. Or not. In any case, I am clear that what she hates is the idea of knitting socks, not the reality of knitting socks.
If that same friend says to me "I will never knit socks," I think, yeah, she probably won't - and has thus shut herself off from an experience she might value on the basis of an uninformed opinion.
I strive to not do that last thing to myself. I think it's really important for me not to shut myself off from experiences and awarenesses by developing uninformed opinions that stand in my way. And I used to do way too much of that. As you say, Julala, ultimately my own experience can only come from jumping in and doing it for myself.
....I hate knitting socks.....
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