Question 1 (in no particular order) (by Estos)

In my last blog entry I started off with the question:

"I'm vanilla in RL, but am I happy?"

I then gave the background to what led me to that question, both in RL and SL.

I thought I'd got a measure of what it took to define yourself in a BDSM context - you had elements of you that are Dom/me and elements that are Sub.  You just had to measure them out, and then find out where that put you on the continuum.  Once you'd pegged yourself, slotted yourself into a predefined set of acceptable behaviors and expectations, you could work on developing yourself, making yourself Better.

So, how much Dom and how much Sub am I?

Takes a deep breath.

There are LOADS of really great teachers and teachings in SL about the nature of kink, and I would be the first to point you in the direction of Meadow's excellent posts on this very website, and the many many other external links and tutorials, classes and lectures, both at D/s academy and other places, that discuss the intricacies of BDSM, relationships, perspectives, definitions and the like.

Meadow, for example states it very well in her post "Mutual Respect"

"What we each bring to the table is ourselves.  Our own experience, our own priorities and choices, our thoughts on what is right for us.  Not for our neighbors.  And we can bring open ears for the lives of others.  I believe that if we could listen to each other’s lives without feeling a direct or implied pressure to be like them, if we could take what’s right for us while respectfully leaving the rest, if we could act towards each other based on understanding and acceptance of each other’s individual preferences, we could learn more and do less damage to ourselves and others."

http://ds-academy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/mutual-respect-by-meadow.html

I've been to many lectures, always with a an open mind, hoping to hear someone else define a branch of BDSM, a flavour, if you will, that would reflect the colour that I think I am.  But I've not heard it yet. I'm clearly a shade (no pun intended, Ms E.L. James) that is less often discussed.

I had a chat with Mirjam in world, OOC, of course (reading my in world profile, you'll see that I'm an avid Role player - so I can come across as a character rather than me.  That's of course not devaluing that I am proud to be a bit of a character, even when I'm me.) So I asked Mirjam, on the off chance that she might know of where I could find kink-aware therapists, in RL, as I was looking for answers, and I knew they were in me, but just needed some excavation.  I said, "I'm into bondage, I need to find out why."

Mirjam said something only two other people have said on my journey so far:  "If you're happy, who cares why, just enjoy it"

I took stock.

I enjoy being a damsel in distress, dressed in a satin dress, tied to the rock, struggling against my bonds, heart pounding, desperate for escape, fearfully looking over my shoulder, prying at the the knots.  Oh the thrill!  So pretty!  So vulnerable! So feminine!

I also enjoy being the self centered, baddie.  My hands closing around the mouth of the beautiful damsel, pulling her back into the shadows, muffling her cries, as I render her immobile with swift coils of rope.  I love the way she looks so feminine and vulnerable, so exquisitely beautiful and helpless.  Mine to do with as I want.  Fearful of me, the all powerful!

 Shit, I don't even know who I am!  Can I enjoy being just this, wooly thing, un-pigeon holed, un catogorized, un stereo typed person?

Question 1 "How much Dom, how much Sub?"
Answer: Both, adding up to more than 100%

Shit.  How am I going to get on with the rest of my questions?