Family and Friends (by Zano)

In December 2010 we themed our discussions around family and friends. A contributor at Saturday’s discussion (October 2011) mentioned that one of her family and some of her friends knew she was a submissive but that others did not and never would.

This was the class I gave on this topic in December. Being who we are is so important to us as indivuduals that hiding things from those close to us is a big issue which can make our interactions seem false.

This article is largely my own thoughts on the theme, some of which may resound with you too. Please feel free to add your comments below.

Family and friends are the two groups of people we should be closest to. We have no choice about Family although we do not have to like them whereas friends are people we choose for ourselves. But as people into BDSM or the Ds lifestyle how do we share this with them, if that is what we want to do?

I have a number of siblings, quite a few cousins and one surviving Aunt but I am not about to tell them that I have a submissive. There may be things that they have seen about me that would make sense to them, certainly I have been called bossy or even a bully at times by my siblings. This is of course quite unfair but at many moments I have been very determined to have my own way.

Being involved in Ds and BDSM is largely wrapped up with sex in the minds of others. There is quite a lot in that preconception but Ds goes much than sexual activity and covers the entire relationship between two or more individuals. I have no desire to know about the sex lives of my siblings, and none about that of my parents. If I can believe that sex was something that just happened for them on a limited number of occasions then my mental picture of my childhood will be relaxed. Frankly sex is private and even if being voyeuristic only to be shared by those who have consented.

Ds or Ms or whatever you wish to call it is about relationships. In RL vanilla relationships are celebrated; people get married, have civil partnerships and even just live together. The relationship mores make all these things normal. Marriage is basically a civil ceremony, the church part is just an ‘icing on the cake’ for those who want it. Despite western propaganda it has not always been the only way to live. For instance in Scotland a promise before witnesses or even a promise to make a promise before witnesses was enough to make a union legal in the eyes of the law. If you were to Google common law marriage and handfasting you will find reference to this.

Civil partnerships have been brought in recently to provide protection for gay couples. Prior to this property inheritance and payment of pensions was very much at the whim of others.

In many ways (indeed to me, in all ways) a Ds relationship with the formal wearing of a collar is just as valid as a any marriage ceremony. Ds relationships are not entered into lightly; it should be a solemn undertaking. Discount the Velcro collars or play partners that people may have. However short or long it takes to reach the point of wearing a collar it is an important decision. The Dominant is promising to take care of his or her submissive. They will protect them, guide them, nurture and when necessary discipline them. That is not a simple obligation. Arguably, if hard for the dominant, it is harder for the submissive...depending on how far their submission goes they could be giving up total control of their lives, their body and their possessions. Who would seriously do that on a whim?

I am not arguing that we should be open about this in RL. That is an individual’s decision. There are lots of things to consider. Society does not understand this kind of relationship, some of the sexual practices that people may get up to may be illegal and if one was open about being in a Ds relationship harassment is more than possible. Teachers, doctors and most other professionals who are not self-employed would find it very hard to be open. Many employment contracts have a catch-all clause about bringing their employers into disrepute as a disciplinary offence and you can be sure that the punishment will not involve the use of a crop or whip!

Anyway how do you explain Ds? It is likely that a female submissive would either be seen as being oppressed, especially if her dominant is male or ‘letting down’ down other women after their fight for equality. Male submissives serving a Domme would be a figure of fun. As for gay men what more can you expect? That is how it would be portrayed in all likelihood. Mental illness may be suggested as what sane person likes pain or wishes to inflict pain?

In Sl it is different. There is certainly prejudice. Most people treat me as I am. Hopefully that is the same for you. But there are others who just see the stereotypical images. There are some dominants and submissives who just stick to the ghettos of the clubs and Ds sims but many go freely and openly about SL. That is one of the joys about being on SL. Admittedly my RL name is not Zano Irata but I can be open about who I am and my desires, needs and wants within SL. By and large we do not discriminate against the Ds community. In a formal night club where I work in SL although some of my colleagues are not so enlightened we do not turn away those wearing collars . I have had complaints about Ds tags and I explain to the complainer what they mean and how they are not different to Mr/Mrs/Husband/Wife tags we see (actually they are different but I don't have the time to go into the detail with guests). Also just because someone is into Ds or BDSM that does not mean they wish to inflict it on others in the club.

There are of course people who spoil it for others. Bad behaviour or deliberating griefing has led to collars being banned on at least one role playing Sim. Of course that may just have been an excuse for the ban. We see bad behaviour on Ds sims so it is no surprise it happens elsewhere.

Before I finish I want to mention an area that I do not know too much about but I wish us to think about it. I will happily stand corrected on this. If you look in profiles and on the Fetlife website you will see numerous references to be people being in families. The term leather family is commonly used although that originated out of the gay Ds scene and is often associated with terms like Old Guard.

My contention is that this is an attempt to create family structures for the Ds relationship to flourish within. Families are our comfort zone. For most people they are places where we can be open and argue with our siblings. This is mostly healthy. If you met my RL family you might quickly realise that we hate each other. One of my friends did say that to us. Absolute nonsense, there is nothing wrong with a few harsh words or friendly insults. As we are ‘mature’ we try to avoid violence. Families are a kind of ‘pressure-cooker’ where we can let off steam and exchange views. In my RL family the noise is just a means of being too nice to each other as we are fairly close knit.

I have not mentioned friends and I feel that there is really no need. The more one is in the lifestyle the more one has friends in it. For those outside of it you have decide how open you can be. Even in a vanilla sense I do not have to know everything about them nor them of me.