estos's take on SL - 1 year on (by estos)

About a year ago, I was invited to say what I thought on this blog.

I took that opportunity to say things that were not really that profound or insightful.  But they were an encapsulation of my swirling thoughts at that time.

September 2012 was also the start of "where I am led" led by, to me at least, an unknown curly haired sub called Julala.

Together with the folks at D/s Academy, Julala's discussions, Ryn and Meadow and their cult of the duck, The Gateway and a few other affiliated places, I've absorbed a lot, and discussed a few things too.  I got a bit closer to finding some of the questions, and maybe, some of the answers.

Then in February 2013 I got a tap on the shoulder from a 'sort of sub' who liked my profile.  She was in the European time zone which helps enormously.  We spent a lot of time together, and I poured myself out to her (what was it Julala said this week?  don't rush?) she was a lot of fun, and had a really different take on lots of things.  For instance, she really didn't like me in my girly avies, and thought I was skating on thin ice to play with my alts.  Of course these were 'warning signs'  but as my first 'serious' D/s relationship, I didn't understand the significance FOR ME.  So, suddenly I was up to my eyeballs in hurt and angst after a scene went drastically wrong.  It was partly my fault for assuming things about her, and, it was partly her fault because she didn't safeword when she needed too.  There was a serious review of the foundations our trust was built on, and I could tell hand on heart, that I was making too many assumptions.  I was devestated when that relationship came to an end - and it had only been 6 weeks!

I won a lovely lass at the gateway auction, and we had a swell couple of evenings and a scene or two.  But we didn't click in an ongoing sort of way.

Meanwhile I was starting to push myself.  I'd made friends with a vocal Australian lass who hung around The Gateway and D/s Academy.  She was a from the heart, TPE sub.  She was very funny, intelligent, creative, industrious, and a great mentor.  She wasn't adverse to telling me off either! She had RL issues and faded from SL.  I still miss her loads.  I cultivated my mentors; Jadzia, Marjam, Julala, and  Zano.  I wanted to be ready for the next relationship.

I won her at the Gateway Auction for about L$1500, I think.  Might have been L$2K. I didn't know it at the time, but if I'd paid 50K for her, she would have been a bargain.  You see I was still trying to figure out who I was, and sure, I'd learnt a lot, but I needed to feel what I'd learnt.  And to do that, you need to stick your neck on the line.  You need to say and to do.  You need to be honest, and reflect, and negotiate, and compromise, and extend.  It's hard work, trying not to make mistakes.  Hiding what you really want to say because you can't think of a constructive way to say it.  But you have to say it, you can't bottle it forever.  You have to open your heart and just communicate.  She was Pacific Time, I was GMT.. how was it going to work?  It worked because she made time for me during her day, whilst she worked from home.  It worked because I'd spend hours thinking and reflecting and sending her Emails.  It worked because she thought she knew who she was, but couldn't acutalise it.  It worked because she was the most AMAZING human being, so full of love and curiosity and humility and empathy.  It couldn't last because I fell in love with her. And that wasn't part of the plan.
So we agreed to part.  Technically, I guess, I released her, though she had never submitted to me.

I've learnt a few key things about myself.  I've read a few books and got a better idea about where definitions and stereotypes fit into the world of BDSM.  I've come to appreciate the nuances between RL and SL.

And, I've grown in spirit and emotion, and compassion and empathy, I've become clearer and more assertive.  My RL existance is richer and more fulfilling then when I started a year ago.  And that was part of the plan.  

If you look on my fetlife page, you'll see I call myself a kinky vanilla person.  That's a good step back from estos.putzo, the sub-chasing, rope wielding person you see. I once asked if I'm a Dom.  And, in a way, I think you could find me within the boundaries of that definition.  But, for me, the respect and energy I share with my partner will never coalasce into that searing "Domspace" or "subspace" that comes from the intensity of RL sensations. I am, still, trapped in SL.